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Quotes

Franklin Sherman: Why, hello, judge. Didn't I appoint you?

Judge: No, you appointed Mr. Potato Head, but the voters recalled him.

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Judge: Don't answer the question!

Duke Phillips: Dammit, I'm going to answer the question! Yes, I sold the mustard gas to Gaddafi!

Prosecutor: Sir, this is the Jay Sherman trial.

Duke Phillips: I... Mean... oh, mustard... gives me gas, as does taffy.

Judge: I have the same trouble with fresh fruit.

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Jay Sherman: So... Ardeth... How's my favorite ex-wife?

Ardeth: The judge says every time you speak to me it'll cost you a hundred dollars.

Jay Sherman: Here's TWO hundred. Get bent!

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Jay Sherman: Musicians don't have to be handsome, and do they get beautiful women? Let me say just two words to you: Lyle Lovett.

Marty Sherman: I thought he was handsome.

Jay Sherman: No, you're thinking of Jon Lovitz, and I agree. With his sephardic good looks, he takes the cake.

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[Duke has just revamped Jay's show in an attempt to raise ratings, with Jay acting as a ventriloquist's dummy]

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Welcome to "Coming Attractions." I'm Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and this is Little Knothead.

Jay Sherman: This is so demeaning. I have a PhD in film!

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Okay, Dr. Knothead, why don't you sing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" while I drink a glass of water.

Jay Sherman: [singing] John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt / That's my name too! I spit in the water.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: [spits water] Knothead!

Franklin Sherman: [the Shermans are watching] Didn't we used to have a Knothead doll?

Eleanor Sherman: That was our son!

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Duke Phillips: [shouting from office window] Hey, idiot, you're fired!

Reporter: I'm off like a prom dress!

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Duke Phillips: Jay, your butt saved my butt. And I hope that's the only interaction they'll ever have.

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Jay Sherman: Mom, Dad, I never made you laugh?

Franklin: Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.

Eleanor: No, Franklin, that was the Roadrunner.

Jay Sherman: No, that was me.

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[Jay gets struck in the head with a shotput]

Jay Sherman: Skull cracked... Brains leaking out... Can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie...

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[on phone]

Al Pacino: HOO-HAH! Jay, it's Al Pacino. HOO-HAH! I can't stop saying HOO-HAH! Keep that in mind when you review my next film, The Godfather Part HOO-HAH!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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