- Harriette Winslow: But Carl, why must you show up for a showdown?
- Carl Winslow: Because that's my job, I have to enforce the law of the West.
- Harriette Winslow: Why can't the West have simpler rules, like "no smoking in elevators"?
- Rachel Crawford: What's an elevator?
- Harriette Winslow: It's a real fast way to get upstairs.
- Rachel Crawford: For me, it's cash.
- Rachel Crawford: Oh, Laura, that eye shadow is perfect on you. You can borrow it anytime.
- Harriette Winslow: No, she can't. It's fine for dress-up, but not outside of the house.
- Rachel Crawford: Harriette, don't be such a prude.
- Richie Crawford: Aunt Harriette's a prune?
- Rachel Crawford: Prude. Though prune sorta fits.
- Rachel Crawford: What is that awful smell?
- Harriette Winslow: Carl, what happened?
- Carl Winslow: I was out in the backyard, minding my own burgers, when all of a sudden the wind shifts and I get this-this-this-this-this stench from Dr. Urkel's compost heap. So I went over to complain.
- Harriette Winslow: Carl, you didn't make a scene.
- Carl Winslow: Of course not. I politely suggested to Dr. Urkel that the stench from his compost heap was unbearable. He suggested to me that the stench started when I walked in his backyard. So I told him, Oh, yeah? Well, that's big talk coming from a little quack. And then next thing I know, he slam-dunked me into the compost heap.
- Rachel Crawford: He threw you? But, Carl, Dr. Urkel is a teeny... tiny man.
- Carl Winslow: He surprised me.
- Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: But still the man's a munchkin.
- Carl Winslow: Well, anyway, then he came at me with a garden hose. I had to defend myself, Harriette.
- Harriette Winslow: Oh, Carl, you hit him?
- Carl Winslow: No! I-I-I merely put out my arm to fend him off and he ran into my fist. Then he started crying and ran into the house.
- [Steve enters]
- Steve Urkel: You! You... You big... bully!
- Carl Winslow: Oh, great. Son of Urkel.
- Steve Urkel: Carl, I love you like a father and my father like a... neighbor. But you have dented my dad. Therefore, I have no choice but to defend our family honor. It's the code of the Urkels!
- [puts up his fists]
- Carl Winslow: Go home, Steve!
- Steve Urkel: I'll leave. But rest assured, I shall return! Revenge shall be mine!
- [Carl shuts the door behind Steve. Steve presses his nose against the door]
- Steve Urkel: And by the way, this is what my dad's nose looks like!
- Carl Winslow: [wakes up from his dream] Two-Gun! You're alive!
- [picks Steve up and spins him around all the while Steve screams]
- Steve Urkel: [when Carl puts him down] Carl, this is no time to do the lambada!
- Steve Urkel: I'm calling you out.
- Carl Winslow: Well I'll be right here tomorrow at high noon.
- [ominous music plays for the umpteenth time, everybody looks around]
- Steve Urkel: Yeah well in the meantime let's form a posse and track down that dang orchestra.
- Carl Winslow: Look here, Two-Gun, I'm real sorry about what I done, but I did it because it had to be done.
- Steve Urkel: Yeah well you done it, and now you' gotta die!
- Carl Winslow: Dang!