Carol Brady: We really think we have a terrific show for you tonight!
Marcia Brady: It's loaded with music, dancing and lots of comedy.
Bobby Brady: Stay tuned, folks. The comedy starts right after this monologue.
Greg Brady: What has six eyes, sex appeal, smokes a cigar and wears a toupee?
Greg Brady: Tonight's three guests.
Bobby Brady: That's Peter's idea of funny stuff, he sings with a puppet. Next week he wants to dance with a roll of paper towels.
Bobby Brady: Compared to us, Donny and Marie are Cheech and Chong!
Carol Brady: Honey, can we have our picnic on the beach? I would somehow like to justify this incredible rent we're paying.
Mike Brady: Sure, honey.
Alice Nelson: Do you mind if I tag along? Maybe the tide's washed up a sailor.
Carol Brady: Sure, Alice. At least he'll be clean!
Mike Brady: Mr Berle... why are you here?
Milton Berle: Bad luck, I guess.
Bobby Brady: Mr. Berle, we need your help. You see, we're about as funny as the Waltons.
Milton Berle: No, you're not.