Gandhi: Hey, turn that frown upside down, Abe. At least it can't get any worse.
Abe Lincoln: How many times have i told you not to say that? Now something worse is gonna happen. I've seen it on Happy Days. Watch, in 3, 2, 1.
Cleopatra: Abe, I'm really confused about my feelings right now. I think I just need some time to be alone... with JFK.
Gandhi: Wait! At least it can't get any *better*!
Abe Lincoln: It doesn't work that way Gandhi.
[a butterfly holding money flies in front of Gandhi]
Abe Lincoln: Folks, For my next totally outrageous campaign stunt, I will ride this windsurfboard which is connected by a bungee cord to this monster truck, which my friend Gandhi will drive back and forth on this half-pipe. Just like the real Abe Lincoln would have done, had he the tools to do so.
Principal Scudworth: And on this podium, captain of the football team and el capitan of the futbol team, JFK!
JFK: I can't see due to the glare from Mena Suvari's enormous forehead.
Marilyn Manson: Next question is for JFK. How do you respond to the criticizm that, unlike Abe and myself, you won't put yourself at risk of physical harm in order to gain approval?
JFK: That is a uh good question scary androgynous white guy! And I would like to reply by uh taking my shirt off!
Abe Lincoln: My bare-chested opponent raises a good point but is avoiding the fact that Extreme Blue is mad-packed with all 9 essential nutramites to fortify your x-zone.
JFK: May I respond to that?
Marilyn Manson: Yes you may.
JFK: Abe's a tot muncher!
Abe Lincoln: Oh yeah? For my rebuttal I'd like to dramatically gesture to this giant death-defying skateboard ramp behind me.
Principal Scudworth: Fine! Whatever! This random *dog* is your new president!
[student body cheers]
Principal Scudworth: [to the Board of Shadowy Figures] By the by, can I have two million dollars?
Principal Scudworth: You know, for dry erase markers and such. They've got some keen new colors... kiwi and... mango...
Abe: You know what hurts the most, Joan? This nail I just stepped on. But there's a metaphorical nail in my other foot that hurts the second most, and it's from you backstabbing me. So maybe instead of the nail metaphor I should have used a stabbing metaphor, but I guess it's too late for that now, isn't it?
Joan of Arc: I guess it is.
Mr. Butlertron: Shouldn't you be saving some of this money for your secret plan instead of having me gold-plated and lowered?
Scudworth: Don't get all up in my business, my hydraulically-outfitted friend. Why, I watched the first two-thirds of "MC Hammer: Behind the Music" and if there's one thing I learned about money it's that it never runs out!
Boy in the audience: [dog wanders onstage after election] Hey check out that stray puppy!
Girl in the audience: He's sooo cute!
Boy in the audience: [dog licks unconscious Ghandi] And he's licking that dead Smurf's face!
[audience gasps and cheers]
Scudworth: [applause-o-meter breaks] Fine, whatever, this random dog is your new president.