Peter Griffin: This is it, pal. We're goners.
Brian Griffin: Peter, I want you to know I've really cherished our friendship.
Peter Griffin: Me, too. That's why I was holding this in. But since we're gonna die anyway...
Brian Griffin: Peter, that's it!
Peter Griffin: Hey, pull my finger.
Brian Griffin: My pleasure.
Brian Griffin: Hey, Peter? This next one you can blame on the dog.
Peter Griffin: Silent but lifesaving.
Lois Griffin: Peter, talent just doesn't disappear.
Peter Griffin: It can, I mean you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
[cutaway to Peter on his bed]
Peter Griffin: Come on, move around. Jeez, it's like I'm doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's house that night.
Peter Griffin: [with an embarrassed look] Oh.
Glen Quagmire: Hey gorgeous! You want to come home with me?
Woman in Bar: I'm with my husband!
Glen Quagmire: Lose the zero, get with the hero.
[Quagmire's face punched by husband]
Glen Quagmire: Little violent for you, don't you think?
[punched again by husband]
Glen Quagmire: Huh, I'll be right over there.
Game Show Host: This one is for Peter Griffin and Tony Randall.
Game Show Announcer: The password is... flaming.
Peter Griffin: You...
Tony Randall: Actor.
Peter Griffin: You...
Tony Randall: Tony?
Peter Griffin: You...
Peter Griffin: Oh Lois, thank God it's you! The last three houses I went to were very rude.
Lois Griffin: Have you been drinking?
Peter Griffin: Why yes I have... thank you.
Peter Griffin: Jeez Lois, still with the Piano? What's a guy got to do to get a little attention around here?
Lois Griffin: Peter, that's incredible!
[plays perfect piano]
Lois Griffin: I don't understand how... you're like the idiot from Shine! Meg, you're free. Try the clarinet. Keep playing, keep playing!
Peter Griffin: Oh jeez. This hangover's killing me. I haven't felt this crappy since the time I went to that museum.
Peter Griffin: [flashback to when he was a kid] Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
Museum Guide: Because you touch yourself at night.
[Peter hangs his head in shame]
The Don: You come to me and ask me to kill a man I do not know. Now I ask you... why should I kill this Count Chocula?
Captain Crunch: Because that son of a bitch has been spreading lies. My cereal does not cut the roof of your mouth... with all respect.
Peter Griffin: Lois, you don't get it. The lesson here is that abusing alcohol has absolutely no negative consequences. You have your trophy and my brain cells are just fine.
Brian Griffin: [drunk and encouraging Peter's drinking] Go! Go! Go!
Lois Griffin: [entering the room] Peter, it's 6 o'clock in the morning!
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben.
[Peter and Brian laugh]
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again!
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.
[Peter has lost his ability to play the piano]
Lois Griffin: Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that!
Peter Griffin: Well, sometimes it does. I mean, you were pretty bad in bed Saturday night.
Peter Griffin: Come on Lois, move or something! Jeez, it's like doing it with a pillow.
Lois Griffin: Peter, I stayed at my mother's that night.
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Mayor Adam West: All right, listen to me you long-neck bastard. You give me the scroll and I make you Head of Sanitation Services for the entire city. It's a do-nothing job, sweetcake.
Lois Griffin: Why do you care so much about touring a stupid brewery?
Peter Griffin: Lois, everyone has their sanctuary. The Catholics have churches, fat people have Wisconsin, and I have the Pawtucket Brewery. Now, now help me drink these beers.
Lois Griffin: Peter, it's 7 in the morning.
Brian Griffin: Thanks for the update, Big Ben!
Lois Griffin: You're drunk again.
Peter Griffin: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.
Lois Griffin: Listen Peter, if you keep this up, something terrible is gonna happen.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, something terrible... all the way to the bank.
Brian Griffin: Nice.
Tom Tucker: It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons, but I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch."
Peter Griffin: Oh man, this is the happiest day of my life. Now I know how Barbra Streisand must've felt the day she married James Brolin.
Pawtucket Pat: Take a drink, and you'll sink, to a state of pure inebriation. You'll be tanked, like the whole Irish nation. When you drink enough of my beer, you will find this magic rule. Make your every joke a jewel. You'll drive drunker than... Oksana Baiul. Go on buds, drink my suds, 'til you've reached that pure inebriation. Though the beer, may be free... you're just renting it from me.
Peter Griffin: It's like I died and went to heaven. But, but then they realized that it wasn't my time, and so they sent me back to a brewery.
Son: I cant believe I'm missing Ronnies party for this.
Mother: That Ronnie is a very bad influence.
Father: Yeah that little bastard sold me some very bad crack.
Mother: Stay out of it Herb your not even his real Father.
Joe Swanson: Hey, Pat, where's the wheelchair ramp?
Pawtucket Pat: Oh, we don't have one. I guess this is where you get off.
[Pawtucket Pat blows a whistle and the Chumba Wumbas come out]
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba Wumba gobbledy goo / Life isn't fair it's sad but it's true / Chumba Wumba gobbledy gee / When your poor legs are stiff as a tree.
Chumba Wumba #1: What do you do when you're stuck in a chair?
Chumba Wumba #2: Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?
Chumba Wumba #3: What do you think of the one you call God?
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Isn't His absence slight-ly odd?
Chumba Wumba #4: Maybe He's forgotten you.
Chumba Wumba Chorus: Chumba wumba gobbledy gorse / Count yourself lucky you're not a horse / They would turn you into dog food / Or to chumba wumba gobbledy glue!
[the Chumba Wumbas push Joe out of the factory]
Joe Swanson: I'm glad I'm not taking your stupid tour! I'm a Coors man anyway. Silver bullet!
Chumba Wumba #2: Gobbledy glue!