Sir Robert: Nevertheless, that creature won't give up, Doctor, and we still don't possess an actual weapon!
The Doctor: Oh, your dad got all the brains, didn't he?
Rose Tyler: Being rude again!
The Doctor: Good, I meant that one. You want weapons? We're in a library! Books! The best weapons in the world! This room's the greatest arsenal we could have - arm yourselves!
The Doctor: [held at gunpoint on the Scottish highlands] 1879. Same difference.
Reynolds: You will explain your presence, and the nakedness of this girl.
The Doctor: [Scottish accent] Are we in Scotland?
Reynolds: How can you be ignorant of that?
The Doctor: Oh, I'm dazed and confused. I've been chasing this wee naked child over hill and over dale. Isn't that right, you... tim'rous beastie?
Rose: [terrible Scottish accent] Och aye! I've been oot and aboot!
The Doctor: [normal voice] No, don't do that.
Rose: Hoots mon!
The Doctor: No, really don't. *Really*.
Host: Look, inside your eyes, you've seen it too!
Rose: Seen what?
Host: The wolf, there's something of the wolf about you!
Rose: I don't know what you mean.
Host: You burnt like the sun, but all I require is the moon!
Queen Victoria: What exactly, I pray, tell me, someone, please, what exactly is that creature?
The Doctor: You'd call it a werewolf, but technically it's more of a lupine-wavelength haemovariform...
The Doctor: [about the telescope] It's a bit rubbish. How many prisms has it got? Way too many... the magnification's gone right over the top, that's a stupid kind of -
[aside to ROSE]
- am I being rude again?
Rose Tyler: Yup.
The Doctor: But it's pretty! Very... pretty!
The Doctor: [Scottish Accent] I'm Doctor James McCrimmon, from the township of... er... Balamory
Sir Robert: It's all my fault. I should have sent you away. I tried to suggest something was wrong... I thought you might notice. Did you think there was nothing strange about my household staff?
The Doctor: Well, they were bald, athletic, your wife's away... I just thought you were happy!
Rose Tyler: [the werewolf is breaking through the door] What do we do?
The Doctor: We run!
Rose Tyler: That's it?
The Doctor: You got any silver bullets?
Rose Tyler: Not on me, no!
The Doctor: Then we run!
[to Queen Victoria]
The Doctor: Your Majesty, as your doctor, I recomend a brisk jog, it's good for your health!
Rose Tyler: [They are trapped in the library, but the werewolf has stopped attacking for the moment] Can I just say one thing?
The Doctor: What?
Rose Tyler: [Squeals excitedly] A werewolf!
The Doctor: [Just as excited] I know!
[They run to each other and hug. Then he pulls back to look over her]
The Doctor: Are you okay?
Rose Tyler: Yeah, I'm fine.
Rose Tyler: [after meeting Queen Victoria] I wanted to hear her say, "We are not amused." Bet you five quid I can get her to say it.
The Doctor: Taking that bet would be an abuse of my responsibilities as a traveller in time.
Rose Tyler: Ten quid?
The Doctor: Done.
[the TARDIS arrives on Earth, and the Doctor is excited to show Rose the late 70's]
The Doctor: 1979 - Hell of a year! China invades Vietnam. "The Muppet Movie" - love that film. Skylab falls to Earth, with a little help from me. Nearly took off my thumb.
The Doctor: And I like my thumb. I need my thumb. I'm very attached to...
The Doctor: [runs into Queen Victoria's guards, who cock their rifles at The Doctor and Rose] ... my thumb.
The Doctor: 1879 - same difference.
Rose Tyler: What do you think of this? Will it do?
The Doctor: In the late 1970s, you'd be better off in a bin bag. Hold on, listen to this.
[switches on music: "Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick"]
Ian Dury (recording): [singing] Das ist gute, es fantastique
The Doctor: Ian Dury and The Blockheads. Number one in 1979.
Rose Tyler: [laughing] You're a punk!
The Doctor, Ian Dury (recording): [singing along] It's good to be a lunatic
Rose Tyler: That's what you are: a- a big old punk, with a bit of... rockabilly thrown in.
Lady Isobel: [scream leaks into the TARDIS, they don't notice, sounding like a saxaphone squeal]
The Doctor: Would you like to see 'im?
Rose Tyler: How d'you mean, in concert?
The Doctor: What else is a TARDIS for? I can take you to the Battle of Trafalgar, the First Antigravity Olympics, Ceasar crossing the Rubicon, or... Ian Dury at the Top Rank, Sheffield, England, Earth, 21st November, 1979. What do you think?
Rose Tyler: Sheffield it is.
The Doctor: Hold on tight.
