- Rob Petrie: I just don't see why a happily married woman has to keep a box full of strange love sonnets hidden down in her basement.
- Laura Petrie: They're not HIDDEN in the basement.
- Rob Petrie: They're not? I didn't see any shoebox down there.
- Laura Petrie: Well, you're just not very observant, that's all, 'cause they're... lying right there.
- Rob Petrie: Where?
- Laura Petrie: By the furnace.
- Rob Petrie: There's no shoebox by that furnace.
- Laura Petrie: Well, they're there. They're... right behind some loose bricks.
- Rob Petrie: Sally, what're you doin' tonight?
- Sally Rogers: Nothin', but I think I can get out of it.
- Sally Rogers: What's he look like?
- Rob Petrie: Oh, he's a cross between Gregory Peck and Stewart Granger.
- Sally Rogers: Hey, that ain't too bad. What's his name?
- Buddy Sorrell: Stewart Peck.
- Millie Helper: Listen, if these were MY love poems and they made my husband crazy jealous, I'd keep 'em. There's nothin' worse than a complacent husband.
- Buddy Sorrell: Come on, Mel, I'll drive you home.
- Mel Cooley: I brought my own car.
- Buddy Sorrell: Then drive ME home. I took a bus.
- Mel Cooley: [indicating his bald head] All right. No cracks about, uh...
- Buddy Sorrell: I... I never make remarks about anybody who's driving a car that contains my body.
- Mel Cooley: Can I make sure of that?
- Buddy Sorrell: Ask any bald-headed cab driver in New York.
- Joe Coogan: I've only been in love once and that was a long time ago. As a matter of fact, the girl's name was Laura.
- Laura Petrie: Rob, would it make you happy if I burned them? Is that what you want? You just say the word, dear, and I will burn them.
- Rob Petrie: Burn them.
- Laura Petrie: No, sir. Not if you're gonna take THAT attitude.
- Laura Petrie: Why did I only keep Joe Coogan's love sonnets and not Phillip Cabot's or Jim Darling's?
- Millie Helper: Did they wrote you sonnets too?
- Laura Petrie: No.
- Millie Helper: Well, maybe that's why.
- Laura Petrie: Well, what am I gonna do?
- Millie Helper: About what?
- Laura Petrie: About sonnets, Joe Coogan, my husband, my guilt?
- Millie Helper: Well, I'd say keep the sonnets, keep your husband, get rid of your guilt, and see Joe Coogan again.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, Mille, this is no joke.
- Millie Helper: Who's joking. It's the only way you're gonna get rid of your guilt, by seeing him again, then you'll find out all the reasons why you didn't find him as attractive as your husband.
- Laura Petrie: [fighting with Rob over the phone] And I object to your tone.
- Rob Petrie: You're gonna hear a dial tone in a minute 'cause I'm gonna hang up.
- Rob Petrie: [entering and seeing Joe] Well, how's the old duffer today?
- Joe Coogan: [turning around and smiling in recognition] Old duff...? Rob!
- Rob Petrie: [seeing Joe in his priest collar for the first time] Well. Why, I didn't mean... I didn't mean you're an old duffer, Foffer. Father! Father Duffer! I mean, Father Duffy.