The Doctor: [taking Rose's mobile phone] Tell ya what... with a little bit of jiggery pokery...
Rose Tyler: Is that a technical term, jiggery pokery?
The Doctor: Yeah, I came first in jiggery pokery, what about you?
Rose Tyler: Nah, I failed hullabaloo.
Rose Tyler: That was five billion years ago. So... my mum's dead. Five billion years later, and my mum's dead.
The Doctor: Bundle of laughs, you are.
The Doctor: 10,000 years in the future. Step outside and it's the year 12005, the New Roman Empire.
Rose Tyler: You think you're so impressive.
The Doctor: I *am* so impressive!
Rose Tyler: You wish.
Computer: Shuttles five and six now docking. Guests are reminded that platform one forbids the use of weapons, teleportation and religion. Earth death is scheduled for 15:39, followed by drinks in the Manchester suite.
Cassandra: Moisturize me! Moisturize me!
Rose Tyler: Where are you from?
The Doctor: All over the place.
The Doctor: Oh, she's not my wife.
The Doctor: No.
The Doctor: Nope.
Rose Tyler: Whatever I am, it must be invisible - do you mind? Tell you what - you two go and pollenate - I'm gonna catch up with the family.
[points at Cassandra]
Rose Tyler: Quick word with Michael Jackson.
The Doctor: Don't start a fight.
[offers his arm to Jabe]
The Doctor: I'm all yours.
[she accepts his arm; both start to leave]
Rose Tyler: [to Doctor] And I want you home by midnight!
Cassandra: Oh, well, what do you know?
Rose Tyler: I was born on that planet. And so was my mum, and so was my dad. And that makes me officially the last human being in this room. 'Cause you're not human. You've had it all nipped and tucked and flattened till there's nothing left. Anything human got chucked in the bin. You're just skin, Cassandra. Lipstick and skin.
The Doctor: [after Jabe gives him a cutting of her grandfather] Thank you.
[gives it to Rose to hold; searching his pockets]
The Doctor: Yes, gifts. Um - I give you in return... air from my lungs.
[softly blows air towards her face]
Jabe: [breathing in] How... intimate.
The Doctor: There's more where that came from.
Jabe: I bet there is.
Jabe: This facility is purely automatic. It's the height of the upper class. Nothing can go wrong.
The Doctor: Unsinkable?
Jabe: If you like. The nautical metaphor is appropriate.
The Doctor: [to Jabe] You're telling me. I was on another ship once. They said that was unsinkable. I ended up clinging to an iceberg. It wasn't half cold.
The Doctor: So what you're saying is, if we get in trouble, there's no one to help us out?
Jabe: I'm afraid not.
The Doctor: Fantastic!
Jabe: I don't understand. In what way is that fantastic?
The Doctor: Anyone in there?
Rose Tyler: Let me out!
The Doctor: Oh well, it would be you!
The Doctor: The whole thing's jammed. I can't open the door. Stay there. Don't move!
Rose Tyler: Where am I gonna go - Ipswich?
The Doctor: You think it'll last forever, the people and cars and concrete. But it won't. One day it's all gone, even the sky. My planet's gone. It's dead. It burned like the Earth. It's rocks and dust before its time.
Rose Tyler: What happened?
The Doctor: There was a war, and we lost.
Rose Tyler: A war with who?
[the Doctor doesn't answer]
Rose Tyler: What about your people?
The Doctor: I'm a Time Lord. I'm the last of them. They're all gone. I'm the only survivor. I'm left travelling on my own because there's no-one else.
Rose Tyler: There's me.
Rose Tyler: Is that why we're here? - I mean, is that what you do? Jump in at the last minute and save the Earth?
The Doctor: I'm not saving it. Time's up.
Rose Tyler: But what about the people?
The Doctor: It's empty. They've all gone. No one left.
Rose Tyler: [silent; looks at the Earth] Just me then.
The Steward: Who the hell are you?
The Doctor: The Moxx of Balhoon!
Moxx of Balhoon: My felicitations upon this historical happenstance. I bring you the gift of bodily salivas.
[spits on Rose]
The Doctor: Thank you very much.
[laughing on the last word, though he tries not to]
Rose Tyler: [talking to Raffalo the plumber] I just sort of hitched a lift with this... man. Didn't even think about it... I don't even know who he is... he's a complete stranger...
Rose Tyler: They all speak English.
The Doctor: No you just hear English. Its the gift of the TARDIS - the telepathic field gets inside your brain - translates.
Rose Tyler: Its inside my brain?
The Doctor: Well, in a good way!
Cassandra: At Arms!
[attendants raise spray nozzles; both aim at the Doctor]
The Doctor: What are you gonna do - moisturize me?
Cassandra: [menacingly] With acid.
The Doctor: People have died, Cassandra. You murdered them.
Cassandra: It depends on your definition of 'people'. And that's enough of a technicality to keep your lawyers dizzy for centuries.
