Larry: So Norm. Any luck impregnating Vera?
Norm Peterson: I kind of miss the good old days when people used to ask me things like, "how are the Red Sox doing?", things like that.
Larry: Well excuse me for caring.
Norm Peterson: Yeah, I'm sorry Larry. I'm just a little edgy. You have to understand, I've gone an entire month with sex.
Cliff Clavin: [after Cliff comes into the bar during the middle of his postal route, carrying his mail bag] As long as I'm carrying this bag, there's one thing that will never touch these lips.
Carla Tortelli: You mean there's something that wants to?
Cliff Clavin: All right, look, I'll call and see what the penalty is, but's it got to be anonymous.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: [to everyone in the bar] OK, everybody in favor of Cliff calling, raise your hand.
[everyone in the bar raises his/her hand]
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso: It's anonymous.
Cliff Clavin: What happened to the heat, Coach?
Diane Chambers: Oh, some minor malfunction that no one here is skilled enough to even attempt to fix.
Norm Peterson: Diane, I resent that, I'm kind of a handy guy; I'll have you know, just the other day, I uh, changed one of them, uh... what do you call them?
Carla Tortelli: A lightbulb?
Norm Peterson: Lightbulb, there you go!
Norm Peterson: You know, Cliffie, these are all on my way home
[holding mail to be delivered]
Norm Peterson: . Let me drop these off for you, Cliffie. I gotta go home anyway.
Cliff Clavin: Naw, Norm. You're not trained. You're not qualified.
Norm Peterson: What qualified? You drop them in a slot. A chimp could do it.
Cliff Clavin: No way. They did a study at the University of Michigan. The chimps were 32% slower. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything, but...