Jay Sherman: Welcome to "Coming Attractions." Tonight we'll be reviewing "Family Affair: The Motion Picture." Just look who got eight million dollars to play Mr. French.
Marlon Brando: Buffy, Jody, for your lunch I have made peanut butter and banana sandwiches.
Buffy: Would you make a sandwich for my doll, Mrs. Beazley?
Marlon Brando: Yeah, sure. That's exactly what I feel like doing. Of course I can get together a little sandwich for your stupid little doll. Hang on a second.
Jeremy: Bubbie, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image Awards... two things I've learned from experience.
[first lines of the series]
Jay Sherman: [answering the phone] Hello?
Eleanor Sherman: Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will. We feel you already have enough money. Oh, yes, and happy birthday.
Duke Phillips: Why the hell do you have to be so critical?
Jay Sherman: I'm a critic!
Duke Phillips: No, your job is to rate movies on a scale from "good" to excellent."
Jay Sherman: What if I don't like them?
Duke Phillips: That's what "good"'s for.
[Doris is spraying on Jay's "hair" from a can]
Jay Sherman: Aah! This new stuff feels great! Where did you get it?
Doris Grossman: Some kids were painting "King Dork" on your car with it.
Parking Lot Attendant: Hey mister, why does your car say "King Dork?"
Jay Sherman: Uh, I bought it from King Dorkenheiser of Finland.
Parking Lot Attendant: I thought Finland was a constitutional democracy.
Jay Sherman: Just park the car!
Jay Sherman: I always have to look my sexiest. That's why I'm wearing these tight size 42 pants...
Jeremy: Jay, we have a saying in Australia... well, it's not really a saying, it's a drinking song. It's about a bottle of beer and the men who loved her... and it doesn't really apply here, but my advice to you is: slow down.
Jay Sherman: Please you've got to tell me, did a beautiful woman leave my apartment?
Doorman: I wouldn't know, I've been drinking in the alley all morning.
Movie Villain: [a scene from "Rabbi P.I."] All right, if you're really a Rabbi, circumcise this child.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: [throws the scalpel at the father, hitting him square in the heart and killing him] Hava nagila, baby!
[a scene from Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Rabbi P.I."]
[a bum comes up to Arnold and pulls out a gun]
Bum: Eat lead, rabbi!
[Arnold pulls out a shotgun and shoots him]
Arnold: Sorry, that's not kosher!
Eleanor: Can't one dinner go by where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?
Franklin: Oh son, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times... who are all you people?
Jay Sherman: Why are you telling me this?
Jeremy: Because you're the only decent guy I've met in this dreadful country. I love you, mate.
Jay Sherman: Wow, that's twice in one day!
Vlada Villamiravitch: I love you too!
Jay Sherman: You just love my money.
Vlada Villamiravitch: That is true, but it is a love that will never die.
Reporter: Mr. Phillips, you're fabulously wealthy, you're a world class athlete, you were great in bed last night! How does that feel?
Duke Phillips: I have no one to envy. I envy you having me to envy.
Duke Phillips: Look, this isn't art. It's just mindless pabulum for losers who can barely read. Oh, that reminds me, I've got an interview with People Magazine.
Jay Sherman: On the Shermometer this film rates an absolute zero! BRRR!
Jay Sherman: I'm sitting on top of a volcano of rage and I've got nowhere to direct it.
Marty Sherman: [picks up a note] There's a critic's screening of the new Sylvester Stallone movie tonight...
Jay Sherman: What's it about?
Marty Sherman: Lets see. He plays a concert pianist who...
Jay Sherman: [jumping up] To the multiplex!
Marty Sherman: Yeah!