Alan Brady: [Talking to his toupee stands] Fellas? There she is. There's the little lady who put you out of business.
Johnny Patrick: Petrie, Petrie... Is your husband in television?
Laura Petrie: Yes, he is.
Johnny Patrick: I thought that name was familiar. Ladies and gentlemen, this little lady happens to be married to one of the most talented men in our business.
Laura Petrie: Thank you. I think he is.
Johnny Patrick: The producer of that fantastic show "The World in Trouble" - Dave Petrie.
Laura Petrie: Oh, no.
Johnny Patrick: Oh, I'm sorry. He's not producing that show anymore.
Laura Petrie: No, he's not my husband.
Johnny Patrick: Oh, well, I didn't mean to let the cat out of the bag.
Laura Petrie: No, no, he never was.
Johnny Patrick: OH!
Johnny Patrick: Have you ever been to Alan Brady's house?
Laura Petrie: Oh, yes.
Johnny Patrick: Uh-huh. Does he wear his toupee at home?
Laura Petrie: Oh, golly, yes. He wears it all the time.
Johnny Patrick: You mean that Alan Brady is really BALD?
Laura Petrie: Rob's home. Listen, Millie, would you stay with me?
Millie Helper: I wish you hadn't asked me that.
Laura Petrie: Why?
Millie Helper: 'Cause you're not gonna like my answer: Goodbye and good luck.
Laura Petrie: Aw, Millie...
Rob Petrie: Wait a minute. You're mad at me for not telling you a secret right in the middle of an argument where I'm mad at you for tellin' a secret.
Laura Petrie: I'm not sure.
Rob Petrie: Has any man ever lost his job because of his wife?
Buddy Sorrell: What was the name of Marie Antoinette's husband, the guy with no head?
Sally Rogers: She's here.
Rob Petrie: Where?
Sally Rogers: I don't know where, but I saw her get into the elevator.
Rob Petrie: The elevator?
Sally Rogers: Yeah, that little room in the lobby that goes up and down.
Laura Petrie: Well, I remember telling Rob, and I told him to tell you - d... did he ever tell you? - because I told him to tell you how very nice and natural and warm you look that way.
Alan Brady: Sure, like a father figure, right?
Laura Petrie: Oh, no! No, Alan, just the opposite.
Alan Brady: A bald mother figure?
Alan Brady: [presenting all his various toupees] What we... what... what do you say... what do you suggest I do with all of these now, huh?
Laura Petrie: Well, there must be some... needy bald people.
Alan Brady: NEEDY BALD PEOPLE!
Rob Petrie: Uh, Alan, whatever you were gonna say to Laura, I would rather you said to me.
Alan Brady: Okay, Rob. If that's the way you want it: Rob, you're a beautiful girl.
Laura Petrie: [relieved now that all turned out well] Maybe I ought to go on television and tell 'em about your nose.
Alan Brady: [to Rob, alarmed about a second secret getting out] You told her about my nose?
Laura Petrie: Nothing. I know n... Ask Rob. I've always said I liked you without your nose. No!
Rob Petrie: She loves it.
Alan Brady: Did you tell her about my capped teeth?
Laura Petrie: Mm-mm.
Rob Petrie: You've got capped teeth?
Alan Brady: NO!
[Millie and Laura can't decide on how to divide the prizes won on Pay As You Go!, so Rob steps in]
Rob Petrie: There are four prizes, right, Millie? You pick a number between one and ten.
Millie Helper: Ooo, uh, nine.
Rob Petrie: All right. Laura?
Laura Petrie: Three.
Rob Petrie: Three, all right. Uh, what's your favorite tree?
Millie Helper: Weeping willow.
Rob Petrie: Weeping willow.
Laura Petrie: The mighty oak.
Rob Petrie: All right, your favorite planet.
Laura Petrie: Earth.
Millie Helper: She took my planet.
Laura Petrie: Oh, Millie!
Millie Helper: Okay, give me Pluto.
Rob Petrie: Okay. Now that makes you a nine-willow-pluto, and that makes you a ten-oak-earth, so that means, Millie, that you get the dryer - right? - and the vacuum, and Laura gets rotisserie and a projector. That's it.
Millie Helper: Wonderful.
Laura Petrie: Rob, how did you arrive at that?
Rob Petrie: Well, what's the difference? We did it.
[Rob exits smiling slyly to himself, leaving Millie and Laura confounded]