Baldrick: My Lord...
Prince Edmund: What?
Baldrick: I also have a plan.
Prince Edmund: Yes?
Baldrick: Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
Prince Edmund: But I do, Baldrick, I do!
Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. I mean, erm, the, er, *intimate* company of men...?
Prince Edmund: You don't mean... like the Earle of Doncaster...?
Baldrick: I mean just like the Earle of Doncaster.
Prince Edmund: That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earle of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen.
Baldrick: Mm! And who would want to marry the Earle of Doncaster?
Prince Edmund: Well, no-one wou -
Prince Edmund: Brilliant! Of course! No-one would marry the Earle of Doncaster!... except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort.
King Richard IV: [laughs] Ah, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy! But you well know where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don't you, my boy...
Harry, Prince of Wales: Well, actually, I don't, Father, but I would like to know.
King Richard IV: [points to Harry's groin] There.
Harry, Prince of Wales: [lifts his robes] Are you sure? I can't imagine anything of any real interest down there.
King Richard IV: Let me explain. What's that for?
Harry, Prince of Wales: Well, a couple of things...
King Richard IV: Correct, and one of those things is...?
Harry, Prince of Wales: Best not mentioned, really.
King Richard IV: Right! And the other is fornication!
Prince Edmund: So let me get this straight. You're saying that something which you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else which you have never seen?
[Richard IV hands over an ornate container]
King Richard IV: Chiswick. Give this to the Queen of Naples.
Lord Chiswick: What is it my Lord?
King Richard IV: The King of Naples.
Prince Edmund: As my tutor, old bubble face, used to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."
Prince Edmund: My God! In twenty four hours I'll be married to a walrus!
Infanta Maria Escalosa of Spain: Mi Amor! Mi Amor!
[Starts kissing Blackadder]
The Queen: Look at the two love birds!
Prince Edmund: One love bird and one love elephant.
King Richard IV: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the of his son.
Lord Chiswick: The one you had beheaded, my lord...
King Richard IV: Yes, that's the fellow.
3rd & 4th Messengers: My Lord, news: the Swiss have invaded France.
King Richard IV: Excellent!
[to one of his men who is standing in attendance]
King Richard IV: Wessex, while they're away, take ten thousand troops and pillage Geneva.
Lord Chiswick: But the Swiss are our allies, My Lord.
King Richard IV: Oh yes... Well, er, get them to dress up as Germans, will you?
[while the Archbishop is speaking, Don Speekinglesh is interpreting what he says into Spanish]
Archbishop: Do you, Edmund Plantagenet, take Maria...
Don Speekingleesh, An Interpreter: [interrupting] Usted, Edmund...
Archbishop: [shouts at him] Oh, do shut up!
Don Speekingleesh, An Interpreter: [in Spanish, to the crowd watching the marriage] !Silencion!
Baldrick: [as Edmund and Percy are dressing him up to sneak into the Infanta's room] Please my lord, I beg you to reconsider...
Prince Edmund: Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it!
Baldrick: But I'll die in there!
[meaning the room that Infanta is in]
Prince Edmund: Don't worry. We'll give you a hero's funeral, bury you at sea, say you died in combat, with an enemy vessel.
King Richard IV: [clapping his hands] Where is she? Where is she? Where is Princess Leia?
[Edmund eyes the four beautiful ladies in the room and waits patiently. Princess Leia enters]
King Richard IV: Ah, good. Good!
[to Edmund, who is surprised to see that Princess Leia is a child]
King Richard IV: Husband, meet your new wife.
Princess Leia of Hungary: [very pleased] Hello Edmund.
Prince Edmund: [looking displeased] Hello.
Princess Leia of Hungary: [suddenly looking displeased] Are we getting married now?
Prince Edmund: [slightly happier] Yes. Yes, I believe we are.
Princess Leia of Hungary: Come on then.
[Princess Leia takes Edmund's hand]
Prince Edmund: [reading to Princess Leia] "And so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his friends, and go to live in a land far away where the elves and faries would look after him until the day that he died."
[Edmund closes the book, Princess Leia yawns]
Princess Leia of Hungary: Oh that was lovely Edmund. What a happy story.
[Edmund looks unhappy]
Princess Leia of Hungary: Isn't it time to put the light out?
Prince Edmund: Yes my dear, I think it is. It must be at least... six o' clock.
[Edmund blows the candle out and the credits roll]
Princess Leia of Hungary: Can I have a drink of water please?
Prince Edmund: [almost whispering] Yes, yes, yes! All right!
Harry, Prince of Wales: I wanted to have a word with you about my speech at the wedding feast. I thought perhaps I'd go for a fruit motif.
Prince Edmund: Yes...?
Harry, Prince of Wales: Something like, er, "It is with extrawberry pleasure that we welcome you, er, may you be the apple of your husband's eye, and may he, in turn, cherries you..." - 'Cherish', you see - "... even though it's an oranged marriage." Good, eh?
Prince Edmund: Brilliant. Quite, quite brilliant.
Harry, Prince of Wales: Yes, I thought it was rather good. I'm hoping to squeeze in a 'banana' by the end of the day.