- Kermit the Frog: I'm kind of depressed.
- Dolly Parton: Depressed? But you're Kermit the Frog!
- Kermit the Frog: Well, that's just it. Kermit THE Frog. You know, I went to my dressing room, it said Kermit the Frog. Stage manager said, "Five minutes for Kermit the Frog." Do they ever call you Dolly the Human?
- Dolly Parton: I am so excited about tonight's show that I just dropped everything to tell you about it! Oh, it's going to be terrific! Literature, history, satire, redeeming qualities... Uh, we managed to avoid all those things.
- Dolly Parton: Remember, the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not!
- Delta Burke: Dolly Parton, Dolly Parton, big deal! I mean, what does she have that I couldn't have bleached?
- Audience Member: How long does it take to do your hair?
- Dolly Parton: How would I know? I'm never there! And that's the truth!