Franklin Sherman: Why, hello, judge. Didn't I appoint you?
Judge: No, you appointed Mr. Potato Head, but the voters recalled him.
Judge: Don't answer the question!
Duke Phillips: Dammit, I'm going to answer the question! Yes, I sold the mustard gas to Gaddafi!
Prosecutor: Sir, this is the Jay Sherman trial.
Duke Phillips: I... Mean... oh, mustard... gives me gas, as does taffy.
Judge: I have the same trouble with fresh fruit.
Jay Sherman: So... Ardeth... How's my favorite ex-wife?
Ardeth: The judge says every time you speak to me it'll cost you a hundred dollars.
Jay Sherman: Here's TWO hundred. Get bent!
Jay Sherman: Musicians don't have to be handsome, and do they get beautiful women? Let me say just two words to you: Lyle Lovett.
Marty Sherman: I thought he was handsome.
Jay Sherman: No, you're thinking of Jon Lovitz, and I agree. With his sephardic good looks, he takes the cake.
[Duke has just revamped Jay's show in an attempt to raise ratings, with Jay acting as a ventriloquist's dummy]
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Welcome to "Coming Attractions." I'm Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and this is Little Knothead.
Jay Sherman: This is so demeaning. I have a PhD in film!
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Okay, Dr. Knothead, why don't you sing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" while I drink a glass of water.
Jay Sherman: [singing] John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt / That's my name too! I spit in the water.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: [spits water] Knothead!
Franklin Sherman: [the Shermans are watching] Didn't we used to have a Knothead doll?
Eleanor Sherman: That was our son!
Duke Phillips: [shouting from office window] Hey, idiot, you're fired!
Reporter: I'm off like a prom dress!
Duke Phillips: Jay, your butt saved my butt. And I hope that's the only interaction they'll ever have.
Jay Sherman: Mom, Dad, I never made you laugh?
Franklin: Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.
Eleanor: No, Franklin, that was the Roadrunner.
Jay Sherman: No, that was me.
[Jay gets struck in the head with a shotput]
Jay Sherman: Skull cracked... Brains leaking out... Can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie...
Al Pacino: HOO-HAH! Jay, it's Al Pacino. HOO-HAH! I can't stop saying HOO-HAH! Keep that in mind when you review my next film, The Godfather Part HOO-HAH!