Tom Tucker: [showing Meg and Neil Goldman around the studio] And here's where we produce our in-studio celebrity interviews. I just did one with Dustin Hoffman. He's almost impossible to book but we got him.
[the video plays]
Tom Tucker: [on TV screen, sitting in a chair] So, Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look great.
[cuts to a clip from The Graduate - the famous shot of Ben Braddock framed by Mrs Robinson's stockinged leg]
Dustin Hoffman: [as Ben Braddock] Are you trying to seduce me...
[a different-sounding voice is dubbed over him]
- Mr. Tucker?
Tom Tucker: [laughs] I am not tying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman, you really look great.
Dustin Hoffman: [as Raymond Babbitt in Rain Man] Uh oh, 12 minutes to Wapner.
Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here in the studio. If there's anything I can ever do for you...
Dustin Hoffman: [as Captain Hook in Hook] Bring me Peter Pan!
Tom Tucker: I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin.
[the video ends]
Tom Tucker: [to Meg and Neil, holding his hand up to his chest] He's this tall.
Meg Griffin: Oh my God! I'm missing the news!
Peter Griffin: We all miss The News, Meg. But Huey Lewis needs time to create, we have to learn to be patient.
Lois Griffin: [sees the bully tied up on a chair in the basement] What's going on down here?
Stewie Griffin: Uh, we're playing 'House'.
Lois Griffin: That boy is all tied up.
Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.
[American Beauty spoof - while recording Stewie riding his tricycle, Peter suddenly becomes transfixed by a plastic bag blowing around in the wind]
Peter Griffin: [gasps] Look, it's dancing with me. It's like there's this incredibly benevolent force that wants me to know there's no reason to be afraid. Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world it makes my heart burst.
God: [shouting down from the clouds] It's just some trash blowing in the wind! Do you have any idea how complicated your circulatory system is?
Meg Griffin: I just want to kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now and eat a whole bowl of peanuts!
[Peter and Lois don't say anything]
Meg Griffin: I'm allergic to peanuts!
[still Peter and Lois say nothing]
Meg Griffin: You don't know anything about me!
[she runs upstairs]
Peter Griffin: Who was that guy?
Neil Goldman: [carrying a cup of coffee] Try to move on my woman, will you, Tom Tucker? Well, no one crosses Neil Goldman and gets away with it!
Neil Goldman: I added a little something to your coffee that I don't think you're going to like.
[enters Tom Tucker's dressing room]
Neil Goldman: Here's your coffee, Mr. Tucker.
Tom Tucker: [takes a sip and spits it out] What the hell is in this?
Neil Goldman: Sweet'N Low! That's for trying to steal my woman!
Tom Tucker: Go back and bring it to me with urine in it like I asked!
Neil Goldman: [runs off] Yes, sir.
Neil Goldman: [to the other students] What I'm about to show you is a fight scene from Star Trek season 1, episode 18. And as a bonus, I'm going to identify when it's Shatner and when it's his stunt double, Fred Lubins. Let's watch.
[he plays a video of Captain Kirk fighting a monster]
Neil Goldman: [commenting over the scene as it cuts to different shots] That's Shatner, of course. That's Lubins. And that's Shatner. And that's Lubins. That's Shatner. That's Lubins. And that's Shatner, but when I freeze-frame you can clearly see Lubins' coffee cup sitting on that rock!
Meg Griffin: [to girl sitting next to her] He is the biggest dork on the planet!
Girl: Oh, totally.
Neil Goldman: And so, because of his rough-and-tumble style of command, Captain Kirk is clearly superior to Jean-Luc Picard. Any questions?
[goes up to Meg and leans close to her face]
Neil Goldman: [lustfully] Me-e-eg?
Meg Griffin: [recoiling] No! Leave me alone!
Teacher: Thank you, Neil, for that incredibly irrelevant presentation. We all know Captain Picard is the superior officer.
Meg Griffin: [Neil snatches her clipboard off her] Give it to me!
Neil Goldman: What's that?