Rose Tyler: Your machine gets inside my head, it gets inside and it changes my mind and you didn't even ask?
The Doctor: I didn't think about it like that.
Rose Tyler: No, you were too busy thinking up cheap shots about the Deep South.
Cassandra: [as she is revealed as the mastermind behind the sabotage] I had hoped to manufacture a hostage situation, with myself as one of the victims. The compensation would have been enormous.
The Doctor: Five billion years and it still comes down to money.
Cassandra: Do you think it's cheap looking like this? Flatness costs a fortune.
Rose Tyler: [Cassandra is dying] Help her.
The Doctor: Everything has its time and everything dies.
The Doctor: [juddering impact] That's not supposed to happen.
The Doctor: There you go.
[gives Rose her mobile phone]
The Doctor: [the LCD moniter displays 'Mum'; Rose presses 'Call', and dials her mum. Jackie Tyler answers the phone]
Jackie Tyler: Hello?
Rose Tyler: Mum?
Jackie Tyler: [cuts to Jackie taking clothes out of the dryer] Oh, what is it? What's wrong? What have I done, now? Oh, this red top's falling to bits. You should get your money back. Go on! It must be something. You never phone in the middle of the day.
Jackie Tyler: What's so funny?
Rose Tyler: Nothing. You're alright though?
Jackie Tyler: Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?
Rose Tyler: What day is it?
Jackie Tyler: Wednsday, all day. You got a hangover? Oh, I tell you what. Put a quid in that Lottery syndicate. I'll pay you back later.
Rose Tyler: Yeah, um. I was just calling 'cause I might be late home.
Jackie Tyler: Is there something wrong?
Rose Tyler: No, I'm-I'm fine.
Rose Tyler: Top of the world.
Jackie Tyler: [Jackie hangs up]
The Doctor: Think that's amazing, you want to see the bill?
The Doctor: [as he and Rose view the Earth from Platform 1] You lot, you spend all your time thinking about dying, like you're gonna get killed by eggs, or beef, or global warming, or asteroids. But you never take time to imagine the impossible. Like maybe you survive. This is the year 5.5/apple/26, five billion years in your future, and this is the day... Hold on...
[He checks his watch, and through the window the sun suddenly flares]
The Doctor: This is the day the sun expands. Welcome to the end of the world.
The Doctor: You've seen how dangerous it is - do you wanna go home?
Rose Tyler: I dunno... I want... Oh, can you smell chips?
The Doctor: Yeah!
The Doctor: Yeah!
Rose Tyler: I want chips.
The Doctor: Me too!
Rose Tyler: Right then, before you get me back in that box - chips it is - and you can pay.
The Doctor: No money.
Rose Tyler: What sort of date are you? Come on then, tight wad, chips are on me... we've only got five billion years till the shops close!
[to a nodding Face of Boe]
Moxx of Balhoon: This is the Bad Wolf scenario.
Rose Tyler: [talking to the potted cutting of Jabe's grandfather] Hello. My name's Rose... that's a sort of plant. We might be related.
Rose Tyler: I'm talking to a twig.
Rose Tyler: They're just so alien. The aliens are so alien. You look at 'em, and they're alien.
The Doctor: Good thing I didn't take you to the deep south!
Rose Tyler: [about the Doctor's alien origins] Who are you then, Doctor? What you called? What sort of alien are you?
The Doctor: I'm just the Doctor.
Rose Tyler: From what planet?
The Doctor: Well, it's not as if you'd know where it is.
Rose Tyler: Where are you from?
The Doctor: What does it matter?
Rose Tyler: Tell me who you are!
The Doctor: This is who I am! Right here, right now! Alright? All that counts is here and now and this is me!
Rose Tyler: Yeah, and I'm here too 'cause you brought me here. So just tell me!
[Doctor stands and walks quickly to the window; clearly not wanting to say anything more]
Jabe: [as the Doctor scans a door entry keypad] What about your ancestry, Doctor? Perhaps you could tell a story or two. Perhaps a man only enjoys trouble when there's... nothing else left. I scanned you earlier. The metal machine had trouble identifying your species. Refused to admit your existence. And even when it named you, I couldn't believe it. But it was right. I know where you're from. Forgive me for intruding it's remarkable that you even exist. I just want to say... how sorry I am.
[she lays a hand on his arm. The Doctor, with tears in his eyes, looks at her and covers her hand with his]
The Steward: And last but not least, our very special guest... Ladies and gentlemen and trees and multiforms, consider the Earth below. In memory of this dying world, we call forth... the last human...
[Rose goes to step forward but the doors open and a piece of skin stretched on a frame, accompanied by two attendants, comes in]
The Steward: The Lady Cassandra O'Brien dot Delta 17.
Cassandra: Oh now, don't stare. I know. I know. It's shocking, isn't it? I've had my chin completely taken away. And look at the difference! Look how thin I am. Thin and dainty. I don't look a day over two thousand.
