Chris Morris: [reading headline] "Last one on drugs is a queer," shouts Portillo.
Christopher Morris: People say that alcohol's a drug. It's not a drug, it's a drink!
Christopher Morris: Luckily, the amount of heroin I use is harmless, I inject about once a month on a purely recreational basis. Fine. But what about other people less stable, less educated, less middle-class than me? Builders or blacks for example. If you're one of those, my advice is leave well alone. Good luck.
Chris Morris: An overdose of heroin is fatal - in the short term. But there has been no research whatsoever into long term effects.
Christopher Morris: Drugs destroy families. Well, a disabled lonely teenager, a blind mother, but a family held together by the father's crack dealing, which he uses to keep them in talking books and dildos.
Bernard Manning: One young kiddie on Cake cried all the water out of his body. Just imagine how his mother felt. It's a fucking disgrace.
Noel Edmonds: What is Cake? Well, it has an active ingredient which is a dangerous psychoactive compound known as dimesmeric andersonphosphate. It stimulates the part of the brain called Shatner's Bassoon. And that's the bit of the brain that deals with time perception. So, a second feels like a month. Well, it almost sounds like fun...unless you're the Prague schoolboy who walked out into the street straight in front of a tram. He thought he'd got a month to cross the street.
Christopher Morris: If time's a drug, then Big Ben is a huge needle injecting it into the sky.
Bernard Manning: Cake is a made-up drug. It's not made from plants, it's made from chemicals...by...sick bastards.