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"Buffy the Vampire Slayer" Doppelgangland (TV Episode 1999) Poster

Quotes

Willow: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?

Xander: Will, we saw you at The Bronze. A vampire.

Willow: I'm not a vampire.

Buffy: You are. I-I mean you-you were. Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?

Giles: Well, uh... something... something, um, very strange is happening.

Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?

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Buffy: [about Vamp Willow's outfit] Are you okay in that?

Willow: It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe.

[looks down into her low-cut shirt]

Willow: Gosh, look at those!

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[the gang looks at the vampire version of Willow from an alternate reality]

Giles: It's extraordinary.

Willow: It's horrible. That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... and I think I'm kinda gay.

Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.

Angel: Well, actually...

[pauses as Willow and Buffy look at him]

Angel: That's a good point.

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Percy West: Hey, Rosenberg? What are you doing, trick-or-treating? You're supposed to be at home doing my history report. I flunk that class, you're in big trouble with Snyder. Till we graduate, I own your ass.

Vamp Willow: Bored now.

[shoves Percy across the room]

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Anya: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.

Willow: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?

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Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday?

Willow: Uh-huh.

Buffy: See? I told you. Old Reliable.

Willow: Oh, thanks.

Buffy: What?

Willow: Old Reliable? Yeah, great, there's a sexy nickname.

Buffy: Well, I-I didn't mean it as...

Willow: No, it's fine. I'm Old Reliable.

Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.

Willow: That's Old Faithful.

Xander: Isn't that the dog that-that the guy had to shoot...

Willow: That's Old Yeller!

Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.

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Devon MacLeish: Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies.

Oz: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords.

Devon MacLeish: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands.

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Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.

Waiter: ID.

[Anya glares at him]

Waiter: ID.

Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old. Just gimme a frickin' beer!

Waiter: ID.

Anya: [sigh] Gimme a Coke.

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Vamp Willow: This world's no fun.

Willow: You noticed that, too?

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Cordelia: [discussing the ethics of boyfriend stealing] Okay, it isn't even like I was that attracted to Xander, it was more just that we kept being put in these life or death situations and that's always all sexy and stuff. I mean, I more or less knew he was a loser but that doesn't make it okay for you to come around and...

[notices a bored-looking Vamp Willow staring at her]

Cordelia: What? Do I have something on my neck?

Vamp Willow: Not yet.

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Buffy: Will, wait. I'm really sorry.

Willow: Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me.

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Willow: [improvises quickly] This girl has a history of mental problems dating back to early childhood. I'm a blood-sucking fiend! Look at my outfit!

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Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the power of the wish. I brought ruin upon the heads of unfaithful men, I offered destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshiped across the mortal globe and now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High! A mortal! A child! And I'm flunking math.

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Buffy: Willow, you're alive.

Willow: Aren't I usually?

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Buffy: So he threatened you? With what?

Willow: Well, it wasn't exactly anything he said. It was all in his eyes. I mean, there was some nostril work as well, but mostly eyes.

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Faith: Thanks, Sugar Daddy.

Mayor Richard Wilkins: Now, Faith, I don't find that sort of thing amusing. I'm a family man. Now, let's kill your little friend.

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[Faith strides into the library, followed by Wesley, panting and doubled over]

Faith: [sarcastically] Well, that was a blast.

Giles: How did it go?

Faith: Princess Margaret here had a little trouble keeping up.

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Faith: Are you serious about this place?

Mayor Richard Wilkins: Of course I am. No slayer of mine's gonna live in a flea-bag hotel; that place has a very unsavory reputation. There are immoral liaisons going on there.

Faith: Yeah, plus all the screwing.

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Oz: Can you get outta here?

Angel: Skylight in the roof. I can make it.

Oz: I think we need some backup.

Angel: I think I'm needed here.

Oz: Ten to one. Could get pointless.

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Buffy: [Buffy and Willow winding down] You wanna go out tonight?

Willow: Strangely, I feel like staying at home... and doing my homework... and flossing... and dying a virgin.

Buffy: You know, you can OD on virtue.

Willow: Between me and my evil self, I have double guilt coupons. I see now where the path of vice leads. She messed up everything she touched. I don't ever wanna be like that.

Percy West: [Percy walks up] Hey. Uh, hi.

Willow: [Willow still thinking she has to do his homework] Oh, hi. Listen, I didn't have a chance...

