Willow: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?
Xander: Will, we saw you at The Bronze. A vampire.
Willow: I'm not a vampire.
Buffy: You are. I-I mean you-you were. Giles, planning on jumping in with an explanation any time soon?
Giles: Well, uh... something... something, um, very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?
Buffy: [about Vamp Willow's outfit] Are you okay in that?
Willow: It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe.
[looks down into her low-cut shirt]
Willow: Gosh, look at those!
[the gang looks at the vampire version of Willow from an alternate reality]
Giles: It's extraordinary.
Willow: It's horrible. That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... and I think I'm kinda gay.
Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually...
[pauses as Willow and Buffy look at him]
Angel: That's a good point.
Percy West: Hey, Rosenberg? What are you doing, trick-or-treating? You're supposed to be at home doing my history report. I flunk that class, you're in big trouble with Snyder. Till we graduate, I own your ass.
Vamp Willow: Bored now.
[shoves Percy across the room]
Anya: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.
Willow: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in hell?
Xander: Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday?
Buffy: See? I told you. Old Reliable.
Willow: Oh, thanks.
Willow: Old Reliable? Yeah, great, there's a sexy nickname.
Buffy: Well, I-I didn't mean it as...
Willow: No, it's fine. I'm Old Reliable.
Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
Willow: That's Old Faithful.
Xander: Isn't that the dog that-that the guy had to shoot...
Willow: That's Old Yeller!
Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.
Devon MacLeish: Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies.
Oz: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords.
Devon MacLeish: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands.
Anya: What a day. Gimme a beer.
[Anya glares at him]
Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old. Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Anya: [sigh] Gimme a Coke.
Cordelia: [discussing the ethics of boyfriend stealing] Okay, it isn't even like I was that attracted to Xander, it was more just that we kept being put in these life or death situations and that's always all sexy and stuff. I mean, I more or less knew he was a loser but that doesn't make it okay for you to come around and...
[notices a bored-looking Vamp Willow staring at her]
Cordelia: What? Do I have something on my neck?
Vamp Willow: Not yet.
Buffy: Will, wait. I'm really sorry.
Willow: Buff, I'm storming off. It doesn't really work if you come with me.
Willow: [improvises quickly] This girl has a history of mental problems dating back to early childhood. I'm a blood-sucking fiend! Look at my outfit!
Anya: For a thousand years I wielded the power of the wish. I brought ruin upon the heads of unfaithful men, I offered destruction and chaos for the pleasure of the lower beings. I was feared and worshiped across the mortal globe and now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High! A mortal! A child! And I'm flunking math.
Buffy: So he threatened you? With what?
Willow: Well, it wasn't exactly anything he said. It was all in his eyes. I mean, there was some nostril work as well, but mostly eyes.
Faith: Thanks, Sugar Daddy.
Mayor Richard Wilkins: Now, Faith, I don't find that sort of thing amusing. I'm a family man. Now, let's kill your little friend.
[Faith strides into the library, followed by Wesley, panting and doubled over]
Faith: [sarcastically] Well, that was a blast.
Giles: How did it go?
Faith: Princess Margaret here had a little trouble keeping up.
Faith: Are you serious about this place?
Mayor Richard Wilkins: Of course I am. No slayer of mine's gonna live in a flea-bag hotel; that place has a very unsavory reputation. There are immoral liaisons going on there.
Faith: Yeah, plus all the screwing.
Oz: Can you get outta here?
Angel: Skylight in the roof. I can make it.
Oz: I think we need some backup.
Angel: I think I'm needed here.
Oz: Ten to one. Could get pointless.
Buffy: [Buffy and Willow winding down] You wanna go out tonight?
Willow: Strangely, I feel like staying at home... and doing my homework... and flossing... and dying a virgin.
Buffy: You know, you can OD on virtue.
Willow: Between me and my evil self, I have double guilt coupons. I see now where the path of vice leads. She messed up everything she touched. I don't ever wanna be like that.
Percy West: [Percy walks up] Hey. Uh, hi.
Willow: [Willow still thinking she has to do his homework] Oh, hi. Listen, I didn't have a chance...
Percy West: Okay. So, I did the outline. For the paper on Roosevelt. It turns out there were two President Roosevelts, so I didn't know exactly which one to do, so I did both. And I know they're kinda-kinda short, but, um, I can flesh them out. Oh, and-and here's the bibliography. And I can retype that if you want. You just let me know what I did wrong and I'll get on that.
