- Jay Sherman: [telling his story to children] Things never looked worse. There I was - with my head stuck in a honey pot.
- Alice Tompkins: I thought you were stuck in an Iraqi prison?
- Jay Sherman: Eh, hah! Yes, of course, how could a grown man get his head stuck in a honey pot?
- [overturns a picture of him with his head trapped in a honneypot just like Winnie the Pooh]
- [a captive in Iraq, Jay is being forced to recite propaganda on Iraqi TV]
- Captain Raheem: You will speak the blasphemous and self-denigrating dialogue that has been written for you!
- Jay Sherman: Like I'm not used to that.
- Captain Raheem: [handing him a paper] Read this!
- Jay Sherman: There's going to be a really bitching kegger tonight at Captain Raheem's tent!
- Captain Raheem: That's mine. Read this!
- Jay Sherman: Dear Urkel: you are so funny. Can you come to my birthday party? Your friend, Captain Raheem.
- Captain Raheem: Give me that!
- Jay Sherman: Single Arabic captain wishes to meet non-Kurdish woman. I like puppies, Kenny G, and walks on the beach. Whoo-hoo! Kenny G.
- [Captain Raheem grabs Jay by the throat, shouting in Arabic]
- Eleanor Sherman: What's going to happen to our darling little boy?
- Franklin Sherman: Don't worry, my darling. I have friends in high places who'll take care of everything.
- [Franklin is in the Oval Office and is greeted by President Bush]
- President Bush: Franklin, great to see you. Been years.
- Franklin Sherman: Mr. President, my son is being held hostage in Iraq, and I need you to save him. Now, I've given money to the Republicans for years and never asked for anything in return.
- President Bush: You asked to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies!
- Franklin Sherman: I didn't ask to be Secretary of Balloon Doggies. The balloon doggies demanded it!
- Police Chief: [in "Beverly Hills Robo K9 Cop and a Half 2" movie] All right, Callaghan, I got some new partners for you: a woman, a cute little kid, an ugly old dog, a dinosaur, and a leprechaun.
- Leprechaun: I'll be your lucky charm!
- [Leprechaun explodes]