[Blackadder is informed that a German spy is stealing battle plans]
General Melchett: You look surprised, Blackadder.
Captain Blackadder: I certainly am, sir. I didn't realise we had any battle plans.
General Melchett: Well, of course we have! How else do you think the battles are directed?
Captain Blackadder: Our battles are directed, sir?
General Melchett: Well, of course they are, Blackadder, directed according to the Grand Plan.
Captain Blackadder: Would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everyone's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig and their tortoise, Alan?
General Melchett: Great Scott! Even you know it!
Captain Blackadder: [sees Darling in the hospital] Darling, what are you doing here?
Captain Darling: Bullet in the foot.
Captain Blackadder: I can understand people at the front lines shooting themselves but you're 30 miles behind the trenches.
Captain Darling: I didn't do it, the general did it.
Captain Blackadder: Got tired of you already has he?
Captain Darling: He wasn't aiming at my foot.
Captain Blackadder: Oh so he was going for your head.
Captain Darling: He wasn't aiming at anything.
Captain Blackadder: So he was aiming for between your legs.
[Blackadder is interrogating Captain Darling who is suspected of being a German spy]
Captain Darling: I'm as British as Queen Victoria!
Captain Blackadder: So your father's German, you're half German, and you married a German!
[Blackadder thinks Nurse Mary is a German spy]
Captain Blackadder: And then the final, irrefutable proof. Remember, you mentioned a clever boyfriend...
Nurse Mary: Yes.
Captain Blackadder: I then leapt on the opportunity to test you. I asked if he'd been to one of the great universities, Oxford, Cambridge, or Hull.
Nurse Mary: Well?
Captain Blackadder: You failed to spot that only two of those are great Universities.
Nurse Mary: Swine!
General Melchett: That's right! Oxford's a complete dump!
Lieutenant George: Smithy, you haven't seen any suspicious characters hanging around have you, who might be German spies?
Brigadier Smith: Nein.
Lieutenant George: Nine! Well, the cap's got his work cut out, then.
Captain Blackadder: So in the name of security, sir, everyone who enters the room has to have his bottom fondled by this drooling pervert?
Captain Darling: I'm only doing my job, Blackadder.
Captain Blackadder: Well, how lucky you are then that your job is also your hobby.
[after his interrogation]
Captain Darling: You'll regret this Blackadder. You'd better find the real spy or I'll make it very hard for you.
Captain Blackadder: Please, Darling. There are ladies present.
Nurse Mary: When this war is over, do you think we might get to know each other a little better?
Captain Blackadder: Yes, why not? When this madness has finished, perhaps we could go cycling together. Take a trip down to the old Swan at Henley and go for a walk in the woods.
Nurse Mary: Yes. Or we could just do it right now on the desk.
Captain Blackadder: Yeah, OK.
General Melchett: Is this true, Blackadder? Did Captain Darling pooh-pooh you?
Captain Blackadder: Well, perhaps a little.
General Melchett: Well, then, damn it all! What more evidence do you need? The pooh-poohing alone is a court martial offense!
Captain Blackadder: I can assure you, sir, that the pooh-poohing was purely circumstantial.
General Melchett: Well, I hope so, Blackadder. You know, if there's one thing I've learnt from being in the Army, it's never ignore a pooh-pooh. I knew a Major, who got pooh-poohed, made the mistake of ignoring the pooh-pooh. He pooh-poohed it! Fatal error! 'Cos it turned out all along that the soldier who pooh-poohed him had been pooh-poohing a lot of other officers who pooh-poohed their pooh-poohs. In the end, we had to disband the regiment. Morale totally destroyed... by pooh-pooh!
General Melchett: Something's the matter. Something sinister and something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right here under my very nose.
Captain Blackadder: [protesting] Sir, your moustache is lovely...
Nurse Mary: [in bed together, Nurse Mary is asking Blackadder whether he has a girl back home in England] And no casual girlfriends?
Captain Blackadder: Skirt? Ha! If only. When I joined up we were still fighting colonial wars. If you saw someone in a skirt you shot him and nicked his country.
Captain Blackadder: Can anyone tell me what's going on?
Captain Darling: Security, Blackadder.
Captain Blackadder: Security?
General Melchett: Security isn't a dirty word, Blackadder. Crevice is a dirty word, but security isn't.
Captain Blackadder: I spy with my bored little eye something beginning with "T".
Private Baldrick: Breakfast.
Captain Blackadder: What?
Private Baldrick: My breakfast always begins with tea. Then I have a little sausage, then a egg with some little soldiers.
Captain Blackadder: Baldrick, when I said it begins with "T", I was talking about a letter.
Private Baldrick: Nah - it never begins with a letter. The postman don't come till 10.30.
Captain Blackadder: I can't go on with this. George, take over.
Lieutenant George: All right, sir. Umm... I spy with my little eye something beginning with "R"
Private Baldrick: Army.
Captain Blackadder: For God's sake, Baldrick. Army starts with an "A". He's looking for something that starts with an "R". Rrrrrrr.
Private Baldrick: Motorbike
Captain Blackadder: What?
Private Baldrick: Well, a motorbike starts with an rrrrm rrrrm rrrrm.
Captain Blackadder: Right, right, right. My turn again. What begins with "Come here" and ends in "Ow"?
Private Baldrick: I don't know.
Captain Blackadder: Come here.
Private Baldrick: [Blackadder punches Baldrick in the face] Ow!
Captain Darling: So you see, Blackadder, Field Marshall Haig is most anxious to eliminate all these German spies.
General Melchett: Filthy hun weasels, fighting their dirty underhand war!
Captain Darling: And fortunately, one of our spies...
General Melchett: Splendid fellows, brave heroes risking life and limb for Blighty!
General Melchett: [on catching the spy] Yes, three weeks to smoke the bugger out. Use any method you see fit. Personally, I'd recommend you get a hold of a cocker spaniel, tie your suspect down on a chair with a potty on his head, then pop his todger between two floury buns and shout "Dinner time, Fido!"