Anya: For God's sakes, Andrew, you've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
Andrew Wells: Entertaining and educating.
Anya: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?
Buffy: When your blood pours out it might save the world. What do you think about that? Does it buy it all back? Are you redeemed?
Buffy: Why not?
Andrew: Because I killed him. Because I-I-I listened to Warren, and I pretended I thought it was him, but I knew-I knew it wasn't. And I killed Jonathan. And now, you're gonna kill me. And I'm-I'm scared, and I'm going to die. And this - this is - this is what Jonathan felt.
Andrew: [filming the room where Willow and Kennedy are passionately kissing on the sofa] Hey, here's something I think you're going to be interested in, gentle viewers.
[zooms in on the window behind the sofa]
Andrew: Look at the fine work Xander did on replacing that window sash. You can't even tell it's new, it blends in so well. He's extraordinary.
Andrew Wells: [to camera] Oh, hello, there, gentle viewers. You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery: don't they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call: Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs.
[Anya drags Andrew and his videocam out of the bathroom]
Andrew Wells: But the story needs to be told.
Anya: Birds need to fly, and girls need to use the toilet, and why were you videotaping yourself, anyway? Sounds like kinky business to me.
Andrew Wells: The world's gonna want to know about Buffy. It's a story of ultimate triumph, tainted with the bitterness for what's been lost in the struggle. It's a legacy for future generations.
Anya: If there are any. Buffy seems to think that this apocalypse is going to actually be, you know, apocalyptic. I think your, your story seems pretty pointless.
Andrew Wells: Oh. I was gonna interview you later today, 'cause, you know, your unique perspective on the whole thing. Give it editorial balance and, uh, glamour...
Anya: Oh, well, balance is important. People don't always take that into account. I could bring that to you. Absolutely.
Andrew Wells: This whole thing - whole thing - is being orchestrated by something called "The First." It's made up of all the evil in the whole world. Oh, there's also, uh, these guys. Uh, they-they-they work for The First. We don't know much about them except for they're very ugly and they're very mobile for blind people.
[Andrew is videotaping the morning's activities in the Summers kitchen]
Andrew: It's morning in Sunnydale, and the women of Command Central take the time to fortify themselves for the day ahead.
Xander Harris: Hey!
Andrew: Women and Xander. Hey, I'm gonna do your special intro later. "The man who is the heart of the Slayer Machine."
Xander Harris: [pleased] Yeah? The heart?
Andrew: Things are tense in Command Central this morning. Buffy is clearly concerned with some unknown danger, and the air is filled with foreboding.
Dawn Summers: Oh, um, w-we're out of Raisin Bran.
Anya: I'll put it on the list.
Andrew: That's probably not the unknown danger.
Andrew: Buffy and Spike have some kind of history: you can feel the heat between them. Although, technically, as a vampire, he's room temperature.
Amanda: If we don't save the world, then... nothing matters.
Kennedy: That's catchy, Amanda. Let's make that our slogan.
[We see, through the lens of the videocam, Spike pulling a cigarette from his mouth and yelling at Andrew]
Spike: I thought I told you to piss off with this bloody camera, yet here you are again with that thing in my face. Would you sod off before I rip your throat out and eat y...
Andrew Wells: Uh, Spike? The light was kind of behind you.
Spike: Oh, right. Uh... What, is this better, then? - I thought I told you to piss off with that bloody camera; here you are again with that thing in my face. Would you sod off -?
Principal Robin Wood: You have visions?
Principal Robin Wood: Oh. Well, how do you know that they're not just dreams?
Buffy: You're running to catch the bus naked? That's a dream. Army of vicious vampire creatures? That's a vision. Also, I was awake.
Principal Robin Wood: I bus to where?
Andrew Wells: We're fugitives, haunted by our past, tormented by a message we don't understand.
Jonathan Levinson: We're hunted men, driven mad by forces beyond our understanding.
Andrew Wells: We're men of hidden power, tortured from within by-by a voice out of nowhere.
Jonathan Levinson: I don't deserve this. I wasn't even that evil.
Andrew Wells: I thought you were evil.
Jonathan Levinson: Yeah?
Andrew Wells: Sure. I respected your ideas for-for evil projects, and I thought you had good follow-through.
Jonathan Levinson: Oh. Well, thanks. It's nice that you noticed.
Warren Meers: [as The First] Did you get the knife?
Andrew Wells: Yeah. It wasn't easy. I had to meet this demon guy who sells all kinds of weird weapons and stuff.
Warren Meers: [as The First] Okay, show me.
Andrew Wells: Well, I didn't buy them, but, there were poison arrows, and this sort of collapsible sword...
Warren Meers: [as The First] Show me the knife!
Andrew Wells: Here's the thing. I killed my best friend. There's a big fight coming, and I don't know what's gonna happen. I don't even think I'm gonna live through it. That's, uh, probably the way it should be.
Buffy: It's like all the Hellmouth's energy's trying to escape from that one little spot, and it's getting all...
Principal Robin Wood: Focusy.
Buffy: Careful. You'er starting to speak like me, now.
[Andrew is videotaping himself as Spike and Principal Wood get into a nasty verbal exchange]
Andrew Wells: Check out Spike and the principal... there's something going on there. Sexual tension you could cut with a knife.
Buffy: Are you still filming me? Stop.
Andrew Wells: But it's a valuable record. A-An important document for the ages. "A Slayer in Action."
Buffy: "A Nerd in Pain." Would they like that? 'Cause we could do that.