Edit

Quotes

Big Mac: Hello good people of Leonardo. I, like the mayor, was on my way to a costume, but incidentally, not the same costume party. I am able to remove my costume but I have decided to wear it as protection against the deadly virus. Are there any questions?

Tovah Hernandaz-Carlson: Who are you supposed to be?

Big Mac: I'm Big Mac. Beloved constable and best friend to Ronald McDonald. Now are there any questions about the virus?

Steve-Dave: Will this administration ever bring the Hamburglar to justice?

Big Mac: No... Yes. Look, does anybody have any questions about the virus that could kill us all?

Reporter: Can the virus kill the Grimace?

Big Mac: Nothing can kill the Grimace. All right, we're done here.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Randal Graves: And the lightsaber, you turn it on and it goes yea-high. How does it know when to stop?

Dante Hicks: The Force?

Randal Graves: Man, that's your answer for everything.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Dante Hicks: Wow. A new pet store. Wanna go check out the monkey?

Randal Graves: I guess we should, if we're gonna kill it.

Dante Hicks: What? Kill a monkey? Are you mad?

Randal Graves: Man, didn't you see Outbreak? One monkey almost wiped out an entire town and Kevin Spacey with the deadly Motaba virus.

Dante Hicks: Um, that was a movie. This is real life.

Randal Graves: You said the same thing about Jaws when we were kids.

Dante Hicks: Because you refused to sit on the toilet!

Randal Graves: Sharks swim in water. There's water in the toilet. I rest my case.

Dante Hicks: Sharks only swim in salt water.

Randal Graves: I have salt water in my toilet.

Dante Hicks: You're so naïve.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Dante Hicks: What are you going to do with a monkey?

Jay: Teach it to smoke, Duh.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Dante Hicks: No, I know there's no virus because you think there is. Name me one time you've been right about ANYTHING.

Randall Graves: What about that time I said, "There's two jobs open down at the Block of Stores? Excellent pay, great opportunities for advancement, we'll do it for six months then move on."

[Realizes]

Randall Graves: Oh my God. You're right. I'm always wrong.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Major Baklava: Okay then. Other than watching you die, there's really nothing left we can do.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Dante: Yes, I'm gay.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Dante's Father: You give those mole people hell, son.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[Dante has just saved the town by claiming to be gay]

Major Baklava: Way to go, you beautiful gay bastard.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Dante Hicks: Look, there is no virus. You're all just victims of the over-active imagination of a pop-culture junkie loudmouth.

Major Baklava: Quentin Tarantino?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Dante Hicks: There never was a Motaba virus. It was just a hoax played by an idiot with too much time on his hands.

Bomber Pilot: Quentin Tarantino?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[Randal has not disposed of a box of rotten burritos]

Dante Hicks: Could you please get them out of here? They're stinking up the place.

Randal Graves: I just hope no one ever says that about your parents.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[Randal has a box of rotten burritos]

Leonardo Leonardo: What the devil are those?

Randal Graves: Descreeto Burritos.

Leonardo Leonardo: Why are they steaming and reeking?

Randal Graves: They're the expensive kind.

Leonardo Leonardo: I must have them.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Mr. Plug: What can we do? I'm willing to donate any of my parts and services to help.

Randal Graves: What are you; some kind of robot?

Mr. Plug: No, that's just an expression. New program: kill the human Randal.

Randal Graves: Hey!

Mr. Plug: That's just an expression too. A robot expression.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Silent Bob: We do the Science Says segments, got it?

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Pet Store Manager: Swayze, get back to work. I'm not paying you to gab with the customers.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Randal Graves: Check it out, patient zero.

Randal Graves: [while looking at the monkey] As God is my witness, monkey, you are not going to infect this town with your deadly virus.

Randal Graves: Look how scared he is. He's shaking.

Dante Hicks: No. He's masturbating.

Randal Graves: Yeah, but it's out of fear.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Major Baklava: We will need to take a sexual history from both of you. And here to take your sexual his is two giggling girls.

Giggling Girl: Okay, when was the last time you had sex?

Dante Hicks: About a year ago.

Giggling Girl: A year?

[They laugh at Dante]

Dante Hicks: This stinks.

Randal Graves: Shut up. Maybe we can have sex with them.

[the girls gasp]

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Dante Hicks: [while waking up under a pile of clothes] Hello? Ha! You can't tell me to go to work beacuse I'm already at work.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

[the monkey is jumping around]

Dante Hicks: What's he doing?

Jay: Nicotine fit.

[Silent Bob acts like a monkey]

Randal Graves: Well what's he doing?

Jay: Nicotine fit.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

Jay: [the monkey is on Jay] Take your stinkin' paws off me, you damn dirty ape. That's from Planet of the Apes, Snoogans.

Is this interesting? Interesting? | Share this
Share this: Facebook  |  Twitter  |  Permalink

See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

Contribute to This Page