- Manny: This place could look all right, you know, with a few lamps.
- Bernard: Why didn't you just say you were gay?
- Manny: I'm not.
- Bernard: But you're interested in lamps.
- Manny: Yeah, but I'm interested in women... and lamps. I thought you were actually. Gay, I mean
- Bernard: So did I, for a short while, but then I learnt of the prohibitive standards of hygiene, and all that *dancing*
- Bernard: You there - Lord of the Rings, Let's talk about how this whole, er, one-day-trial thing is going. At the moment you're fired.
- Bernard: I'm going out. I'm taking some clothes to Oxfam.
- Manny: Alright.
- Bernard: I usually lock up.
- Manny: But now I'm here it's different.
- Bernard: Yes. It's different.
- [starts to lock the door]
- Manny: Why are you locking the door?
- Bernard: I always lock the door.
- Manny: But now that I'm here it's different.
- Bernard: Yes. It's different. I've never locked anybody in before.
- Fran Katzenjammer: [storms in, furious]
- Bernard: What did I do?
- Fran Katzenjammer: [throws a book at him]
- Bernard: What did I do?
- Fran Katzenjammer: Did you tell Manny he was fired?
- Bernard: You nearly hurt me in the shoulder then.
- Fran Katzenjammer: Did you?
- Bernard: Yes, well, maybe a little bit.
- Manny: [entertaining customers in Bernard's absence] Who will buy my books today / All the authors on display / Some of Dickens and some of Shaw's / Peter Bletchley... he wrote Jaws. / Oh who will buy my books today / "Who's in the books?" I hear you say, /Leopold Bloom and Josef K, And Bridget Jones. / Who will buy my books today? / "Why read books?" I hear you say. / It's educational and it's fun, / and you get sucked into a whole different world. / Who will buy my books today? / Maybe something a tad outré / Something by obscure women / or something that's not necessarily plot-driven. / Oh who will buy my books today? / Now I'll send you on your way / Before you go, there's just one thing, / We're completely sold out of Lord of the Rings.
- Bernard: Where are all the books?
- Manny: Pardon?
- Bernard: Where are all the books?
- Manny: Oh. They've all been sold.
- Bernard: Oh Jesus! That means I have to ring the ordering place and you have no idea how incredibly boring and complicated that is.
- [calls the ordering place]
- Bernard: Hello? Is this the place you order books from if you want to sell them from your bookshop? I don't know. I don't know. Can you just send me some books? Argh.
- Manny: [takes phone] Hello, who am I speaking to? Katy, Hi! Uh, we'll have the full Austen, complete Trollope - not you! Penguin paperback editions. Tolstoy? Yeah. Fling a few in. Alright, alright. Bye bye.
- Fran Katzenjammer: You need someone normal around here.
- Bernard: Normal! He's normal is he, is he?
- Fran Katzenjammer: [chuckles]
- Bernard: What am I then?
- Fran Katzenjammer: Well you're a freak, Bernard, you know that.
- Bernard: [pauses then blurts] Yes. I know. But I have rights!
- Eddie: WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? I'M BROWSING! MAYBE I'LL BUY THIS BOOK, MAYBE I WON'T, BUT YOU CANNOT INFLUENCE ME ONE IOTA, NOT ONE JOT! NOW THAT I'M DONE WITH YOU, GO AWAY!
- Fran Katzenjammer: You need someone normal around here.
- Bernard: Normal? He's normal is he? And what am I then?
- Fran Katzenjammer: You're a freak, Bernard, you know that.