Due South (TV Series)

Bird in the Hand (1995)

Paul Gross: Constable Benton Fraser

Quotes 

• Fraser Sr. : Just tried to give him a hand.

  Fraser : You don't have a hand.

• Fraser : Don't let anyone go in or out of that door.

  Constable Turnbull : Including myself?

  Fraser : Especially not yourself.

  Constable Turnbull : Not in or out.

  Fraser : That is correct.

  Constable Turnbull : But I'm already out, sir.

  Fraser : Yes.

  Constable Turnbull : So if I find myself inside, I should just stay there.

• Ray Vecchio : Ah. here it is. 'Lloyd P. Nash.' You want to know what the 'P' stands for?

  Fraser : Is it pertinent?

  Ray Vecchio : Not even close.

• Ray Vecchio : Maybe he wanted to kill us too.

  Fraser : Well, what possible motive could he have for that?

  Ray Vecchio : You know, sometimes you are the most annoying man that I know. There's plenty of times I've wanted to kill ya and I'm your best friend.

• Louise St. Laurent : [dumps a two-foot-thick stack of folders on Ray's desk]  Vecchio, you're going to trial a week from Wednesday on the Turner brothers' case. I've turned it over to Assistant State's Attorney Hilliard.

  Ray Vecchio : Stress-related vacation, Louise?

  Louise St. Laurent : I have assured Hilliard that you will have a complete and thorough recollection of the details of the case so as not to embarrass him on the stand, because if you embarrass him, you embarrass me. And you don't want to embarrass me. *Read it*.

  [stalks away as Fraser comes in] 

  Fraser : Busy?

  Ray Vecchio : Nope.

• Fraser Sr. : [about Gerard]  The bastard is sitting in there bragging about how he had me killed, and all I'm asking is that you do one small thing for me! Shoot him in the stomach and let him bleed to death! Think of it as a son's gift to his father - you did forget my birthday.

  Fraser : You were dead!

  Fraser Sr. : Well, still, one can have feelings. Not even a card!

• Ray Vecchio : [giving Fraser a small slip of paper]  Here, Benny, do me a favour. Pin this to your chest.

  Fraser : It says 'I am mentally deficient'.

  Ray Vecchio : Yeah, I just want Nash to know so he doesn't shoot us both dead.

  Fraser : That's not going to happen, Ray. All I'm going to do is ask him to tell the truth.

  Ray Vecchio : Just pin it to your chest.

  Fraser : No.

  Ray Vecchio : Pin it to your chest!

  Fraser : No.

• Lt. Harding Welsh : [on the phone with Turnbull]  Fraser says put him on the phone.

  [Int. consulate; Gerrard pounding on the door] 

  Constable Turnbull : In order to do that, sir, I would have to confirm that there was someone here.

  Gerrard : [yelling from Fraser's office]  I have to use the bathroom, you moron!

  [Int. Welsh's office] 

  Lt. Harding Welsh : If he's not there, who's that yelling to use the bathroom?

  ATF Agent MacFadden : That's it! I want Vecchio arrested for aiding and abetting!

  Lt. Harding Welsh : He says he never even saw the prisoner.

  Ray Vecchio : Which is true!

  ATF Agent MacFadden : He's complicitous! He knows where he is!

  Ray Vecchio : Well, so do you! I want *him* arrested!

  Louise St. Laurent : Just go over there and get Gerrard and bring him back.

  Fraser : Well, you can't do that, actually. He's on Canadian soil and he's under my protection.

  Louise St. Laurent : That's it. Lock him up!

  Ray Vecchio : You can't do that! He has diplomatic immunity!

  Fraser : Well, actually, strictly speaking, Ray...

  Ray Vecchio : Shut up, Fraser!

  Fraser : Will do.

  Constable Turnbull : If it's of any help, sir, I can confirm that we do have a bathroom.

• Ray Vecchio : So, how's your leg?

  Fraser : Fine.

  Ray Vecchio : Is that the same leg that he shot you in last time?

  Fraser : Yes.

  Ray Vecchio : Same leg they stabbed you in?

  Fraser : Yes, Ray.

  Ray Vecchio : Your country give you a medal for getting wounded like that?

  Fraser : No. Not that I'm aware of.

  Ray Vecchio : [Pins something to Fraser's jacket]  Then I think you should have this.

  Fraser : [Reads it]  Please shoot the other leg.

  [beat] 

  Fraser : Now that's just not amusing, Ray.