Meg Griffin: Give it to me, Neil!
[he pulls out a tape recorder and plays it back]
Meg Griffin: [on tape] Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil!
Neil Goldman: Yeah. That'll work just fine.
Tom Tucker: Hey, look who's here, Diane, it's our bright-eyed young interns. Did you two remember to wear your eager caps?
Meg Griffin: I sure did, Mr. Tucker!
Diane Simmons: Great, cos you two are gonna have so much fun!
Tom Tucker: [through the side of his mouth] Don't act any cheerier, Diane, you'll give us all diabetes.
Diane Simmons: [through the side of her mouth] Bite me, Tom.
Stewie Griffin: [entering a police station] I say, Constable, I'd like to report the theft of my tricycle.
Police Officer: [Irish accent] Aww, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where your mommy?
Stewie Griffin: How dare you condescend to me! I demand justice!
Man: I'm here to turn myself in. I have a dismembered Baltic hooker bleeding through the tarp in my trunk.
Police Officer: [pointing at the man] Aw, look at the little baby. Aren't you cute? Where your mommy?
Stewie Griffin: [walks away in frustration] Gah!
[Stewie is riding along on his tricycle, suddenly he comes up against a big, mean kid]
Charlie: Nice bike.
Stewie Griffin: [cheerfully] Oh, if that's not the understatement of the century!
[Stewie dismounts it, thinking he's having a friendly chat. The kid gets on it]
Charlie: It's cool. Too cool for you!
Stewie Griffin: No-no. No-no. I think it's right where I'm at.
Charlie: Out of my way!
Stewie Griffin: [as the kid rides off] Oh I see, oh yes, yes, I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues. Well, then, I'll just wait right here til you get back.
[time passes, it gets darker]
Stewie Griffin: [sighs] Where the devil is he?
Brian Griffin: You've obviously never met a bully.
Stewie Griffin: What the deuce do you mean, "bully"?
Brian Griffin: He wasn't taking it for a test ride, he was just taking it.
Stewie Griffin: [gasp] You... you mean?
Brian Griffin: [nods] Mm-hm.
Stewie Griffin: [starting to cry] He... stole... my... trikey?
[Stewie bawls. Brian comforts him]
Peter Griffin: Come on, Stewie, your mom and I have something for ya.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, let me guess, you've picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! Big shock, a Jack pops out. And you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.
[in the waiting room for the intern interviews]
Diane Simmons: [thinking] Oh, God, I can't hire any of these girls. They're all too pretty. Their breasts are too perky.
Diane Simmons: [thinking] Perfect!
Diane Simmons: Congratulations, you got the job.
Tom Tucker: [looking at his reflection in a spoon while Meg tries to give him some rice crispy squares she's made for him] I'm sorry but there's a handsome man in my spoon. You'll have to come back later.
Mass Media Murderer: [standing on the roof of Quahog Town Hall, holding a gun to Hugh Downs' head] I've got Hugh Downs up here, and I'm gonna splatter his distinguished career all the over the pavement!
Hugh Downs: Hey, why me? Why the media?
Mass Media Murderer: I've got my reasons. Dan Rather thinks he can just condense a whole day's worth of events into a half-hour.
Hugh Downs: Oh, don't get me started on Rather, that arrogant jerk.
Mass Media Murderer: Really? You know him?
Hugh Downs: Well, I'm Hugh Downs, I know everybody. In fact, he's right down there.
Mass Media Murderer: [looks towards the ground] Where?
[Hugh Downs knocks the gun out of his hand and runs away]
Hugh Downs: Ha ha! See ya later, sucker! And by the way, Rather is an OK guy in small doses.
Stewie Griffin: [to the bully who stole his tricycle] You know, my hooligan friend, I've been racking my brain in a thus-far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness. But then it dawned on me, your cruelty merely stems from some deep-seated inner pain. So the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of...
[whips out a gun]
- OUTER PAIN!
[he fires the gun - a net shoots out and traps the bully]