William Shatner: Hello-I'm-William-Shatner-and-this-is-"Celebrity 911." Tonight-we-devote-the-entire-hour-to-police-calls-involving-James-Caan...
William Shatner: CAAN!
Jay Sherman: [to son on phone] And remember, you don't have to listen to your stomach.
Jay's Stomach: What was that hogwash you were feedin' the boy?
Jay Sherman: Nothing, Master, I, I said nothing.
Jay's Stomach: Very well. Now dance for me!
[dances to Arabian tune]
Fat Camp Counselor: [disappointed] You've lost two pounds.
Jay Sherman: Yes! Back to my college weight!
[in "Speed Reading" movie]
Dennis Hopper: All right, hotshot! You think you're so smart? Let's see you read this book!
Keanu Reeves: Bogus!
Dennis Hopper: If you read under fifty words a minute, this book explodes! Ready? Begin!
Keanu Reeves: One... f-f-fish. "Twoah"... oh, no, TWO... f-f-f... oh, FISH! Red... f-f-f...
Dennis Hopper: It's 'fish,' you idiot! FISH!
Keanu Reeves: Dude, now I lost my place!
[book explodes and destroys building]
Jean-Paul LePope: In my next film, Joe Piscopo and I play Siamese twins joined at the tongues. It's called
Jean-Paul LePope: "Part 2".