- Mr. Bigley: You girls pulling my leg? You know what happened here, the Halloween massacre!
- Natalie Green: What massacre?
- Mr. Bigley: Guess you don't know. Let me see now, yes, happened back in '05 when this place was the home of the four old maid Gruber sisters.
- Natalie Green: Old maid? That's a very sexist term, but go on.
- Mr. Bigley: One Halloween night, Gertrude the mean one got into a terrible argument with Heidi and Helga and Fritzi, oh you could hear the dummkopfs and schweinhunds for blocks. Suddenly, the voices stopped.
- Blair Warner: Why?
- Jo Polniaczek: That's where the massacre part comes in, dummkopf.
- Mr. Bigley: Yes, oh yes, the way I heard it, Old Gertie gut Heidi and Helga and Fritzi with a big butcher knife. Never heard in what order. So they took Grizzly Gertie away the next day, but people say she never really left, if you know what I mean.
- Edna Garrett: Natalie wasn't totally lying.
- Natalie Green: I wasn't?
- Edna Garrett: No. The legend is true. It is Halloween, and... there vill be a murder in this house tonight.
- Tootie Ramsey: [a loud whine of a knife sharpener is heard] Hear that? She's sharpening her knives again. I'm convinced that woman's possessed!
- Blair Warner: Tootie.
- Tootie Ramsey: Don't Tootie me! Poor Mrs. Garrett's a textbook case of possession! She's got all the symptoms: sleeping in the presence of a cold evil spirit, she's forgetful, she's lying, she's even got that glint in her eyes!
- Jo Polniaczek: Oh Tootie will you calm down?
- Tootie Ramsey: How can I calm down when poor Mrs. Garrett's in trouble? There must be something in one of my books to help her out.
- Mr. Bigley: Unexplained things started happening like Gertrude's bedroom, the one in the back, got much colder than the rest of the house.
- Tootie Ramsey: Hey that's Mrs. Garrett's bedroom. Remember she complained how cold it was last night?
- Jo Polniaczek: Oh big deal, her bedroom faces north, a cold room is not that strange.
- Mr. Bigley: That's true, that's true, until the people who live in that bedroom star to lose their minds. The way I heard it, there's been five over the years, all women, all crazy.
- Tootie Ramsey: Mrs. Garrett, I thought you were Grizzly Gertie with that knife!
- Edna Garrett: Tootie, why were you sleeping in that chair?
- Tootie Ramsey: I was getting nervous, I wanted to sleep closer to the door.
- Natalie Green: Mrs. Garrett, your joke worked a lot better last night.
- Edna Garrett: What joke?
- Natalie Green: Oh come on, last night you were standing over my bed at 3 A.M., sharpening that butcher knife, doing a terrific Grizzly Gertie. "Helga, you will now learn some respect, ja?"
- [laughs]
- Natalie Green: Good joke.
- Edna Garrett: I wasn't in here at all last night, and I'm in no mood for jokes!
- Blair Warner: Natalie, you were kidding about Mrs. Garrett coming in here last night, weren't you?
- [Natalie shakes her head]
- Blair Warner: Well then you were dreaming?
- Natalie Green: Hey anything's possible, but when I dream somebody's standing over my bed, it's going to be Rick Springfield.
- Tootie Ramsey: Guys, this is serious. What if Grizzly Gertie's spirit really is affecting Mrs. Garrett?
- Blair Warner: Tootie, you've been watching too many horror movies.
- Tootie Ramsey: This is nothing to do with movies! If Natalie was dreaming last night, what's Mrs. Garrett's slipper doing in here?
- Natalie Green: Guys, I've got something to show you, take a look at this.
- [takes a plaid shirt out of a trash bag]
- Blair Warner: It's hardly you, Natalie.
- Natalie Green: It's Mr. Bigley's! I found it in the trash behind the shop, along with this!
- [takes out a butcher knife]
- Blair Warner: That's strange. I just saw Mr. Bigley's package of bratwurst, he never picked it up.
- Natalie Green: I know, that's why I decided to call his motel down the block, you know what I found out?
- Jo Polniaczek: I hate it when you play Columbo.
- Natalie Green: They're looking for Mr. Bigley too! He was supposed to check out at noon but his luggage is still there along with an airline ticket on a flight that left five hours ago.
- Jo Polniaczek: I don't believe the way you guys jump to conclusions. I mean, what hard evidence have you got? A cold room, Mrs. G's slipper, Mr. Bigely's jacket, a butcher knife, twenty-five pounds of mystery meat.
- [laughs]
- Jo Polniaczek: [suddenly stops, staring at the bratwurst she'd been eating that Mrs. Garrett made] It adds up, doesn't it?
- Blair Warner: Facts are facts, shortly after Mr. Bigley... disappears... your bratwurst runneth over.
- Edna Garrett: [with a look of horror] Mr. Bigley... in my bratwurst? Are you girls CRAZY?
- Jo Polniaczek: We asked you first.
- Edna Garrett: Tootie, why were you sleeping in that chair?
- Tootie Ramsey: I was starting to get nervous, I wanted to sleep closer to the door.
- Roy: Smile! You're on Candid Camera!
- Blair Warner: How long have you been in that barrel?
- Jo Polniaczek: Not long enough!