Tom Dubois: Now, young lady, I know this can be hard to talk about.
The Underaged Girl: Naw, it's cool.
Tom Dubois: How old were you when you were "seeing" Mr. Kelly.
The Underaged Girl: Um, 14 and a quarter.
Tom Dubois: Wow, thats a great age, isn't it? Still learning so much about the world.
The Underaged Girl: Whatever, I guess.
Tom Dubois: Can you describe the events leading up to the shooting of the video?
The Underaged Girl: Yeah, he asked if he could pee on me, and I said fo sho. I mean, it's R Kelly, the pied piper of R&B. I've been peed on by guys who don't even have record deals. Shit, if I didn't wanna get peed on, I would have moved out the way!
Uncle Ruckus: Hang that nigger now! I even got my own rope right here.
Riley: If I were to piss on you right now would you A, smile and ask for more; or B, get the hell out of the way?
Tom Dubois: [about the R. Kelly sex tape] Riley, she was a little girl.
Riley: Oh, I saw that girl. She wasn't little. I'm little. Gary Coleman's little. Mini-Me is little. And to the best of my knowledge, we all managed to avoid gettin' peed on so far!
Tom Dubois: But what about the victim!
Riley: Oh yes! The victim. At what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation? I see piss comin' I run. She saw piss comin' she stayed. And why should I miss out on the next R. Kelly album *just* fo' that?
Huey: Man, you just beat by an eight-year old.
Riley: [from afar] And if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'ma piss on yo' cat!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Didn't Jerry Lee Lewis marry a thirteen-year-old baby?
Uncle Ruckus: You can't compare a chocolate monkey like R. Kelly to Jerry Lee Lewis! He was the king of rock n' roll. Great balls of fire!
Huey: What the hell is wrong with you people? Every famous nigga that gets arrested is not Nelson Mandela! Yes, the government conspires to put a lot of innocent black men in jail on fallacious charges. But R. Kelly is *not* one of those men! We all *know* the nigga can sing, but what happened to standards? What happened to bare minimums? Are you a fan of R. Kelly? You wanna help R. Kelly? Get some counseling for R. Kelly! Introduce him to some older women! Hide his camcorder! But don't pretend that the man is a hero!... And stop the damn dancing! Act like you've got some goddamn sense, people! Damn! I'm through playing around here!