- Marie Barone: I think you could do this one thing for me while I'm still here.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: You mean in the basement?
- Gerard: [reading] "It was Sandy Koufax, Nolan Ryan to name a few. Well, these men are-"
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Hey, what are you doing?
- Gerard: Yeah, it's nothing. It's good. Whatever. "And"
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Gerard, if there's something wrong, you gotta tell me.
- Gerard: It's just - I don't know. Doesn't whore have a "W"?
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: What are you talking about?
- Gerard: You called some guy a whore in here.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't-I don't call a guy a whore in my book.
- Gerard: Yes, you do. "Lou Gehrig was the Iron Hore" H-O-R-E.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah, horse. See, I forgot the "S". He was the Iron Horse.
- Gerard: Oh. That doesn't make sense either.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: But that's good. That's a typo. Thanks.
- Gerard: Yeah, but you would have found it eventually.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: But you found it.
- Gerard: Or someone else would've.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Gerard, you did it. You found something. You're doing good.
- Gerard: I might have missed something else though. I think I was distracted by that whore.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: It's not whore! I don't write whore in my book!
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: [Everyone is complaining about Gerard] Wait a minute, wait a minute! He's not that bad.
- Frank Barone: He's a schmo! He's got no zest for life.
- Marie Barone: I mean, he's very negative. How did you put it Robby?
- Robert Barone: Loser!
- Marie Barone: And he only comes over here to eat. Your eggs are ready, dear.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: You know, Debra thinks that I'm a lot like him.
- [Suddenly everyone freezes all at once then, jjust as suddenly, unfreezes again all at once]
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: What the hell was that?
- Marie Barone: What, dear?
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: It was like, time froze for a second. And when-
- [Robert is trying to repress a smile and failing]
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: What are you laughing at? You agree with Debra!
- Marie Barone: No, not at all, dear. It's just...
- Frank Barone: Now that you mention it...
- Robert Barone: It's uncanny!
- [Robert laughs uproariously]
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: You think that I'm like him and you think he's annoying, so you think I'm annoying!
- Robert Barone: Uh, I believe that's the transitive property.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: [imitating Gerard's nasal whiny voice, which people tell Ray sounds like himself] Oh, nooo! I spilled the white-out!
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: I don't need anybody, Ma, especially Gerard.
- Marie Barone: I happen to know that Gerard is a very responsible young man, and he's exactly what you need. And I owe his mother.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: For what?
- Marie Barone: You know, when Robert got divorced? She set him up with Melissa.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: I don't think you owe someone for setting up a guy with his own cousin.
- Marie Barone: It was just to talk. They had a lot in common.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah, DNA.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: [to Gerard] You even talk strange. You're all nasally and whinily and - like the word you just said, right...
- [points]
- Gerard: [Now, in nasal] Ne-ow?
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: [shakes head] Okay, what does a cat say?
- Gerard: [confused] You mean a talking cat?
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: No! A regular cat, a regular cat. What does a regular cat say?
- Gerard: Meow?
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Meow, now, meow, now. You see how annoying that can be?
- Gerard: Yeah, but what do you want?
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Try it like this.
- [deep round tone]
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: right NOW.
- Gerard: Right ne-ow.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Try it again.
- Gerard: Right ne-ow.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: [normal] Right now.
- Gerard: [all in nasal] Right ne-ow
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Now!
- Gerard: Neow!
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Now!
- Gerard: Neow!
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Now!
- Gerard: Neow! It's the same.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: [more Now's until Ray says] It isn't... this isn't about me Gerard.
- Gerard: Well, knock it off! You're really annoying. That's right! You know what? I quit! I've had it with you and your whole side of the family. I only took this job because my mom owes Aunt Marie.
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: My mom owes your mom!
- Gerard: Yeah yeah , believe whatever you want. I'm outta here, you crazy bastard!
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: [yells up basement steps] You got problems, pal! You got problems, all right?... And I'll tell you something, you're gonna go through life blind to your problems and there's no call for that kind of language!
- [to self]
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: Ne-ow. Ugh. Right ne-ow. Agh! Right now now!
- [Round deep tone again]
- Raymond "Ray" Barone: "Right NOW! Right NOW!