Black Books (TV Series)

Party (2004)

Dylan Moran: Bernard Black

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bernard : [describing a party]  Drinks were few and the people many... it was everything I expected and less.

• Manny : It's Friday night!

  Bernard : Well it was Friday night last week, it'll be Friday night next week and every week until we're dead and even then the whole rotten business will on and on and on.

• Manny : Let's paaaaar...

  Bernard : Don't you dare use the word "party" as a verb in this shop!

• Manny : There's a girl.

  Bernard : A what? You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls- people. Who is she?

  Manny : Roweena, a friend of Anne's. I met her once and was hoping to meet her again.

  Bernard : Oh, I see.

  [Mockingly] 

  Bernard : Roweena! Roweeeeena! And what am I supposed to do while you're doing the underpants charleston with this insane, blind tart?

  Manny : Why are you getting so angry?

  Bernard : I can't help being angry when I'm furious! So, before you go off to raise your bearded freak circus, what's she like?

  Manny : She's nice.

  Bernard : She's nice, she- dont make me sick into my own scorn. What are her prospects? Does she play the viola? Does she embroider? Is she kind to the servants?

  Manny : I don't know. All I know is I like her and there's a good chance that she likes me.

  Bernard : [Later]  Well, we're going to this party because I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you and all I can see is you in a dress.

• Bernard : [to Manny]  Right. We are going to this party, because I'm trying to picture the sort of girl who would be interested in you, and all I can see is you. In a dress.

• Bernard : I read your personal ad. That was good. 'Attractive, 30 something female, seeks solvent male for sex and possible friendship. Sense of humour irrelevant'.

• Bernard : What is this I'm drinking? It's like a choc ice fell into a bucket of Bleach... Childrens Booze!

• [On a girl Manny is interested in] 

  Bernard : Who is she then, this so-called person?

• Fran : Notice anything different about me?

  Bernard : You've turned into a heron.

• Manny : [having sworn to Fran that he won't tell Bernard his deceased ex-fiancée is still alive]  She's alive! She's still alive! Fran told me! Fran knows her!

  Bernard : Is this true? How long have you known?

  Fran : A couple of years.

  Bernard : I don't believe you.

  Fran : She's in my phone. Look. That's her full name isn't it?

  Bernard : I don't believe you.

  Fran : This is photo of her and me at her last birthday. One of many she'll have, still being alive. These are her dental records. This is her birth certificate. I keep it safely tucked inside the envelope with a photo of her reading yesterday's newspaper and wearing an "I love life" t-shirt.

• Bernard : Anyway, you had your chance with her. What did you talk about?

  Manny : Offshore wind farms. I couldn't think of anything else.

• Fran : Bernard, why aren't you dancing?

  Bernard : There's no music.

  Fran : Well, sing us a song - you're Irish.

• Fran : Look Bernard, look at my new phone! Look, look, look, look, look! It's got web access, it's got a camera, it can do everything...

  Bernard : Daaggh! Can it stop boring conversations?

  Fran : No, none of them can do that.

  Bernard : Mine can.

  [Bernard picks up his phone receiver and speaks into it] 

  Bernard : Shut up about your phone.

• Manny : Fran, get the wine!

  Bernard : What? Lies! Subterfuge!

• Bernard : What is this... I'm drinking? It's disgu... It's like a choc ice fell into a bottle of bleach. It's children's booze! What's yours?

  Fran : Bludge. It's quite good, actually. You don't even have to drink it. You just rub it on your hips and it eats right through to your liver.

• Bernard : I bet Manny doesn't know what name you were born with, does he? Have you met? Have you met Enid, Manny?

  Fran : Don't go down this road.

  Bernard : Remember that letter you wrote to your mother as part of the self-help programme? You couldn't find it? That's because I found it and I posted it.

• Bernard : You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls- people!

• Bernard : [using Fran's new mobile phone]  Hello, can I speak to Emma please. Oh it's you. Yes it's me. How are you? I'm fine, I'm fine, actually no I'm not. I'm dead. Not so funny now is it?

• Bernard : You can't hang up on the undead.

• Bernard : Who else knows about this?

  Fran : Nobody. Hardly anybody. A few people. Mr Singh at the newsagents, and your parents - I told them. And of course at parties if your name comes up.

• Bernard : [Fran is dancing]  Are you finished? Because that's rubbish.

• Bernard : Don't you dare use 'party' as a verb in this shop!

• Bernard : Yeah, well, you know, frankly, you're doomed. You and all the Shire people are. Natural selection favors the loud and the aggressive. I don't mean this in a bad way, but genetically, you are a cul-de-sac.

• Bernard : I had a girlfriend actually, she died. Her name was Emma. You're talking about someone you barely know knocking you back. Big deal. We were supposed to be living together by now but instead I wake up every morning and look from my cornflakes and see your big, snaggle-toothèd head.