Patrick Stewart: I will "Make It So."
[blank look from Andy]
Patrick Stewart: You've seen "Star Trek: The Next Generation?"
Andy Millman: I haven't, no.
Patrick Stewart: Why? Your wife won't let you have it on?
Andy Millman: I'm not married.
Patrick Stewart: Oh, your girlfriend then?
Andy Millman: I haven't got a girlfriend either. I live alone.
Patrick Stewart: You're not married, you haven't got a girlfriend... and you've never watched "Star Trek?"
Andy Millman: No.
Patrick Stewart: Good Lord...
[Andy has come to see Patrick Stewart in his trailer]
Patrick Stewart: I'm writing a screenplay and I find the whole process absolutely exhilarating.
Andy Millman: What's yours about, if you don't mind my asking?
Patrick Stewart: Well, uh - how best to explain it; you've seen me in "X-Men"...
Andy Millman: Yeah.
Patrick Stewart: The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier, if you remember, he can control things with the power of his mind - can make people do things and see things, so I thought, what if you could do that for real? I mean, not in a comic book world, but in the real world.
Andy Millman: Oh, all right.
Patrick Stewart: So in my film, I play a man who controls the world with his mind.
Andy Millman: Right. Oh, that's interesting.
Patrick Stewart: Yeah. For instance, I'm walking along, and I see this beautiful girl, and I think I'd like to see her naked, and so all her clothes fall off.
Andy Millman: All her - clothes fall off?
Patrick Stewart: Yes, and she's scrabbling around to get them back on again, but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything. Yeah. I've seen it all.
Andy Millman: [pause] Okay. It's a comedy, is it?
Patrick Stewart: No. It's about what would happen, you know, if these things were possible.
Andy Millman: What's the story, though, what's the...
Patrick Stewart: Well, I do other stuff; like I'm riding my bike in the park, and this policewoman says "Oi! You can't ride your bike on the grass!" and I go "Oh no?" And her uniform falls off, and she goes "Ahh!" and she's trying to cover up, but I've seen everything anyway. And I get on my bike and I ride off. On the grass.
Andy Millman: [increasingly uncomfortable] So it's mainly you sort of go around seeing ladies' tits?
Patrick Stewart: Mainly.
[on the side, whispering during Patrick Stewart's dramatic monologue]
Maggie Jacobs: Here's one: What would you rather be...
Andy Millman: Is now the best time to do this?
Maggie Jacobs: Right. Would you rather be you, with your face and your legs, and the brain of a chimpanzee...
Andy Millman: Brilliant.
Maggie Jacobs: ...or would you rather be a chimpanzee, but with your brain?
Andy Millman: I can't answer that. It's too inane, even for you. That's the worst one yet.
Patrick Stewart: And I do other stuff, like I go to the World Cup final, and it's Germany versus England, and I wish that I were playing, and suddenly I am, and I score the winning goal, and they carry me into the dressing room and there's Roony and Beckham and then Posh Spice walks in and...
Andy Millman: Her clothes fall off?
Patrick Stewart: Instantly.
Andy Millman: Sure.
Patrick Stewart: And she doesn't know what's happening, but I've...
Andy Millman: [pause] Good. Is there a narrative at all, is there like a story in the film, or is it just...
Patrick Stewart: Well, I'm a sort of a James Bond figure...
Andy Millman: Right.
Patrick Stewart: And I have to go to Iraq, to rescue these hostages. And I get there and I rescue them, but they're all women and they're naked because their clothes have rotted off. But I get them into the helicopter, and I'm flying the helicopter, but I can still sneak a look in the mirror and I can see everything, you know. One of them's bending over, two of them are kissing...
Andy Millman: They've turned lesbian.
Patrick Stewart: Yeah, because they've been in the camp for so long.
Andy Millman: Can happen. Well, look, good luck with that. I've just written a sitcom, but I wonder if you could give it to anyone you know, you know, in film or TV...
Patrick Stewart: Is there any nudity in it?
Iain Morris: So where do you see this going?
Darren Lamb: BBC 1.
Andy Millman: No...
Darren Lamb: BBC 3.
Andy Millman: NO! I was thinking BBC 2...