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"The Critic" The Pilot (TV Episode 1994) Poster

(TV Series)

(1994)

Quotes

Jay Sherman: Welcome to "Coming Attractions." Tonight we'll be reviewing "Family Affair: The Motion Picture." Just look who got eight million dollars to play Mr. French.

Marlon Brando: Buffy, Jody, for your lunch I have made peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

Buffy: Would you make a sandwich for my doll, Mrs. Beazley?

Marlon Brando: Yeah, sure. That's exactly what I feel like doing. Of course I can get together a little sandwich for your stupid little doll. Hang on a second.

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Jeremy: Bubbie, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image Awards... two things I've learned from experience.

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[first lines of the series]

Jay Sherman: [answering the phone] Hello?

Eleanor Sherman: Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will. We feel you already have enough money. Oh, yes, and happy birthday.

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Duke Phillips: Why the hell do you have to be so critical?

Jay Sherman: I'm a critic!

Duke Phillips: No, your job is to rate movies on a scale from "good" to excellent."

Jay Sherman: What if I don't like them?

Duke Phillips: That's what "good"'s for.

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[Doris is spraying on Jay's "hair" from a can]

Jay Sherman: Aah! This new stuff feels great! Where did you get it?

Doris Grossman: Some kids were painting "King Dork" on your car with it.

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Parking Lot Attendant: Hey mister, why does your car say "King Dork?"

Jay Sherman: Uh, I bought it from King Dorkenheiser of Finland.

Parking Lot Attendant: I thought Finland was a constitutional democracy.

Jay Sherman: Just park the car!

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Jay Sherman: I always have to look my sexiest. That's why I'm wearing these tight size 42 pants...

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Jay Sherman: Take your genitalia right back to Australia!

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Jeremy: Jay, we have a saying in Australia... well, it's not really a saying, it's a drinking song. It's about a bottle of beer and the men who loved her... and it doesn't really apply here, but my advice to you is: slow down.

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Jay Sherman: Please you've got to tell me, did a beautiful woman leave my apartment?

Doorman: I wouldn't know, I've been drinking in the alley all morning.

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Movie Villain: [a scene from "Rabbi P.I."] All right, if you're really a Rabbi, circumcise this child.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: [throws the scalpel at the father, hitting him square in the heart and killing him] Hava nagila, baby!

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[a scene from Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Rabbi P.I."]

[a bum comes up to Arnold and pulls out a gun]

Bum: Eat lead, rabbi!

[Arnold pulls out a shotgun and shoots him]

Arnold: Sorry, that's not kosher!

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Eleanor: Can't one dinner go by where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?

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Franklin: Oh son, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times... who are all you people?

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Jay Sherman: Why are you telling me this?

Jeremy: Because you're the only decent guy I've met in this dreadful country. I love you, mate.

Jay Sherman: Wow, that's twice in one day!

Vlada Villamiravitch: I love you too!

Jay Sherman: You just love my money.

Vlada Villamiravitch: That is true, but it is a love that will never die.

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Reporter: Mr. Phillips, you're fabulously wealthy, you're a world class athlete, you were great in bed last night! How does that feel?

Duke Phillips: I have no one to envy. I envy you having me to envy.

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Duke Phillips: Look, this isn't art. It's just mindless pabulum for losers who can barely read. Oh, that reminds me, I've got an interview with People Magazine.

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Jay Sherman: Oh, my shrink was right! God does hate me!

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Jay Sherman: On the Shermometer this film rates an absolute zero! BRRR!

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Jay Sherman: I'm sitting on top of a volcano of rage and I've got nowhere to direct it.

Marty Sherman: [picks up a note] There's a critic's screening of the new Sylvester Stallone movie tonight...

Jay Sherman: What's it about?

Marty Sherman: Lets see. He plays a concert pianist who...

Jay Sherman: [jumping up] To the multiplex!

Marty Sherman: Yeah!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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