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"Blackadder Goes Forth" Goodbyeee (TV Episode 1989) Poster

(TV Series)

(1989)

Quotes

Captain Blackadder: Millions have died, but our troops have advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.

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Private Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.

Captain Blackadder: Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?

Private Baldrick: Yes, sir.

Captain Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?

Private Baldrick: Yes, sir.

Captain Blackadder: Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?

Captain Blackadder: [whistle blows] Good luck, everyone.

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[Blackadder and Darling meeting in the trenches shortly before going over the top]

Captain Blackadder: How are you feeling, Darling?

Captain Darling: Ahm... not all that good, Blackadder. Rather hoped I'd get through the whole show. Go back to work at Pratt and Sons, keep wicket for the Croydon Gentlemen, marry Doris... Made a note in my diary on the way here. Simply says: "Bugger."

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Lieutenant George: Will you really? Oh bravo! Yes, jump into the old jalopy and come down and stay in the country, and we can relive the old times.

Captain Blackadder: What, dig a hole in the garden, fill it with water, and get your gamekeeper to shoot at us all day?

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Private Baldrick: Permission to ask a question, sir...

Captain Blackadder: Permission granted, Baldrick, as long as isn't the one about where babies come from.

Private Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? And there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

Captain Blackadder: Do you mean, "how did the war start?"

[Baldrick thinks for a moment]

Private Baldrick: Yeah!

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Private Baldrick: [re: the 1914 Christmas truce] Remember the football match?

Captain Blackadder: Remember it - how could I forget it - I was *never* offside! I could not *believe* that decision.

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[Phone rings Edmund answers it]

Captain Blackadder: Hello; the Somme Public Baths - no running, shouting, or piddling in the shallow end. Ah, Captain Darling.

[pause]

Captain Blackadder: Tomorrow at dawn. Oh, excellent. See you later, then. Bye.

[Hangs up. To George and Baldrick]

Captain Blackadder: Gentlemen, our long wait is nearly at an end. Tomorrow morning, General Insanity Melchett invites you to a mass slaughter. We're going over the top.

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Captain Blackadder: This is a crisis. A large crisis. In fact, if you got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeting throughout, 24-hour portage, and an enormous sign on the roof, saying 'This Is a Large Crisis'. A large crisis requires a large plan. Get me two pencils and a pair of underpants.

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Captain Blackadder: [upon realizing there is no way he can avoid going over the top] I think the phrase rhymes with "clucking bell".

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General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett: [while sending Darling to the trench] I'm just going to have to sit this one out on the touchline with the half-time oranges and the fat wheezy boys with a note from matron, while you young bloods link arms and go together for the glorious final scrum down.

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Captain Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war two great super-armies developed. Us, the Russians and the French on one side, Germany and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea being that each army would act as the other's deterrent. That way, there could never be a war.

Private Baldrick: Except, this is sort of a war, isn't it?

Captain Blackadder: That's right. There was one tiny flaw in the plan.

Lieutenant George: O, what was that?

Captain Blackadder: It was bollocks.

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Private Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? and, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? and there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

Captain Blackadder: Do you mean "How did the war start?"

Lieutenant George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire- building.

Captain Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganiki. I hardly think that we can be entirely absolved of blame on the imperialistic front.

Lieutenant George: Oh, no, sir, absolutely not.

[aside, to Baldrick]

Lieutenant George: Mad as a bicycle!

Private Baldrick: I heard that it started when a bloke called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cause he was hungry.

Captain Blackadder: I think you mean it started when the Archduke of Austro-Hungary got shot.

Private Baldrick: Nah, there was definitely an ostrich involved, sir.

Captain Blackadder: Well, possibly. But the real reason for the whole thing was that it was too much effort not to have a war.

Lieutenant George: By Gum, this is interesting. I always loved history. The Battle of Hastings, Henry VIII and his six knives, all that.

Captain Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.

Private Baldrick: But, this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?

Captain Blackadder: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.

Private Baldrick: What was that, sir?

Captain Blackadder: It was bollocks.

Private Baldrick: So the poor old ostrich died for nothing then.

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Captain Blackadder: Well, I'm afraid it'll have to wait. Whatever it was, I'm sure it was better than my plan to get out of this by pretending to be mad. I mean, who would have noticed another madman round here?

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Lieutenant George: Oh, dash and blast all this hanging about, sir! I'm as bored as a pacifist pistol. When are we going to see some action?

Captain Blackadder: Well, George, I strongly suspect that your long wait for certain death is nearly at an end. Surely you must have noticed something in the air...

Lieutenant George: Well, yes, of course, but I thought that was Private Baldrick.

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Captain Blackadder: [last lines]

Captain Blackadder: [Before going over the top] Good luck, everyone.

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Lieutenant George: Oh We've survived it, The Great War, From 1914 to 1917.

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[discussing how the war began]

Private Baldrick: I heard it started when some fella called Archie Duke shot an ostrich 'cos he was hungry.

Captain Blackadder: I think you mean that it started when the Arch Duke of Austro-Hungary got shot.

Private Baldrick: No, there was definitely an ostrich involved.

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Captain Blackadder: [Pretending to be insane]

[Speaking in a monotone voice]

Captain Blackadder: Wobble, Wobble.

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Lieutenant George: Captain Darling said they'd be along directly, but, well, you'd better be damn doolally.

Captain Blackadder: Don't worry, George; I am. When they get here, I'll show them what 'totally and utterly bonkeroonie' means. Fwaf! Until then, we've got bugger-all to do except sit and wait.

Lieutenant George: Well, I don't know, sir - we could, er, we could have a jolly game of charades!

Private Baldrick: Ooh, yes!

Lieutenant George: And a singalong of musical hits like "Birmingham Bertie" and "Whoops, Mrs Miggins, You're Sitting On My Artichokes."

Captain Blackadder: Yes, I think bugger-all might rather be more fun.

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Lieutenant George: You know, I won't half miss you chaps after the war.

Private Baldrick: Don't worry, Lieutenant; I'll come visit you.

Lieutenant George: Will you really? Oh bravo! Yes, jump into the old jalopy and come down and stay in the country, and we can relive the old times.

Captain Blackadder: What, dig a hole in the garden, fill it with water, and get your gamekeeper to shoot at us all day?

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Private Baldrick: No, the thing is: The way I see it, these days there's a war on, right? And, ages ago, there wasn't a war on, right? So, there must have been a moment when there not being a war on went away, right? And there being a war on came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?

Captain Blackadder: Do you mean "How did the war start?"

Private Baldrick: Yeah.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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