- Brent LeRoy: Dad look, you're gonna be around for a long time.
- Oscar Leroy: How can you be so sure?
- Brent LeRoy: Because, I've angered the Karma Gods, and you're my punishment.
- Emma Leroy: You're going to the doctor.
- Oscar Leroy: Over my dead body!
- Emma Leroy: That'd speed things up.
- Karen Pelly: Sir, do you know how fast you were going back there?
- Stephen: Uh... ninety seven?
- Karen Pelly: That's a relief, radar gun's workin'. Thanks for your co-operation.
- [Lacey's ex-fiancé is in town and Hank is trying to scare him away]
- Hank Yarbo: I know what will scare off Kolchak. We'll pretend there's a lottery and the loser gets stoned to death.
- Wanda Dollard: I can't believe you read that story.
- Hank Yarbo: What story?
- Davis: [referring to their Billy clubs] Meet my friend Billy.
- Karen Pelly: And this is my friend Jennifer!
- Davis: Proper billy-club use Karen, that's the secret. I find it helps if you give your billy-club a name. You know what I call mine?
- Karen Pelly: Billy?
- Davis: Anyways, a billy-club is a cop's best friend.
- Karen Pelly: I thought you said a gun was a cop's best friend.
- Davis: Well, a gun is more like a cop's lover. There's some things you tell your gun that you'd never tell a lover. And sometimes your lover and your best friend don't get along. Or maybe you go out with one and the other gets mad at you 'cause you didn't go out with it!
- Karen Pelly: You're divorced right?
- Oscar Leroy: A guy my age goes to the doctor and everyone's gonna assume he's going to get one of those little blue pills. Everyone in town will be talking about how I can't...
- Brent LeRoy: Dad!
- Emma Leroy: What's he talking about?
- Brent LeRoy: Viagra.
- Emma Leroy: Oh, for Pete's sake... well if you're going there anyway, you may as well ask.
- Brent LeRoy: Ah, Mom!
- Hank Yarbo: [while posing as Lacey's boyfriend] Lacey, honey, how are you?
- [he kisses her, she shoves him away]
- Hank Yarbo: Do you want to introduce me?
- Lacey Burrows: Yeah, to toothpaste.
- Hank Yarbo: [laughs] So this is your ex-fiancé, the one that let you get away?
- Lacey Burrows: This is Hank and, er, he's posing as my boyfriend, because... well... he's an idiot.