- TV announcer: [a TV news reader is giving an update] And topping the news, the Eerie Enquirer is reporting that a local Mom has averted a nuclear meltdown.
- TV announcer: [departing from his script] Hey, that's good news. Where did that come from?
- Mr. Conrad: [not interested in Mitchell and Stanley's complaints about a deceptive newspaper ad] Now, unless you got some news...
- Mitchell Taylor: How about, 'Innocent Boys Duped By Misleading Ad'. It's a great human interest story.
- Mr. Conrad: People got no interest in human interest. They want blood, gore, death and destruction. That's what sells papers.