Harrison Destry: [narrating] The poet says "Love makes the world go 'round." That may not technically be accurate, but love makes the world a more interesting place while its spinning. Now, love's a lot of things: flowers, sweet music, and soft lights and champagne. Champagne is the drink of lovers; only problem is champagne is tricky. You never know how it's going to affect ya. Like my friend Pete Daley - when he drank champagne, well, he forgot things. And when he forgot things, it caused trouble... and trouble is something that flat follows me around.
Pete Daley: Destry, you gotta protect me.
Harrison Destry: From what?
Pete Daley: Will ya?
Harrison Destry: Well now, Pete, if I were in your place, I'm not the exactly the kind of fella I'd want protectin' me.
Pete Daley: Don't forget, Destry, we've been friends for years.
Harrison Destry: All right, Pete, all right - but protect you from what?
Harrison Destry: From J.P. Crane.
Harrison Destry: What's dangerous about him?
Pete Daley: She's a girl. She wants to marry me.
Harrison Destry: Well, just tell her, "No thanks."
Pete Daley: But I got another dreadful problem.
Harrison Destry: What's that, Pete?
Pete Daley: I love her.
[Destry is confronted by a man whom his father put in prison]
Al: Your pa was a mighty tough lawman.
Harrison Destry: Well, actually, I kinda take after my mother.
Harrison Destry: Stop shootin'! You fellas are interruptin' a weddin'!
Al: He ain't gonna cheat us!
Joe: A deal's a deal!
Al: If he gets married, he owes us four halves of a hundred dollar bill!
Harrison Destry: You fellas tellin' the truth?
Al: We got the torn-in-half bills to prove it.
Pete Daley: You couldn't or I'd have the other halves!
Harrison Destry: I got it, Pete. Remember that night you couldn't remember? You probably snuck out on me and did somethin' stupid.
[to the four ex-convicts]
Harrison Destry: See if your bills match up! I bet Pete tore up two one-hundred dollar bills and split 'em among ya.
Pete Daley: Destry, I wouldn't do anything that dumb.
Harrison Destry: You're gettin' married aren't ya?