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"The Dick Van Dyke Show" Coast to Coast Big Mouth (TV Episode 1965) Poster

Quotes

Alan Brady: [Talking to his toupee stands] Fellas? There she is. There's the little lady who put you out of business.

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Alan Brady: Shut up, Mel.

Mel Cooley: Yes, sir.

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Rob Petrie: What is long and yellow and seldom rings?

Buddy Sorrell: An unlisted banana.

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Johnny Patrick: Petrie, Petrie... Is your husband in television?

Laura Petrie: Yes, he is.

Johnny Patrick: I thought that name was familiar. Ladies and gentlemen, this little lady happens to be married to one of the most talented men in our business.

Laura Petrie: Thank you. I think he is.

Johnny Patrick: The producer of that fantastic show "The World in Trouble" - Dave Petrie.

Laura Petrie: Oh, no.

Johnny Patrick: Oh, I'm sorry. He's not producing that show anymore.

Laura Petrie: No, he's not my husband.

Johnny Patrick: Oh, well, I didn't mean to let the cat out of the bag.

Laura Petrie: No, no, he never was.

Johnny Patrick: OH!

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Johnny Patrick: Have you ever been to Alan Brady's house?

Laura Petrie: Oh, yes.

Johnny Patrick: Uh-huh. Does he wear his toupee at home?

Laura Petrie: Oh, golly, yes. He wears it all the time.

Johnny Patrick: You mean that Alan Brady is really BALD?

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Laura Petrie: Rob's home. Listen, Millie, would you stay with me?

Millie Helper: I wish you hadn't asked me that.

Laura Petrie: Why?

Millie Helper: 'Cause you're not gonna like my answer: Goodbye and good luck.

Laura Petrie: Aw, Millie...

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Laura Petrie: I didn't know Alan had a nose job.

Rob Petrie: No, up till now it was a secret.

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Rob Petrie: Wait a minute. You're mad at me for not telling you a secret right in the middle of an argument where I'm mad at you for tellin' a secret.

Laura Petrie: I'm not sure.

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Rob Petrie: Has any man ever lost his job because of his wife?

Buddy Sorrell: What was the name of Marie Antoinette's husband, the guy with no head?

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Sally Rogers: She's here.

Rob Petrie: Where?

Sally Rogers: I don't know where, but I saw her get into the elevator.

Rob Petrie: The elevator?

Sally Rogers: Yeah, that little room in the lobby that goes up and down.

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Laura Petrie: Well, I remember telling Rob, and I told him to tell you - d... did he ever tell you? - because I told him to tell you how very nice and natural and warm you look that way.

Alan Brady: Sure, like a father figure, right?

Laura Petrie: Oh, no! No, Alan, just the opposite.

Alan Brady: A bald mother figure?

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Alan Brady: [presenting all his various toupees] What we... what... what do you say... what do you suggest I do with all of these now, huh?

Laura Petrie: Well, there must be some... needy bald people.

Alan Brady: NEEDY BALD PEOPLE!

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Rob Petrie: Uh, Alan, whatever you were gonna say to Laura, I would rather you said to me.

Alan Brady: Okay, Rob. If that's the way you want it: Rob, you're a beautiful girl.

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Laura Petrie: [relieved now that all turned out well] Maybe I ought to go on television and tell 'em about your nose.

Alan Brady: [to Rob, alarmed about a second secret getting out] You told her about my nose?

Laura Petrie: Nothing. I know n... Ask Rob. I've always said I liked you without your nose. No!

Rob Petrie: She loves it.

Alan Brady: Did you tell her about my capped teeth?

Laura Petrie: Mm-mm.

Rob Petrie: You've got capped teeth?

Alan Brady: NO!

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[Millie and Laura can't decide on how to divide the prizes won on Pay As You Go!, so Rob steps in]

Rob Petrie: There are four prizes, right, Millie? You pick a number between one and ten.

Millie Helper: Ooo, uh, nine.

Rob Petrie: All right. Laura?

Laura Petrie: Three.

Rob Petrie: Three, all right. Uh, what's your favorite tree?

Millie Helper: Weeping willow.

Rob Petrie: Weeping willow.

Laura Petrie: The mighty oak.

Rob Petrie: All right, your favorite planet.

Laura Petrie: Earth.

Millie Helper: She took my planet.

Laura Petrie: Oh, Millie!

Millie Helper: Okay, give me Pluto.

Rob Petrie: Okay. Now that makes you a nine-willow-pluto, and that makes you a ten-oak-earth, so that means, Millie, that you get the dryer - right? - and the vacuum, and Laura gets rotisserie and a projector. That's it.

Millie Helper: Wonderful.

Laura Petrie: Rob, how did you arrive at that?

Rob Petrie: Well, what's the difference? We did it.

[Rob exits smiling slyly to himself, leaving Millie and Laura confounded]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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