Anya: For God's sakes, Andrew, you've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
Andrew Wells: Entertaining and educating.
Anya: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?
Buffy: When your blood pours out it might save the world. What do you think about that? Does it buy it all back? Are you redeemed?
Buffy: Why not?
Andrew: Because I killed him. Because I-I-I listened to Warren, and I pretended I thought it was him, but I knew-I knew it wasn't. And I killed Jonathan. And now, you're gonna kill me. And I'm-I'm scared, and I'm going to die. And this - this is - this is what Jonathan felt.
Andrew Wells: [to camera] Oh, hello, there, gentle viewers. You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery: don't they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call: Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs.
[Anya drags Andrew and his videocam out of the bathroom]
Andrew Wells: But the story needs to be told.
Anya: Birds need to fly, and girls need to use the toilet, and why were you videotaping yourself, anyway? Sounds like kinky business to me.
Andrew Wells: The world's gonna want to know about Buffy. It's a story of ultimate triumph, tainted with the bitterness for what's been lost in the struggle. It's a legacy for future generations.
Anya: If there are any. Buffy seems to think that this apocalypse is going to actually be, you know, apocalyptic. I think your, your story seems pretty pointless.
Andrew Wells: Oh. I was gonna interview you later today, 'cause, you know, your unique perspective on the whole thing. Give it editorial balance and, uh, glamour...
Anya: Oh, well, balance is important. People don't always take that into account. I could bring that to you. Absolutely.
Andrew Wells: This whole thing - whole thing - is being orchestrated by something called "The First." It's made up of all the evil in the whole world. Oh, there's also, uh, these guys. Uh, they-they-they work for The First. We don't know much about them except for they're very ugly and they're very mobile for blind people.
[Andrew is videotaping the morning's activities in the Summers kitchen]
Andrew: It's morning in Sunnydale, and the women of Command Central take the time to fortify themselves for the day ahead.
Xander Harris: Hey!
Andrew: Women and Xander. Hey, I'm gonna do your special intro later. "The man who is the heart of the Slayer Machine."
Xander Harris: [pleased] Yeah? The heart?
Andrew: Things are tense in Command Central this morning. Buffy is clearly concerned with some unknown danger, and the air is filled with foreboding.
Dawn Summers: Oh, um, w-we're out of Raisin Bran.
Anya: I'll put it on the list.
Andrew: That's probably not the unknown danger.
Andrew: Buffy and Spike have some kind of history: you can feel the heat between them. Although, technically, as a vampire, he's room temperature.
Amanda: If we don't save the world, then... nothing matters.
Kennedy: That's catchy, Amanda. Let's make that our slogan.
[We see, through the lens of the videocam, Spike pulling a cigarette from his mouth and yelling at Andrew]
Spike: I thought I told you to piss off with this bloody camera, yet here you are again with that thing in my face. Would you sod off before I rip your throat out and eat y...
Andrew Wells: Uh, Spike? The light was kind of behind you.
Spike: Oh, right. Uh... What, is this better, then? - I thought I told you to piss off with that bloody camera; here you are again with that thing in my face. Would you sod off -?
Principal Robin Wood: You have visions?
Principal Robin Wood: Oh. Well, how do you know that they're not just dreams?
Buffy: You're running to catch the bus naked? That's a dream. Army of vicious vampire creatures? That's a vision. Also, I was awake.
Principal Robin Wood: I bus to where?
Andrew Wells: We're fugitives, haunted by our past, tormented by a message we don't understand.
Jonathan Levinson: We're hunted men, driven mad by forces beyond our understanding.
Andrew Wells: We're men of hidden power, tortured from within by-by a voice out of nowhere.
Jonathan Levinson: I don't deserve this. I wasn't even that evil.
Andrew Wells: I thought you were evil.
Jonathan Levinson: Yeah?
Andrew Wells: Sure. I respected your ideas for-for evil projects, and I thought you had good follow-through.
Jonathan Levinson: Oh. Well, thanks. It's nice that you noticed.
Warren Meers: [as The First] Did you get the knife?
Andrew Wells: Yeah. It wasn't easy. I had to meet this demon guy who sells all kinds of weird weapons and stuff.
Warren Meers: [as The First] Okay, show me.
Andrew Wells: Well, I didn't buy them, but, there were poison arrows, and this sort of collapsible sword...
Warren Meers: [as The First] Show me the knife!
Buffy: It's like all the Hellmouth's energy's trying to escape from that one little spot, and it's getting all...
Principal Robin Wood: Focusy.
Buffy: Careful - starting to speak like me now.
Andrew: [filming the room where Willow and Kennedy are passionately kissing on the sofa] Hey, here's something I think you're going to be interested in, gentle viewers.
[zooms in on the window behind the sofa]
Andrew: Look at the fine work Xander did on replacing that window sash. You can't even tell it's new, it blends in so well. He's extraordinary.
[Andrew is videotaping himself as Spike and Principal Wood get into a nasty verbal exchange]
Andrew Wells: Check out Spike and the principal... there's something going on there. Sexual tension you could cut with a knife.
Buffy: Are you still filming me? Stop.
Andrew Wells: But it's a valuable record. A-An important document for the ages. "A Slayer in Action."
Buffy: "A Nerd in Pain." Would they like that? 'Cause we could do that.
Andrew Wells: [about Buffy] She's like a woman fighting for more than life. She fights like fighting is her life. It is the air she breathes, and she knows she will win because there is no alternative.
Andrew Wells: Hey, I think Buffy stopped talking. That usually means she had to go to work. Let's see what the little locusts left for breakfast, shall we?
Andrew: So, this is my redemption at last? I buy back my bruised soul with the blood of my heart, but-but not enough to kill...
Buffy: Stop! Stop telling stories. Life isn't a story.
Andrew: Sorry, sorry.
Andrew: Shut up. You always do this. You make everything into a story so no one's responsible for anything because they're just following a script.
Buffy: Please don't kill me. Warren said Jonathan would be OK. I trusted him, and I lost my friend.
Buffy: You didn't lose him. You murdered him.