Black Books (TV Series)

The Big Lock-Out (2000)

Dylan Moran: Bernard Black

Photos 

Quotes 

• [the shop has been robbed] 

  Bernard : So, what did you tell them? They got in through the back?

  Manny : Yeah.

  Bernard : Yeah, it wouldn't do to let them know that we went out and you left the front door open, would it?

  Manny : Yeah, well, what sort of world is it that you can't go away and leave the front door open without getting robbed?

  Bernard : It's this sort of world, Gandalf!

• Manny : That was the last film you went to see? 'Planet of the Apes'?

  Bernard : Yeah. Amazing effects, you know. You really believed that monkeys could have meetings.

• [When working in a fast food restaurant] 

  Bernard : Hello. Welcome to... the thing. Whatever this place is.

• Bernard : Excuse me, there seems to be some mistake. I bought some popcorn and a drink and now I have no money left.

  Youth : That's how much it costs.

  Bernard : What is it, magic popcorn? Does it produce some kind of dizzying high?

• Manny : Do you think I should wash my beard?

  Bernard : I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off... nail it to a frisbee... and fling it over a rainbow.

• Bernard : You know what you are? You're a beard with an idiot hanging off it.

• Bernard : We're trying something new - absinthe. You know that one? The slogan "The drink that makes you want to kill yourself instantly".

• Manny : Do you think I should wash my beard?

  Bernard : I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.