- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Awww, look what you did to 'Dorothy'. You better have insurance.
- Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: Nigga, you better have insurance! Ass-whoopin' insurance! And you about to pay a deductible!
- Colonel Stinkmeaner: Bitch ass, faggot ass, punk ass, pussy ass, bitch ass *nigga*! You wanna do somethin? Bitch... ass... nigga!
- Huey: Watch closely. You are about to experience a "nigga moment". Webster defines the "nigga moment" as a moment when ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical Negro male. Causing him to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner... i.e. like a nigga.
- Huey: If Nigga Moments had their own category, Nigga Moments would be the third leading killer of black men behind pork chops and F.E.M.A. It's a fact.
- Doctor: Mr. Stinkmeaner the cancer has spread to your eyes, I'm afraid you will never see again.
- Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: Well at least I won't have to look at your ugly ass no more!
- Uncle Ruckus: Ah, between me and you, your granddaddy shouldn't be too worried. Everybody knows niggas can't fight.
- Huey: I'm sorry?
- Uncle Ruckus: You heard me, nigga, niggas can't fight. They don't possess the strength of character or the mental quickness to be a great fighter. That's why all the best fighters in the world have always been white men. Jack Dempsey, Rocky Marciano, Sly-vester Stallone, and don't forget Ralph Macchio! Name me one great, black, heavyweight fighter. Name one, go ahead, try, name one. See there? Ya can't do it. What, what what, what? Oh, oh, oh, oh you wanna pull Ali out yo' ass? That what you thinkin' 'bout? Muhammad Ali? Well, if that nigga so tough, then why he didn't go to Vietnam? I'll tell you why. 'Cause he was scared, that's why. Shoot. "No Vietnamese ever called me nigga." I call him a nigga eight times before I have breakfast, now what he gon' do? Hold on, I'll make it nine... NIGGA!
- Uncle Ruckus: Jean-Claude Van Damme's the best martial artist in the world. He killed a man with his butt cheek power.
- Huey: I've said it before, expensive sneakers are like a $150 land mines. Step on one and BOOM! A perfectly rational black man can explode.
- Huey: Stinkmeaner got no pleasure seeing sunsets or trees, dolphins or rainbows.
- Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: [Looking at a rainbow over a sunset over the ocean with dolphins] Man, this some ol' bullshit!
- Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: Who in the hell parked in my space? That's like calling 1-800-collect-an-ass-whupping. And no, this ain't no toll free call!
- Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: You scared ain't ya bitch nigga? Yeah I can smell the bitch on you! Oh yeah! That's vintage *bitch*!
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [at Stinkmeaner's bent handicapped sign, praying] Lord, please forgive us for takin' this man's life.
- Riley Freeman: Why you say us? You killed him.
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Shut yo ass and pray, boy.
- Riley Freeman: Granddad, Rodney King just called and said, "Damn! I thought I got *my* ass whupped." Ah ha ha.
- CNN anchorman: Police aren't pressing charges against Mr. Freeman. They say that ass-whupping was punishment enough. We at CNN agree.
- Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [answering machine message] You have reached the Freeman residence. If this is a lovely cutie-pie, please leave a message. Everybody else should just hang up right now because I'm not interested.
- Huey: That night I dreamt of a blind swordsman. He knows my every move yet he can not see. As my mind fights to make sense of the impossible, he has turned my sight into a liability. He has no just cause to want my life. There is no forethought, no logic in his actions. This isn't just any swordsman. This is the blind nigga samurai.
- Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: What's good, nigga? What's really good?
- Huey: [wakes up in a cold sweat] Niggas!
- Riley Freeman: How bad you gotta telegraph your punches for a blind nigga to see you coming, Granddad?
- Huey: Riley, the man obviously had a heightened sense of hearing.
- Huey: Oh, I thought Granddad had a heightened sense of falling.
- Huey Freeman: If they had their own category, nigga moments would be the third leading killer of Black men, behind pork-chops and F.E.M.A.