[Jay plays his answering machine]
Gene Siskel: [on machine] Hey, Jay! It's Gene Siskel. I've decided I'd like YOU to be my partner. Let me know if you're game so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.
Roger Ebert: [on machine] Jay, it's Roger Ebert. How'd you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.
Rex Reed: [on machine] Jay, it's Rex Reed. I don't care if you got the job. I've got a NEW partner.
[a monkey screeches on the tape]
Rex Reed: [on machine, proudly] That's right, Pauline Kael!
[Jay is trying out to be Siskel's new partner]
Gene Siskel: Ok, let's try a take. Wait, something's wrong. You don't look right. Try on this wig.
[Puts a gray wig on Jay]
Jay Sherman: What?
Gene Siskel: Now, the glasses.
[Puts a pair of glasses on Jay]
Jay Sherman: You're making me look like Roger.
Gene Siskel: Just do what I say!
Jay Sherman: Dammit, Gene! I'm not Roger! I'm never gonna be Roger! I wish I were!
[Runs off sobbing]
Roger Ebert: [Showing Jay a photo album] Here's Gene and me on Splash Mountain. Here we are winning the three-legged-race. And here's the Halloween we went as Ernie and Bert.
Jay Sherman: Shouldn't we get to work?
Roger Ebert: Sure, Gene. Anything you say.
Jay Sherman: You called me Gene.
Roger Ebert: I'm sorry, Gene. I'll never do it again... Gene.
Jay Sherman: My name is Jay, and I need some air!
[Runs off sobbing]
Jay Sherman: I'm not Gene!
Jay Sherman: [Rips the foil of an Oscar, revealing chocolate] Now I want one more than ever!
Film Critics: [Film Critics' Musical Number] We saw Tom Cruise sucking blood, Meg Ryan hit the booze.
[after Jay organizes Siskel and Ebert's reconciliation and the lights in the building opposite the Empire State Building illuminate into the shape of a pink heart]
Roger Ebert: Oh, this is just a rip-off of Sleepless in Seattle.
Gene Siskel: Which was in itself a rip-off of An Affair to Remember.
Gene Siskel: [singing] The Moonlight on his hair.
Roger Ebert: [singing] The Twinkle in his eye.
Gene Siskel: [singing] The Way he said 'Thumbs Up'.
Roger Ebert: [singing] The Way he said 'Thumbs Down'.
Gene Siskel: Well, I thought that film was very poignant. Particularly the scene where Tom Cruise walks around Las Vegas with a bucket full of his brother.
Roger Ebert: Aw, c'mon, Gene. That was just another pointless sequel that didn't have to be made.
Gene Siskel: This, from the man who liked 'Benji the Hunted?'
Roger Ebert: Hey, you liked 'Carnosaur!'
Gene Siskel: Well I'll bet you'll like this!
[punches are thrown, Siskel grabs a bottle, smashes it in half and points it at Ebert]
Gene Siskel: Hasta la vista, Porky!
Roger Ebert: Cue ball in the side pocket!
[Satan is disguised as a man during an interview with Gene Siskel]
Satin: Tim Allen gives that same likeable performance we always love, once again proving Disney pictures have the magic touch that may not win awards but keep America smiling. How was that?
Gene Siskel: You're Satan, aren't you?
Satin: [transforms back into himself] You've win another round, Siskel! But we shall meet again!
Arnold: I am Frau Doubtfire.
Maria: No, you're not. You're my husband in a dress.
Arnold: I am so a woman. Look at my fake bosoms, they are really grenades
Arnold: They'll be back.