Lady Isobel: [scream continues as the TARDIS shoots off, warbling, into the time vortex]
Ian Dury (recording): [as the Doctor hits the controls with a rubber mallet to the rhythm] Hit me with your rhythm stick / Hit me
The Doctor: Aaaah!
Ian Dury (recording): Hit me / Das ist gute, ce fantastique
[the TARDIS lands with a thud, stopping the music and throwing Rose and the Doctor laughing onto their backs]
Rose Tyler: Ooh!
The Doctor: Ha ha ha ha ha! 1979! Hell of a year! China invades Vietnam.
The Doctor: [grabs his coat] "The Muppet Movie", *love* that film. Margaret Thatcher, urgh.
The Doctor: [puts coat on] Skylab falls to Earth, with a little help from me. Nearly took off my thumb.
The Doctor: [exits TARDIS] And I like my thumb; I need my thumb; I'm very attached to...
The Doctor: [rifles cock in their direction] ... my thumb.
[the Doctor and Rose raise surrender-hands]
The Doctor: *18*79. Same difference.
The Doctor: [about Rose] She's a feral child. I bought her for six pounds in Old London. It was either her or the elephant man.
Queen Victoria: And please excuse the naked girl.
Rose Tyler: Sorry.
The Doctor: She's a feral child. I bought her for sixpence in old London Town. It's was her or the Elephant Man, so...
Rose Tyler: Thinks he's funny but I'm so not amused.
Rose Tyler: moonlight, but it needs moonlight. It's made of moonlight!
The Doctor: Yer well your seventy percent water but you can still drown
Rose Tyler: Good job my mum's not here, she'd be fighting the wolf off with her bare hands for that.
The Doctor: And she'd win.
Rose Tyler: Is that the Koh-i-noor?
The Doctor: Oh yes. The greatest diamond in the world.
Queen Victoria: Given to me as the spoils of war. Perhaps its legend is now coming true. It is said that whoever owns it must surely die.
The Doctor: Well, that's true of anything if you wait long enough.
Queen Victoria: I take it, Sir, that you halted my train to bring me here
Father Angelo: We have waited so long for one of your journeys to coincide with the moon.
Queen Victoria: Then you have waited in vain. After six attempts on my life,
[she reaches into her clutch-bag and pulls out a pistol, aiming it at him]
Queen Victoria: I am hardly unprepared.
Father Angelo: Oh, I don't think so, woman.
Queen Victoria: The correct form of address is Your Majesty.
[the Doctor, Rose, and Queen Victoria are trying to escape through a window at the Torchwood Estate, where a werewolf is chasing them]
Sir Robert: Excuse my manners, ma'am, but I shall go first, the better to assist her majesty's egress.
Queen Victoria: A noble sentiment, my Sir Walter Raleigh.
The Doctor: Yeah, any chance you could hurry it up?
Rose Tyler: I want her to say
[she puts on an affected upper-classed accent]
Rose Tyler: 'we are not amused'. I bet you five quid I can make her say it.
The Doctor: Well, if I gambled on that, it'd be an abuse of my privileges of traveller in time.
Rose Tyler: ...Ten quid?
The Doctor: Done.
Sir Robert: I committed treason for you. But now my wife will remember me with honour!
Queen Victoria: By the power invested in me by the Church and the State, I dub thee
[she taps a sword on the Doctor's shoulders]
Queen Victoria: Sir Doctor of Tardis. By the power invested in me by the Church and the State, I dub thee
[she taps a sword on Rose's shoulders]
Queen Victoria: Dame Rose of the Powell Estate. You may stand.
[They both stand up]
The Doctor: Many thanks, Ma'am.
Rose Tyler: Thanks. They're never going to believe this back home.
The Doctor: Your Majesty, you said last night about receiving no message from the great beyond. I think your husband cut that diamond to save your life. He's protecting you even now, Ma'am, from beyond the grave.
Queen Victoria: Indeed. Then you may think on this also. That I am NOT amused.
Rose Tyler: [unable to suppress a smirk] Yes!
Queen Victoria: Not remotely
[Rose wipes the smirk of her face]
Queen Victoria: amused. And henceforth, I banish you.
The Doctor: [confused] I'm sorry?
Queen Victoria: [sternly] I have rewarded you, Sir Doctor, and now you are exiled from this empire, never to return.
[she takes a step towards them]
Queen Victoria: I don't know what you are, the two of you, or where you're from, but I know that you consort with stars and magic and think it fun. But your world is steeped in terror and blasphemy and death,
[she raises her voice]
Queen Victoria: and I will not allow it.
[she lowers her voice]
Queen Victoria: You will leave these shores and you will reflect, I hope, on how you came to stray so far from all that is good, and how much longer you may survive this terrible life.
[she sternly steps away from them and changes her voice to a passionate, commanding tone]
Queen Victoria: Now, leave my world, and never
[her voice falls]
Queen Victoria: return.