Clerks (TV Series)
Big Mac: Hello good people of Leonardo. I, like the mayor, was on my way to a costume, but incidentally, not the same costume party. I am able to remove my costume but I have decided to wear it as protection against the deadly virus. Are there any questions?
Tovah Hernandaz-Carlson: Who are you supposed to be?
Big Mac: I'm Big Mac. Beloved constable and best friend to Ronald McDonald. Now are there any questions about the virus?
Steve-Dave: Will this administration ever bring the Hamburglar to justice?
Big Mac: No... Yes. Look, does anybody have any questions about the virus that could kill us all?
Reporter: Can the virus kill the Grimace?
Big Mac: Nothing can kill the Grimace. All right, we're done here.
Randal Graves: And the lightsaber, you turn it on and it goes yea-high. How does it know when to stop?
Dante Hicks: The Force?
Randal Graves: Man, that's your answer for everything.
[Randal has a box of rotten burritos]
Leonardo Leonardo: What the devil are those?
Randal Graves: Descreeto Burritos.
Leonardo Leonardo: Why are they steaming and reeking?
Randal Graves: They're the expensive kind.
Leonardo Leonardo: I must have them.
Randal Graves: Check it out, patient zero.
Randal Graves: [while looking at the monkey] As God is my witness, monkey, you are not going to infect this town with your deadly virus.
Randal Graves: Look how scared he is. He's shaking.
Dante Hicks: No. He's masturbating.
Randal Graves: Yeah, but it's out of fear.
Major Baklava: We will need to take a sexual history from both of you. And here to take your sexual his is two giggling girls.
Giggling Girl: Okay, when was the last time you had sex?
Dante Hicks: About a year ago.
Giggling Girl: A year?
[They laugh at Dante]
Dante Hicks: This stinks.
Randal Graves: Shut up. Maybe we can have sex with them.
[the girls gasp]
Jay: [the monkey is on Jay] Take your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape. That's from Planet of the Apes, Snoogans.
Dante Hicks: Wow. A new pet store. Wanna go check out the monkey?
Randal Graves: I guess we should, if we're gonna kill it.
Dante Hicks: What? Kill a monkey? Are you mad?
Randal Graves: Man, didn't you see Outbreak? One monkey almost wiped out an entire town and Kevin Spacey with the deadly Motaba virus.
Dante Hicks: Um, that was a movie. This is real life.
Randal Graves: You said the same thing about Jaws when we were kids.
Dante Hicks: Because you refused to sit on the toilet!
Randal Graves: Sharks swim in water. There's water in the toilet. I rest my case.
Dante Hicks: Sharks only swim in salt water.
Randal Graves: I have salt water in my toilet.
Dante Hicks: You're so naïve.
Dante Hicks: No, I know there's no virus because you think there is. Name me one time you've been right about ANYTHING.
Randall Graves: What about that time I said, "There's two jobs open down at the Block of Stores? Excellent pay, great opportunities for advancement, we'll do it for six months then move on."
Randall Graves: Oh my God. You're right. I'm always wrong.
Major Baklava: Okay then. Other than watching you die, there's really nothing left we can do.
Dante's Father: You give those mole people hell, son.
[Dante has just saved the town by claiming to be gay]
Major Baklava: Way to go, you beautiful gay bastard.
Dante Hicks: Look, there is no virus. You're all just victims of the over-active imagination of a pop-culture junkie loudmouth.
Major Baklava: Quentin Tarantino?
Dante Hicks: There never was a Motaba virus. It was just a hoax played by an idiot with too much time on his hands.
Bomber Pilot: Quentin Tarantino?
[Randal has not disposed of a box of rotten burritos]
Dante Hicks: Could you please get them out of here? They're stinking up the place.
Randal Graves: I just hope no one ever says that about your parents.
Mr. Plug: What can we do? I'm willing to donate any of my parts and services to help.
Randal Graves: What are you; some kind of robot?
Mr. Plug: No, that's just an expression. New program: kill the human Randal.
Randal Graves: Hey!
Mr. Plug: That's just an expression too. A robot expression.
Pet Store Manager: Swayze, get back to work. I'm not paying you to gab with the customers.
Dante Hicks: [while waking up under a pile of clothes] Hello? Ha! You can't tell me to go to work beacuse I'm already at work.