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(TV Series)

(1986)

Quotes

Blackadder: Get out, get out libidinous swine! And take that horse-slut painted strumpet with you. May you both rot in the filth of your own fornication!

Queen Elizabeth I: And what did you say to him?

Blackadder: Say, Madam? I said nothing. I simply pulled up my tights and jumped out of the privy window.

Queen Elizabeth I: Oh Edmund, you're so naughty!

Blackadder: Well, I try, Madam. And then, ten minutes later when I've got my breath back, I try again.

Queen Elizabeth I: [Speaking of Edmund:] Well then he's vanished. Simply vanished.

Lord Percy Percy: Like an old oak table.

Queen Elizabeth I: Vanished, Lord Percy, not varnished.

Queen Elizabeth I: Lord Percy...

Lord Percy Percy: Yes?

Queen Elizabeth I: It's up to you. Either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off.

Lord Percy Percy: [thinks for a few seconds] I'll shut up.

[At the Queen's costume party, Baldrick is crouched with two pencils up his nose]

Queen Elizabeth: What are you meant to be?

Baldrick: A pencil case.

Queen Elizabeth: Unfortunately, apart from my nose getting a little prettier, nothing much has changed around here. Your animal still isn't housetrained, Percy's still unemployed, and Nursie's one stick short of a bundle.

Nursie: Moo!

Blackadder: Well, as you know, Madam, I have had experience of this dreadful situation. Only last year my aunt came to me to beg for help in the ransom of my Uncle Osric.

Lord Melchett: Well, then you know something of the dreadful pain involved.

Blackadder: Indeed I do. And can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to her.

Queen Elizabeth I: Which was?

Blackadder: "Get stuffed."

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Blackadder: For "young man," read "young idiot." Look, anyone stupid enough to let some mustachioed dago come up to them in a corridor, say "Excuse me Meester," and hit them over the head with a big stick deserves everything they get.

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Blackadder: Awh, God, God, God. What on earth was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a Frenchman living in it. Where am I?

Lord Melchett: [groans] Ooohhhh...

Blackadder: Who's that?

Lord Melchett: It is I, Melchett.

Blackadder: Melchett! You really ought to get this house of yours cleaned up, you know. It's a real mess!

Lord Melchett: This is no time for jokes, Blackadder! We've been kidnapped!

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Blackadder: No speako dago. I demand to see the British Ambassador, understand?

Torturer: Necesito silencio para comenzar.

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Blackadder: Oh, fire, fire. Ah good. Right. So let's recap. Um... if I admit that I am in love...

Torturer: No! No!

Blackadder: Sorry, head over heels in love with Satan and all his little wizards, then you will remove my testicles with a blunt instrument...

Torturer: Una guadaña, una guadaña.

Blackadder: ...resembling some kind of gardening tool but we can't quite... um... and roast them over a large fire.

Torturer: Si, Si.

Blackadder: Whereas if I don't admit that I'm in love with Satan and... and... all his... his little wizards, y-you will hold me upside down in a vat of warm marmalade.

Torturer: Y!

Blackadder: And remove my testicles with a blunt... oh I see. Well, well, in that case, I love Satan.

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Queen Elizabeth I: Oh I don't know, I've looked everywhere.

Lord Percy Percy: [concentrating intensely] Perhaps... they're not... hiding... at all! Perhaps they've been kidnapped!

Queen Elizabeth I: Nonsense! As Edmund said, "Only real idiots get kidnapped."

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Prince Ludwig: Forgive me, Herr Blackadder... I have been neglecting my duties as a host. Please accept my a-po'-lo'-gies.

Blackadder: I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode.

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Blackadder: Oh, yes. We are proud of our comic serving-wench voice, aren't we? Just because we can say 'Zur' instead of 'Sir,' it seems at all social gatherings the tedious little turd who keeps putting on amusing voices.

Prince Ludwig: [miffed] BE QUIET!

Blackadder: What else have you got in your astoundingly inventive repertoire, I wonder? Aaah, a brilliant drunk Glasweigan, no doubt. An hilarious black man: 'See you Jimmy, where am dat watty-melon?' Oh, fabulous. I can't wait for your side-splitting poof, and that funny little croaky one who isn't anyone in particular, but is such a scream. And most of all, I like the one you do all the time, the fatheaded German chamber pot standing in front of me.

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Prince Ludwig: Unless she pays up, you die. Howwibly.

Blackadder: She will pay up. And then within a week, you die. Howwibly howwibly.

Prince Ludwig: You find yourself amusing, Blackadder.

Blackadder: I try not to fly in the face of public opinion.

Prince Ludwig: Y'know, I think, I think that a week from now, you'll be less in the mood for being amusing.

