Film Announcer: The Pangea Department of the Navy presents an instructional film on naval hygiene: "Cankers Aweigh!" or "Down Periscope."
Captain in Film: Hey sailor! Going ashore?
Sailor in Film: Oh, you betcha, sir! I'm gonna hit one of the local dance halls. I hear the native girls do the hoochie-coochie something wild!
Captain in Film: Come about there, swabbie! Don't you know those waltzing Matildas can give you a mating dance related injury?
Sailor in Film: Nah, that would never happen to me. That would happen to the other guy!
Captain in Film: That's where you're wrong, sailor. Mating dance related injuries have reached epidemic proportions, and YOU could be next!
Sailor in Film: This is valuable information. Tell me more!
Captain in Film: Well we all know that the mating dance is most appropriate within the confines of a loving monogamous relationship, preferably marriage. But if you are going to dance with a stranger, always use protective footwear!
Sailor in Film: Oh, come on, Captain! I don't have to worry. Nothing's going to happen to me.
Captain in Film: That's what Ensign Doyle thought. Hey Doyle! C'mere! Show this fellow what a mating dance related injury looks like if left untreated!
TV Announcer: And now back to "Totally Ineffectual Dad".
Mother on "Totally Ineffectual Dad": [kid runs by on fire] Honey, I think something's wrong with Jimmy. He seems to be on fire. Shouldn't we talk to him?
Totally Ineffectual Dad: I don't know, honey. What if I say the wrong thing?
Mother on "Totally Ineffectual Dad": Oh dear. It looks like Jimmy tried to put out the fire himself by jumping in the river.
Totally Ineffectual Dad: See? It's best we don't interfere in these matters.
Mother on "Totally Ineffectual Dad": He doesn't know how to swim! YOU never taught him!
Totally Ineffectual Dad: Let him learn to swim the way I did... on the street.
TV Announcer: Tune in next week for the hilarious funeral episode on "Totally Ineffectual Dad!"