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Quotes

[Duckman is cross-examining King Chicken]

Eric Duckman: King Chicken - Was it you or me that day that said "egg?"

George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: This... is your plan?

[chuckles]

Eric Duckman: Just answer the question!

George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: It was you.

Eric Duckman: Exa... heh. Oops. Well, uh - Was my saying "egg" in any way because of ventriloquism? And remember: You are under oath!

George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: No! There was no ventriloquism!

Eric Duckman: Uh... ha, ha. Did you, uh... use any kind of a hypno-ray on the crowd that made them hear "egg" when I really said "chicken?"

George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: You idiot! I assumed you had a reason for...

Eric Duckman: Ah! You *assumed!* Is that correct?

George Herbert Walker 'King' Chicken: [growls] Yes!

Eric Duckman: Then you shouldn't *assume!*

[writes "assume" on a chalkboard]

Eric Duckman: Because when you *assume,* you... you... - Wait. There's a trick here. I used to know it...

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Eric Duckman: Did you talk to my lawyer/urologist, Donald "The Shiv" Grillo?

Cornfed Pig: Yes, but he didn't answer back. He's dead. A rare case of peacetime fragging.

Eric Duckman: Damned Coast Guard reserve.

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Eric Duckman: Corny! Am I glad you're here! They stuck me in jail just because I said the egg came before the chicken.

Cornfed Pig: They disagree. It's heresy in this town to challenge their theory of chicken creationism - the deeply held belief that the chicken came before the egg. It's the same kind of mindless, intellectually bankrupt belief system once found in the Druids. Or the Reagan Administration.

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Cornfed Pig: Were you abused by your parents?

Eric Duckman: No.

Cornfed Pig: Teased at school?

Eric Duckman: No.

Cornfed Pig: A victim of racial rage?

Eric Duckman: No.

Cornfed Pig: Sexually harassed?

Eric Duckman: No.

Cornfed Pig: Fired for being chronically tardy?

Eric Duckman: No.

Cornfed Pig: Ever eat Twinkies?

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Cornfed Pig: Don't worry, Duckman. I'll see to it you get off - I mean, see to it you're found not guilty.

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Judge: Defense, cross?

Cornfed Pig: No, just a little peeved.

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Eric Duckman: Bernice, I am sick and tired of you treating me like some dim-bulb melonhead who's always on the verge of his next screw-up!

[Duckman hits the car, which then loses a tire and collapses]

Bernice: Okay, who had "destroys car" in the next Duckman screw-up pool?

Charles: I had "buys Lincoln Memorial."

Mambo: "Loses house in pyramid scheme."

Ajax: Herpes.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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