Lois Griffin: Meg, put your bib on.
Meg Griffin: I don't want to wear a bib.
Lois Griffin: Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
Peter Griffin: She means your nipples are sticking out.
Brian Griffin: [upon seeing Peter's penis] Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks like.
Peter: [after taking communion] That was the blood of Christ?
Peter: Wow! He must've been loaded 24-hours a day, huh?
Lisa McDonald: Bye, Dad. Don't wait up.
Ronald McDonald: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, Lisa. Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on.
Lisa McDonald: But, Dad...
Ronald McDonald: Upstairs. You're a McDonald, not a whore.
Diane Simmons: Peter, do you think there may be any validity to what Meg is feeling?
Peter: WHO ARE YOU CALLING UNCLE TOM?
Meg Griffin: Mom! Dad! I'm home!
[she looks at the non-Griffins]
Meg Griffin: Who are you?
Tom Arnold: We're the Griffins!
Meg Griffin: No you're not! You're Tom Arnold! And you're Fran Drescher, and you're... that fat guy from _Boogie Nights And you're the Olsen twins?
Mary Kate Olsen: Blast! Damn you all! Victory is mine!
Ashley Olsen: Who's leg do you have to hump to get a dry Martini around here?
[cut to a hotel where the Griffins stayed]
Fran Drescher: Oh Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois Griffin: Ugh, I do not sound like that. Oh, this is terrible. We're the laughing stock of the town and we lost our daughter!
Chris Griffin: [On 'The Real Live Griffins' reality TV show] One time my dad pooped in the neighbor's yard and lied about it.
Joe Swanson: I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up.
Stewie Griffin: The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
Meg Griffin: Mom!
Chris Griffin: Hahahaha! Nipples!
Meg Griffin: That's it! I want those cameras off!
Chris Griffin: Fourth wall, you're breaking the fourth wall!
Lois Griffin: Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place.
Meg Griffin: Well now, I am getting us off TV.
Meg Griffin: I quit!
Stewie Griffin: You, cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter. If they can make her look half-human, they should be able to take six months off my face.
Peter Griffin: [opening drawer] Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here!
[He opens the book and dances around with it]
Peter Griffin: Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!
Peter Griffin: Hey, camera guy. Check this out.
[holding up an old woman puppet]
Peter Griffin: 'Peter Griffin and Madame.' Oh, Madam, you're a lusty old gal, aren't you?
Peter Griffin: [as Madame] You're the one with your hand up my backside, darling.
Peter Griffin: Oh! She got me!
Peter Griffin: I find the toothpaste with the pump is a little easier to get on the brush. Ummm... you might have noticed my underwear has a hole in it. It's uh... you know, I... I don't see any reason to throw it out. The waist is still fine. You know, see. See, it's still real stretchy.
Meg Griffin: [irate after being replaced on a Griffin Family reality show] How could you let them replace me?
Peter Griffin: Believe me, Meg, it was better than Plan B.
[Cut to the operating tent from M*A*S*H]
Peter Griffin: [Brian walks in] Brian, put a mask on!
Brian Griffin: I have an announcement: The plane carrying Meg Griffin was shot down over the Sea of Japan. It spun in. There were no survivors.
Stewie Griffin: [enters wearing a dress] Who do I see about a Section Eight?