[Percy leaves comes back with an apple for Willow and leaves again]
Buffy: You wanna go out tonight?
Willow: Nine sound good?
Willow: [Giles, Willow, Xander and Buffy in the library discussing vamp Willow] This is creepy. I don't like the thought that there's a vampire out there that looks like me.
Xander: Not looks like... is.
Buffy: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
Willow: Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: Oh, yeah.
[Giles raises his hand]
Angel: [rushing in] Buffy, I... Something's happened that... Willow's dead.
[no-one looks surprised]
Angel: [Angel sees Willow] Hey, Willow.
[takes another look at her]
Angel: Wait a second.
Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.
Buffy: We saw her too, at the Bronze.
Angel: Okay. Uh, she's there now with a cadre of vampires looking to party.
Buffy: We can figure out who she is after we stop the feeding frenzy.
[Willow and Vamp Willow meet for the first time]
Vamp Willow: Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy.
Willow: What do I want with you? I...
Vamp Willow: Your school friend Anya said that you're the one that brought me here. She said that you could get me back to my world.
Willow: Oh. Oh! Oops.
Willow: Ok, let's get to the killing. Why don't we start with her?
Anya: Why don't we start with you? If she's a vampire, then I'm the creature from the Black Lagoon.
Willow: A human? Oh, yeah? Could a human do this?
[screams in a high pitch]
Anya: Sure. Yeah. Humans do that, yeah.
Alfonse: Yeah, I think yeah.
Buffy: I know Faith's not gonna be on the cover of Sanity Fair, but she had it rough. Different circumstances, that could be me.
Faith: [to Buffy] You're gonna love it, B. It's just like fun, only boring.
Alfonse: All right. Nobody cause any trouble or try to leave, and nobody gets hurt.
Angel: Why don't I believe him?
Oz: Well, he lacks credibility.
Buffy: Now, you're sure you're up to this?
Willow: Don't worry. I won't do anything that could be interpreted as brave.
Willow: [to Buffy about Principal Snyder] I just hate the way he bullies people. He just assumes everyone's time is his.
Giles: Willow, get on the computer. I want you to take another pass at accessing the Mayor's files.
Willow: [cheerily] Okay.
Vamp Willow: This is a dumb world. In my world, there are people in chains and we can ride them like ponies.
Vamp Willow: You made me cranky.
Alfonse: There's been a mistake here. We were sent after a human.
Vamp Willow: Really? Who do you work for?
Alfonse: I'm not telling you a thing.
[Vamp Willow breaks one of Alfonse's fingers]
Vamp Willow: Who do you work for?
Alfonse: Wilkins, the Mayor.
[Vamp Willow breaks another of Alfonse's fingers]
Vamp Willow: Who do you work for?
Vamp Willow: Get your friends. Bring them here. The world's no fun anymore. We're going to make it the way it was, starting with the Bronze.
Anya: Uh, Willow?
Willow: Uh, hi.
Anya: Anya. I'm sort of new here. Um, I know Cordelia.
Willow: Oh, fun.
Anya: Yeah, uh, listen, I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if...
Willow: Yeah, that's me. Reliable dog-geyser-person.
[Vamp Willow, dressed in Willow's clothes, storms into the bronze and throws Oz and Devon out of her way to Willow]
Willow: No more snuggles?
[Vamp Willow punches Willow and sends her flying into the drum set]
Willow: Okay, that's a little blacker than I like my arts.
Anya: Oh, don't be such a wimp.
Willow: That-that-that wasn't just some temporal fold, that was some weird hell place. I don't think you're telling me everything.
Willow: [dressed as Vamp Willow] She bothered me. She's so weak and accommodating. She's always letting people walk all over her, and then she gets cranky with her friends for no reason. I just couldn't let her live.
Buffy: It was exactly you, Wil, every detail. Except for you're not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
Willow: Oh right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night.
Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Xander: Will, we saw you. At the bronze. A vampire.
Willow: [defensive] I'm not a vampire.
Buffy: But you are, I mean you were... Giles, you planning to step in with an explanation any time soon?
Giles: [not a clue] Well, something... something very strange is happening.
Xander: Can you believe the Watcher council let this guy go?