[to one of her attendants]
Cassandra: Moisturise me, moisturise me.
[the attendant sprays her]
Cassandra: Truly, I am the last human. My father was a Texan, my mother was from the Arctic desert. They were born on the Earth and they were the last to be buried in its soil. I have come to honour them and say goodbye.
The Doctor: [Jabe holds the fan control down so that the Doctor can safely get across to the sun shield's manual override button] You can't. The heat's going to vent through this place.
Jabe: I know.
The Doctor: Jabe, you're made of wood!
Jabe: Then stop wasting time, Time Lord.
Rose Tyler: So when it says guests, does that mean people?
The Doctor: Depends what you mean by people
Rose Tyler: I mean people. What do you mean?
The Doctor: Aliens.
Rose Tyler: What are they doing on board this spaceship? What's it all for?
The Doctor: It's not really a spaceship, more like an observation deck. The great and the good are gathering to watch the planet burn.
Rose Tyler: What for?
The Doctor: Fun. Mind you, when I say "the great and the good," what I mean is the rich.
Rose Tyler: [looking at the Earth] How long's it got?
The Doctor: About half an hour. Then the planet gets roasted.
Rose Tyler: [on the Steward, after Doctor explains the psychic paper] He's blue!
The Doctor: Yeah.
Rose Tyler: Okay.
The Steward: Well, what was it? I'm just getting green lights at this end!
Cassandra: Oh, no tears.
[sounds like she's crying; attendant dabs her eyes with tissue]
Cassandra: No tears... I'm sorry.
Cassandra: But behold, I bring gifts. From the Earth itself, the last remaining ostrich egg. Legend says it had a wingspan of fifty feet and blew fire from its nostrils. Or was that my third husband?
[starts to laugh]
Cassandra: Oh no. No, don't laugh. I'll get laughter lines.
Rose Tyler: How many operations have you had?
Cassandra: 708. Next week its 709 - I'm having my blood bleached. Is that why wanted a word? You could be flatter - you've got a little bit of a... chin... poking out.
Rose Tyler: I'd rather die.
Cassandra: Honestly it doesn't hurt!
Rose Tyler: No, I mean it. I would rather die. It's better to die than to live like you - a bitchy trampoline.
The Doctor: Fair do's though, that's a great bit of air conditioning - nice and old fashioned... bet they call it "retro".
The Doctor: [talking to metallic spider] Go on, Jimbo! Go home!
Cassandra: [to the Doctor] I bet you were the school swot who never got kissed.
Rose Tyler: [watches pieces of the destroyed Earth pass the window] The end of the earth. Its gone... we were too busy saving ourselves, no one saw it go. All those years, all that history and no one was even looking. It's just...
The Doctor: [holds his hand out to her] Come with me...
Rose Tyler: But hold on - they did this once on Newsround Extra - the sun expanding. That takes hundreds of years.
The Doctor: Millions! But the planet's now the property of the National Trust. They've been keeping it preserved. See down there? Gravity satellites holding back the sun.
Rose Tyler: The planet looks the same as ever! I thought the continents shifted and things.
The Doctor: They did, and the Trust shifted them back. That's a classic Earth. But now the money's run out, nature takes over.
The Doctor: So tell me, Jabe, what's a tree like you doing in a place like this?
Cassandra: [about a large vintage Wurlitzer jukebox which was wheeled in] And here, another rarity - according to the archives, this was called an iPod. It stores classical music from humanity's greatest composers - play on!
[a henchman presses a button on the jukebox, which starts playing Soft Cell's "Tainted Love"]
Cassandra: The planet's end! Come gather, come gather! Bid farewell to the cradle of civilization! Let us mourn her with a traditional ballad...
[jukebox selects "Toxic" by Britney Spears]
[only line, repeated]
The Adherents of the Repeated Meme: A gift of peace in all good faith.
The Steward: Who the hell are you?
The Doctor: Oh, that's nice. Thanks!
The Steward: But how did you get in?
The Steward: This is a maximum hospitality zone. The guests have disembarked.
[the Doctor reaches into his pocket]
The Steward: They're on their way. Any second now...
The Doctor: It's all right, that's me. I'm a guest. Look.
[opening his wallet]
The Doctor: I've got an invitation. Look.
[shows the Steward slip of paper inside]
The Doctor: There, you see? It's fine. You see?
[points to paper]
The Doctor: "The Doctor plus one." I'm the Doctor, this is Rose Tyler. She's my "plus one". Is that all right?
The Steward: Well... obviously.
The Steward: Apologies, et cetera. If you're on board, we'd better start. Enjoy.
[walks to his podium]
The Doctor: [waits till Steward is out of range; shows Rose the blank piece of paper in his wallet] The paper's slightly psychic. It shows them whatever I want them to see. Saves a lot of time.
The Ninth Doctor: Everything has its time and everything dies.