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"Black Books" Elephants and Hens (TV Episode 2004) Poster

(TV Series)

(2004)

Quotes

Manny: Well, instead of the? um? academic and the journalist's daughter? um? perhaps it could be about an elephant?

Bernard: An elephant?

Manny: That's right.

Bernard: I see. What's your other suggestion?

Manny: Well? um? instead of the Stalinist purges and the divorce and the investigation, um? it could be about losing a balloon.

Bernard: An elephant who loses his balloon?

Manny: That's it.

Bernard: But, but it would still be my story in essence?

Manny: Oh, yeah.

Bernard: My vision?

Manny: Completely.

Bernard: Yes, all right! Let's do that, then!

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[Manny reads "The Elephant and the Balloon", the children's book he and Bernard have spent all night writing]

Manny: There's the elephant. He's happy with his balloon. Oh no! It's gone! Where is it? It's not behind the rhino. Look in the alligator's mouth.

MannyBernard: It's not there either.

Manny: Ohhhh... the monkey's got it in the tree!

MannyBernard: He brings it back. They all drink lemonade. The end.

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Manny: Bernard, it's hot in the worm.

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Bernard: It couldn't be simpler. You've got the academic who survived the Stalinist purges and is now having flashbacks to that time. There's his daughter whose long bitter marriage is falling apart around her and the journalist who's investigating the academic because he suspects he was never in Russia at the time and then he falls obsessively in love with the daughter and sacrifices his career to become a lense grinder in Omsk.

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Claire: I've got a job and a family.

Tanya: I've got a career.

Becky: And I'm getting married.

Tanya: And you're still the same old Auntie Millicent.

Fran: Who's Auntie Millicent?

Claire: It's what we used to call you, because we knew you'd turn into a crazy spinster!

Tanya: And you have! Hanging out with those two freaks from the bookshop.

Becky: Oh it was wasn't it! Auntie Millicent who lived in the crooked house.

Claire: With lots of cats!

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Tanya: I was just waiting for the right time to tell you.

Fran: What? Like her anniversary or something?

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Fran: Well, at least I didn't have a threesome with Mark on the night of the school reunion. Oh dear, did I just say that?

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Timmy: [Bernard is smoking and eating an ice cream] My father says smoking makes you dead. You go all black inside.

Timmy's Mother: Timmy? I'm sorry, is he annoying you?

Bernard: No, but I'm afraid we don't allow ice creams in the shop.

Timmy: I haven't got an ice cream.

Bernard: [Bernard has hidden his ice cream in Timmy's pocket] I think Timmy's telling a naughty fib.

Timmy's Mother: Outside now. I'm so sorry.

Bernard: Not at all.

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Manny: 'My, what a lovely carrot' said the hippo. 'Yes, but is it organic?' said the rabbit in a squeaky voice.

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Mother: [deleted scene] Hello, do you have the latest in the Doom Castle series?

Bernard: The what?

Mother: You know, it's the books where there's a group of children and they worship a horned god.

Manny: Yes, it's right here. Anything that gets them reading, eh?

Bernard: 6.66

Mother: All her friends love it too, they come round and have their little ceremonies, don't you dear?

Girl: We observe the sacred rites. As all must.

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Manny: Well, instead of the... um... academic and the journalist's daughter... um... perhaps it could be about an elephant?

Bernard: An elephant?

Manny: That's right.

Bernard: I see. What's your other suggestion?

Manny: Well... um... instead of the Stalinist purges and the divorce and the investigation, um... it could be about loosing a balloon.

Bernard: An elephant who looses his balloon?

Manny: That's it.

Bernard: But, but it would still be my story in essence?

Manny: Oh, yeah.

Bernard: My vision?

Manny: Completely.

Bernard: Yes, alright! Let's do that, then!

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Bernard: We're on the pig's back, charging through a velvet field.

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Bernard: Let's just, you know, get some ideas bouncing around. Sort of go crazy, you know, no rules...

Manny: Yeah, yeah, sort of anything goes...

Bernard: [hysterically] No, not anything goes! I said no rules!

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Fran: [the girls have a group hug until Fran breaks it, bee-lining for her bag] Now... BOOZE!

Becky: [Fran unpacks two wine bottles and places them on the table. Becky looks disappointed] Oh.

Claire: [Hesitant] Is that enough?

Tanya: [Fran unpacks three more wine bottles and places them on the table. Tanya is excited] Oh great! We've got loads!

Fran: [Fran unpacks arm-fulls of wine and covers the table with them while her friends look on in shock]

Tanya: [Sarcastically] Did you bring anything else, Doctor Death?

Fran: Just this...

[Fran holds up a large wine bottle marked 'Life Cry' with a wounded polar bear on the label]

Claire: [Claire stares in disbelief] Oh god. 'Life Cry'.

Becky: [Becky stares in horror] I haven't seen that since our school reunion.

Fran: [Fran gives them a wicked smile as she lovingly cradles the bottle] Ahhh. You always know you're in for a good night when there a polar bear bleeding on the label.

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Manny: How about a London Pigeon?

Bernard: No, that makes me cringe.

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Becky: Quiet, Taanya!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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