Blackadder: At least when I am in the mood, I can be amusing.

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Prince Ludwig: I shall read it to you.

Blackadder: Ah, typical master criminal, loves the sound of his own voice.

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Prince Ludwig: But if you gentlemen were to tell me a way to, let us say, gain access to your Queen, I might just be able to commute your deaths to a life sentence.

Blackadder: Are you suggesting we betray her?

Prince Ludwig: Oh yes.

Blackadder: All right.

Lord Melchett: Blackadder, what are you saying? What of loyalty, honor, self-respect?

Blackadder: What of them?

Lord Melchett: Nothing.

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Prince Ludwig: [laughs] Oh, what joy. See how you collapse before me you great and corruptible English nobs. So proud of your great, big 'stiff upper lips'.

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Blackadder: One thing, Ludwig, just before you go...

Prince Ludwig: What?

Blackadder: Were you ever bullied at school?

Prince Ludwig: What do you mean?

Blackadder: Well, all this ranting and raving about power, there must be some reason for it.

Prince Ludwig: Nonsense, no, no, at my school having dirty hair and spots was a sign of maturity.

Blackadder: I thought so! And I bet your mother made you wear shorts right up to your final year.

Prince Ludwig: Shut up! SHUT UP! When I am King of England, no one will ever dare call me Shorty Greasy Spot-Spot again!

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Blackadder: Who the hell are you, sausage breath?

Mad Prince Ludwig: You do not remember me then, Herr Blackadder?

Blackadder: I don't believe I've had the pleasure.

Mad Prince Ludwig: Oh, on the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Otto with whom you used to dine and plot and play ze biscuit game at ze old pizzel in Dover?

Blackadder: My God!

Mad Prince Ludwig: Yes! I... was the waitress!

Blackadder: I don't believe it! You? Big Sally?

Mad Prince Ludwig: [falsetto] Will you have another piece of pie, my Lord?

Blackadder: But I went to bed with you, didn't I?

Mad Prince Ludwig: For my country, I am willing to make any sacrifice.

Blackadder: Yes, well I'm not. I must have been paralytic!

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Prince Ludwig: Do you remember when you were in Cornwall, at the monastery, there was an old shepherd wizh whom you used to talk?

Lord Melchett: Good Lord! Timkins?

Prince Ludwig: Yes! I was one of his sheep!

Lord Melchett: His sheep? Not...

Prince Ludwig: Yes!

Lord Melchett: Flossy?

Prince Ludwig: Yes!

Lord Melchett: But didn't we...

Prince Ludwig: Yes, Lord Melchett! Baaaaaa!

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Blackadder: We told him that if the queen was having a party, that Nursie always goes as a cow. From that moment, he was doomed. All we had to do was escape, return, and kill the cow.

Queen Elizabeth I: How could you be sure it was not Nursie?

Blackadder: Because, lady, Ludwig was a master of disguise. Whereas Nursie is a sad, insane old woman with an udder fixation. All we had to do was kill the one that looked like the cow.

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Lord Percy Percy: Welcome Edmund. Did you... miss me?

Blackadder: I certainly did. Many was a time, Percy, I say to myself, 'I wish Percy was here'...

[Percy gets sentimental]

Blackadder: ...being tortured instead of me.

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Queen Elizabeth: And me, did you miss me Edmund?

Blackadder: Madam, life without you is like a broken pencil.

Queen Elizabeth: Explain...

Blackadder: Pointless.

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[Melchett and Blackadder are prisoners of Prince Ludwig]

Lord Melchett: What say you, Blackadder, I sing a song to keep our spirits up.

Blackadder: That all depends whether you want the slop bucket over your head or not.

Lord Melchett: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game.

Blackadder: Yes, all right. Make a sentence out of the following words: Face, sodding, your, shut.

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Lord Melchett: [Blackadder and Melchett are chained in Prince Ludwig's dungeon] Alas! shall I never see England more? Her rolling fields, her swooping swallows...

Blackadder: ...And her playful sheep.

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Prince Ludwig: Baaaaaa!

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Blackadder: [to Ludwig's henchman] Yes, what is it?

[henchman hits Blackadder on the head]

Blackadder: [angry] I said, what is it, not hit me hard on the head with a...

[collapses]

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Prince Ludwig: I shall return and wreak my rewengey!

Blackadder: No you won't, you will die and be buried.

[throws knife at him]

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Lord Melchett: This is no time for jokes Blackadder, we've been kidnapped!

Blackadder: [remembering that he said 'only real idiots get kidnapped'] Ooooh God! How incredibly embarrassing!

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Lord Melchett: As private parts to the gods are we! They play with us for their sport.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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