Clueless (TV Series)

Do We with Bad Haircuts Not Feel? (1996)

Rachel Blanchard: Cher Horowitz

Photos 

Quotes 

• Cher Horowitz : [voiceover, as she sits in class nestling with boyfriend]  Speaking of comfort and well-being, look at my new boyfriend. He is beyond Baldwin, I mean, we're pushing the Keanu envelope here. On top of the babe factor, Devon's dad runs a record company, so my friends and I are seeing all the new groups.

  Miss Geist : Dionne, what does Red Menace mean to you?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Oh, well, usually around Christmas time, all the designers make everything in red when remarkably few people look acceptable in it.

  Miss Geist : I'm talking about the Red Menace of the 1950s.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Miss Geist, that was way before my time.

• Amber Mariens : [sarcastically, so that Harrison can hear]  Bummest! More homework on my tennis lesson night!

  Cher Horowitz : Take a Midol, Amber.

• Amber Mariens : I love Stella Tennant's bangs-in-the-eyes do.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : I wish I could get my hair to stay in my eyes.

  Amber Mariens : I think, for the Tropical Fiesta, I'm gonna dye my hair that new red like Linda Evangelista has.

  Cher Horowitz : I'm considering the Nadja shade.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : I'm just gonna do a simple Yasmin.

  Cher Horowitz : Oh, that will look so pretty on you.

  Amber Mariens : Good choice.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : I know.

  Murray : Okay, time out. Who is Linda, Yasmin and Nadja?

  [counting them off on his fingers] 

  Sean Holiday : Yeah, and how do you know all these people, and we never met them?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : D-uh! We don't know them, they're supermodels.

  Murray : [imitates Superman fanfare]  Supermodels! Hey, Sean, I wonder if you could kill a supermodel with Kryptonite?

  [they burst out laughing] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [not amused]  Hello! Def Jam over yet?

• Amber Mariens : Shall I go for my Versace?

  Cher Horowitz : Are you forgetting the striped Tobago of the Spring Dance?

  Amber Mariens : Oh...

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : You know, I could wear my Alaia, but what if I wanna dance?

  Amber Mariens : Or sit?

  Cher Horowitz : Or breathe?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Mm.

  Cher Horowitz : Oh, my God, my Vivienne Westwood, I mean, it's seasons and seasons old, but I've never worn it.

  [leads them to her wardrobe] 

  Cher Horowitz : Oh, it's perfect for a fiesta. It's green, it's got these little thatched huts details,

  [sighs] 

  Cher Horowitz : makes me feel very tropical.

  [stands in front of her extensive closet, sliding array of designer dresses past on the coasting frame] 

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : With the new pastel nails, and a pair of vintage sling-backs, oh, I just love mixing decades.

  Amber Mariens : [gasps as Cher shows them the outfit]  This dress is perfect for you!

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : It's so tropical.

  Amber Mariens : But you must change your hair. This dress is screaming chunky layers.

  Cher Horowitz : I... I don't know... A haircut?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Oh, Cher, it's been multiple eons since you've reinvented yourself.

  Amber Mariens : Has Madonna taught us nothing?

• Cher Horowitz : [on cellphone]  Veronica Webb? Oh, how nice of you to call back.

  Veronica Webb : [being groomed for day's shoot]  No problem. I understand you need a haircut. It's a life or death situation. You have to have Ka-Feen do your hair. Since he cut my hair, I've been on ABC, BBC, VH1, MTV, virtually all the initials. I'm telling you, hair can make you or break you.

  Cher Horowitz : Thanks for the recommendation. And by the way, you are my favorite model.

• Cher Horowitz : [in class]  Dee, all these supermodels totally recommend this Ka-feen guy.

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : [gasps]  The Ka-feen?

  Amber Mariens : What?

  Dionne "Dee" Davenport : Ka-feen's gonna take you as a client?

  Cher Horowitz : Apparently he can squeeze me in very early before school.

  Amber Mariens : [envious]  Wait a minute! You got a Ka-feen appointment?

  Murray : [overhearing, and mimicking]  She got a Ka-feen appointment?

  Sean Holiday : Yes, Ka-feen!

  Murray : Uhm, I'm so proud I got me a Ka-feen appointment.

  Sean Holiday : [yanking off Murray's floppy hat]  But don't cover it up. Ooh,

  [Murray is shaven bald] 

  Sean Holiday : it's so crisp, it's so clean...

  Murray : Oh, baby, it's Ka-feen!

• Ka-feen : [talking on cellphone as she awaits him in hairstylist's chair]  Look, I'm keeping it in. If you think it's so disgusting, you can just clean the lower lid or you can reach underneath, and just unscrew the back, okay? I got to go.

  Cher Horowitz : My hair is really fine, so I was thinking that...

  [he sprays her with water and she covers her eyes] 

  Ka-feen : [outlandish accent]  You were thinking? No, you don't think, you just sit. I am Ka-feen, what is your name?

  Cher Horowitz : Cher Horowitz.

  Ka-feen : Uhm-mm. Cher, you know what we have to talk about today is hair, so let me look at your face. What shape face you have is like a big ham, so maybe we do something like a little pigtail

  [fashions style] 

  Ka-feen : or a little something I don't know, oh God, I have the idea, but maybe you are too afraid.

  Cher Horowitz : [looking up at him]  I'm not afraid, I was in fourth grade once.

  Ka-feen : Uhm-mm.

  [sprays her with water again, and again she winces] 

  Ka-feen : I know the story about Grade Four, Cher,

  [patronizing:] 

  Ka-feen : we've already grown up now we're in high school. Okay, I give you the collapsed shabob.

  Cher Horowitz : Shabob?

  Ka-feen : Yes, this is the most brilliant shape, it's a combination of the shag and the bob, last week I gave it to Linda Evangelista. You want to know what makes her nostrils dilate? It's my shaving comb on the back of her head.

  Cher Horowitz : [pleading on deaf ears]  I just don't want it...

  Ka-feen : [a while later with lengths of hair snipped off, as he lathers in hair-care product]  So, I have another client named Cher. The singer Cher. She's much, much older than you, but she looks about your age. She used to come in years ago. One day she brought in a nice little boy. I said do you want to play, eat something, and she said no, that's her boyfriend. So you know who it is the other day, Tom Cruise. And when she's done, he says Ka-feen, could you please give me something exciting and dynamic and full of life and color, but I said Tom, I cannot give you a personality, but...

  [some time later, blow-drying her hair] 

  Ka-feen : So you know who was here? The Full House twins! So they said to me Ka-feen, we want to reinvent ourselves as fearless actresses.

  [later] 

  Ka-feen : This is perfect.

  [the reveal in the mirror shows a disastrous hairstyle]