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"Father Ted" Tentacles of Doom (TV Episode 1996) Poster

(TV Series)

(1996)

Quotes

Father Jack Hackett: [Repeated line] That would be an ecumenical matter!

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Father Dougal McGuire: Bishops love sci-fi!

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Bishop Facks: So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?

Father Dougal McGuire: Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything?

Bishop Facks: Uh-huh.

Father Dougal McGuire: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?

Bishop Facks: Yes.

Father Dougal McGuire: And when we die we're all going to go to heaven?

Bishop Facks: Yes. What about it?

Father Dougal McGuire: Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

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Father Ted Crilly: That's the great thing about Catholicism - it's so vague. No-one knows what it's really all about.

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Father Ted Crilly: Right, Father. Now we're going to have a little elocution lesson.

Father Jack Hackett: [finishes a can of beer and throws it at the wall] DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly: Now, Father, you can't be saying that all the time when the bishops come here.

Father Jack Hackett: FECK!

Father Ted Crilly: No, you can't say that either.

Father Jack Hackett: GIRLS!

Father Ted Crilly: Look, Father, just let's go back to "drink" for the moment.

Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly: [lifts up the cover of a flip chart on an easel, written on it are the phrases "That would be an ecumenical matter" and "Yes"] Right, now I want you to have a look at this. Have a go at the first one here. "That".

Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly: No, no, no. "That".

Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly: Now, come on, Father, concentrate."That".

Father Jack Hackett: DRINK!

[seven more times Ted says "That" and Jack says "DRINK!"]

Father Ted Crilly: Now, come on now, Father, I know you can do it! There'll be a little drink in it for you if you do it.

Father Jack Hackett: Drink?

Father Ted Crilly: Yes, I promise. Now come on, try again. "That".

Father Jack Hackett: Th-th-th-th - th-thhhhh... DRINK!

Father Ted Crilly: Come on, now, Father, you almost had it! "That"!

Father Jack Hackett: Th-th-th-th-thhhh... THAT!

Father Ted Crilly: GREAT!

Father Jack Hackett: THAT!

Father Ted Crilly: Brilliant, Father! Let's keep it going here, and the next one, "That would".

Father Jack Hackett: THAT! Ww-ww-ww-ww - ww... DRINK!

[Jack slumps down in his chair in defeat. Ted knocks down the flip chart in frustration]

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Bishop Facks: So, Father. Do you ever have any doubts about the religious life? Is your faith ever tested? Anything you would be worried about? Any doubts you've been having about any aspects of belief? Anything like that?

Father Dougal: Well, you know the way God made us all, right? And he's looking down at us from heaven and everything?

Bishop Facks: Uh-huh.

[nods]

Father Dougal: And then his son came down and saved everyone and all that?

Bishop Facks: Yes.

Father Dougal: And when we die we're all going to go to heaven?

Bishop Facks: Yes. What about it?

Father Dougal: Well, that's the bit I have trouble with.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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