Father Jack Hackett: How did that gobshite get on the television?
Father Ted Crilly: So... let me get this straight. You were up on an old man, riding him around and whipping him. For an hour.
Father Dougal McGuire: Yes.
Father Ted Crilly: You realise that image will stay with me for the rest of my life?
Father Dougal McGuire: Spider-Baby- It's got the body of a spider, and the mind of a baby.
Tom: Father... I've killed a man.
Father Ted Crilly: Er, well, we'll talk about that later, Tom. Right now, I'm going to be on the telly!
Father Ted Crilly: Uh... Dougal... there's uh... some shaving cream there.
Father Dougal McGuire: No, no, Ted, your grand.
Father Ted Crilly: No... on you.
Father Dougal McGuire: Oh... where exactly Ted?
Father Ted Crilly: Just there, below your ear.
Father Dougal McGuire: Here?
Father Ted Crilly: Yes and there's... uh... there's a bit more...
Father Dougal McGuire: Gone?
Father Ted Crilly: No, there's still just a tiny... Dougal, its all over the place!
Father Dougal McGuire: How on Earth did that get there?... I didn't even shave this morning!
[Talking to Dougal at Funland]
Father Ted Crilly: You're supposed to be taking Jack for his walk.
Father Dougal McGuire: Well erm, the cliffs were closed for the day.
Father Ted Crilly: How can the cliffs be closed Dougal?
Father Dougal McGuire: OK no, it wasn't that. They were gone
Father Ted Crilly: Gone? The cliffs were gone. How could they just disappear?
Father Dougal McGuire: Erosion.
[Pouring Jack a cup of tea]
Mrs. Doyle: Now what do you say to a cup?
Father Jack Hackett: Feck off, cup!
Mrs Doyle: What would you say to a cup father?
[offers him a cup of tea]
Father Jack Hackett: FECK OFF, CUP!
[Dougal is holding the front panel of a TV up to his face]
Father Jack Hackett: What's that gobshite doing on the television?