Private Baldrick: They've already taken down Nicholas II, who used to be bizarre!
Captain Blackadder: That's 'the tsar.'
Captain Blackadder: [to Bob Parkhurst] Your disguise is as convincing as a giraffe wearing dark sunglasses trying to get into a polar bear's only golf club.
Bob Parkhurst: I want to see how a war is fought, so badly.
Captain Blackadder: Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, high chief of all the vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.
[after Baldrick's Charlie Chaplin impersonation]
Captain Blackadder: Yes... take down a telegram, Bob. To Mr. Charlie Chaplin, Sennet Studios, Hollywood, California. Congrats stop. Have found only person in world less funny than you stop. Name Baldrick stop. Signed E. Blackadder stop. Oh, and put a P.S.: please, please, please stop.
Captain Blackadder: For us, the Great War is finito, a war which would be a damn sight simpler if we just stayed in England and shot fifty thousand of our men a week.
Captain Blackadder: That is the worst idea in the history of entertainment since Abraham Lincoln said, "I'm sick of kicking around the house all day, let's go take in a show."
Captain Blackadder: We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
Captain Darling: We received a telegram from Mr Chaplin himself at Sennet Studios: Twice nightly filming of my films in trenches: excellent idea stop. But must insist that E. Blackadder be projectionist stop. P.S. Don't let him ever... stop.
Bob Parkhurst: I want to do my bit for the boys, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Oh really?
Bob Parkhurst: I'll do anything, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Yes, I'd keep that to yourself if I was you.
Lieutenant George: You a bit cheesed off sir?
Captain Blackadder: George, the day the war began I was cheesed off. Within ten minutes of you turning up, I had finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars, and at this late stage I am in a cab with two lady companions on my way to the Pink Pussycat in Lower Regent Street.
[the Russian Revolution has hit the trenches]
Private Baldrick: Sir, sir it's all over the trenches!
Captain Blackadder: Well, mop it up then.
Captain Blackadder: [to George] If I should die, think only this of me, 'I'll be back to get you!
Private Baldrick: [Blackadder has kicked Baldrick] You mustn't do that to me, sir, 'cause that is a bourgeois act of repression, sir!
Captain Blackadder: What?
Private Baldrick: Haven't you smelt it, sir? There's something afoot in the wind! The huddled masses, yearning to be free!
Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, have you been in the diesel oil again?
Private Baldrick: No sir, I've been supping the milk of freedom! Already our Russian comrades are poised on the brink of revolution. And here too, sir, the huddled wossnames - such as myself, sir - are ready to throw off the hated oppressors like you and the lieutenant! Present company excepted, sir.
Captain Blackadder: Go and clean out the latrines.
Private Baldrick: Yes, sir! Right away, sir!
Captain Blackadder: Good thing the horny old blighter didn't ask you to marry him.
[George makes a smug face]
Captain Blackadder: He did? Well, how did you get out of that one?
Lieutenant George: Well, to be honest, sir, I'm not completely certain that I did.
Captain Blackadder: WHAT? You said YES?
Lieutenant George: Well, sir, I didn't feel that I could refuse. I mean, he is a general, he might have me court martialled!
Captain Blackadder: Where as he's going to give you the Victoria Cross when he lifts up your frock on the wedding night, and finds himself looking at the last turkey in the shop!
Captain Blackadder: There's something wrong with your fiancee.
General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett: Oh my God, she's not Welsh, is she?
Bob Parkhurst: [Reacting to the crowd's ovation to the variety show] They love him, sir. We're a hit!
Captain Blackadder: Yes, in one short evening I've become the most successful impresario since the manager of the Roman Coliseum thought of putting the Christians and the Lions on the same bill.