Percy West: Okay. So, I did the outline. For the paper on Roosevelt. It turns out there were two President Roosevelts, so I didn't know exactly which one to do, so I did both. And I know they're kinda-kinda short, but, um, I can flesh them out. Oh, and-and here's the bibliography. And I can retype that if you want. You just let me know what I did wrong and I'll get on that.

[Percy leaves comes back with an apple for Willow and leaves again]

Buffy: You wanna go out tonight?

Willow: Nine sound good?

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Willow: [Giles, Willow, Xander and Buffy in the library discussing vamp Willow] This is creepy. I don't like the thought that there's a vampire out there that looks like me.

Xander: Not looks like... is.

Buffy: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.

Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night.

Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?

Buffy: Oh, yeah.

[Giles raises his hand]

Angel: [rushing in] Buffy, I... Something's happened that... Willow's dead.

[no-one looks surprised]

Angel: [Angel sees Willow] Hey, Willow.

[takes another look at her]

Angel: Wait a second.

Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.

Buffy: We saw her too, at the Bronze.

Angel: Okay. Uh, she's there now with a cadre of vampires looking to party.

Buffy: We can figure out who she is after we stop the feeding frenzy.

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[Willow and Vamp Willow meet for the first time]

Vamp Willow: Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.

Willow: What do I want with you? I...

Vamp Willow: Your school friend Anya said that you're the one that brought me here. She said that you could get me back to my world.

Willow: Oh. Oh! Oops.

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Willow: Ok, let's get to the killing. Why don't we start with her?

Anya: Why don't we start with you? If she's a vampire, then I'm the creature from the Black Lagoon.

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Willow: A human? Oh, yeah? Could a human do this?

[screams in a high pitch]

Anya: Sure. Yeah. Humans do that, yeah.

Alfonse: Yeah, I think yeah.

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Buffy: I know Faith's not gonna be on the cover of Sanity Fair, but she had it rough. Different circumstances, that could be me.

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Faith: [to Buffy] You're gonna love it, B. It's just like fun, only boring.

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Alfonse: All right. Nobody cause any trouble or try to leave, and nobody gets hurt.

Angel: Why don't I believe him?

Oz: Well, he lacks credibility.

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Buffy: Now, you're sure you're up to this?

Willow: Don't worry. I won't do anything that could be interpreted as brave.

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Willow: [to Buffy about Principal Snyder] I just hate the way he bullies people. He just assumes everyone's time is his.

Giles: Willow, get on the computer. I want you to take another pass at accessing the Mayor's files.

Willow: [cheerily] Okay.

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Vamp Willow: This is a dumb world. In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies.

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Vamp Willow: You made me cranky.

Alfonse: There's been a mistake here. We were sent after a human.

Vamp Willow: Really? Who do you work for?

Alfonse: I'm not telling you a thing.

[Vamp Willow breaks one of Alfonse's fingers]

Vamp Willow: Who do you work for?

Alfonse: Wilkins, the Mayor.

[Vamp Willow breaks another of Alfonse's fingers]

Vamp Willow: Who do you work for?

Alfonse: You.

Vamp Willow: Get your friends. Bring them here. The world's no fun anymore. We're going to make it the way it was, starting with the Bronze.

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Anya: Uh, Willow?

Willow: Uh, hi.

Anya: Anya. I'm sort of new here. Um, I know Cordelia.

Willow: Oh, fun.

Anya: Yeah, uh, listen, I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if...

Willow: Yeah, that's me. Reliable dog-geyser-person.

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[Vamp Willow, dressed in Willow's clothes, storms into the bronze and throws Oz and Devon out of her way to Willow]

Willow: No more snuggles?

[Vamp Willow punches Willow and sends her flying into the drum set]

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Willow: Okay, that's a little blacker than I like my arts.

Anya: Oh, don't be such a wimp.

Willow: That-that-that wasn't just some temporal fold, that was some weird hell place. I don't think you're telling me everything.

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Willow: [dressed as Vamp Willow] She bothered me. She's so weak and accommodating. She's always letting people walk all over her, and then she gets cranky with her friends for no reason. I just couldn't let her live.

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Buffy: It was exactly you, Wil, every detail. Except for you're not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.

Willow: Oh right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night.

Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?

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Xander: Will, we saw you. At the bronze. A vampire.

Willow: [defensive] I'm not a vampire.

Buffy: But you are, I mean you were... Giles, you planning to step in with an explanation any time soon?

Giles: [not a clue] Well, something... something very strange is happening.

Xander: Can you believe the Watcher council let this guy go?

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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