Baldrick: My Lord...
Prince Edmund: What?
Baldrick: I also have a plan.
Prince Edmund: Yes?
Baldrick: Why not make her think you prefer the company of men?
Prince Edmund: But I do, Baldrick, I do!
Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. I mean, erm, the, er, *intimate* company of men...?
Prince Edmund: You don't mean... like the Earle of Doncaster...?
Baldrick: I mean just like the Earle of Doncaster.
Prince Edmund: That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earle of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen.
Baldrick: Mm! And who would want to marry the Earle of Doncaster?
Prince Edmund: Well, no-one wou -
Prince Edmund: Brilliant! Of course! No-one would marry the Earle of Doncaster!... except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort.
King Richard IV: [laughs] Ah, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy! But you well know where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don't you, my boy...
Harry, Prince of Wales: Well, actually, I don't, Father, but I would like to know.
King Richard IV: [points to Harry's groin] There.
Harry, Prince of Wales: [lifts his robes] Are you sure? I can't imagine anything of any real interest down there.
King Richard IV: Let me explain. What's that for?
Harry, Prince of Wales: Well, a couple of things...
King Richard IV: Correct, and one of those things is...?
Harry, Prince of Wales: Best not mentioned, really.
King Richard IV: Right! And the other is fornication!
[Richard IV hands over an ornate container]
King Richard IV: Chiswick. Give this to the Queen of Naples.
Lord Chiswick: What is it my Lord?
King Richard IV: The King of Naples.
Prince Edmund: As my tutor, old bubble face, used to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."
Prince Edmund: My God! In twenty four hours I'll be married to a walrus!
King Richard IV: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the of his son.
Lord Chiswick: The one you had beheaded, my lord...
King Richard IV: Yes, that's the fellow.
3rd & 4th Messengers: My Lord, news: the Swiss have invaded France.
King Richard IV: Excellent!
[to one of his men who is standing in attendance]
King Richard IV: Wessex, while they're away, take ten thousand troops and pillage Geneva.
Lord Chiswick: But the Swiss are our allies, My Lord.
King Richard IV: Oh yes... Well, er, get them to dress up as Germans, will you?
Baldrick: [as Edmund and Percy are dressing him up to sneak into the Infanta's room] Please my lord, I beg you to reconsider...
Prince Edmund: Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it!
Baldrick: But I'll die in there!
[meaning the room that Infanta is in]
Prince Edmund: Don't worry. We'll give you a hero's funeral, bury you at sea, say you died in combat, with an enemy vessel.
Prince Edmund: [reading to Princess Leia] "And so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his friends, and go to live in a land far away where the elves and faries would look after him until the day that he died."
[Edmund closes the book, Princess Leia yawns]
Princess Leia of Hungary: Oh that was lovely Edmund. What a happy story.
[Edmund looks unhappy]
Princess Leia of Hungary: Isn't it time to put the light out?
Prince Edmund: Yes my dear, I think it is. It must be at least... six o' clock.
[Edmund blows the candle out and the credits roll]
Prince Edmund: So let me get this straight. You're saying that something which you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else which you have never seen?
Infanta Maria Escalosa of Spain: Mi Amor! Mi Amor!
[Starts kissing Blackadder]
The Queen: Look at the two love birds!
Prince Edmund: One love bird and one love elephant.
[while the Archbishop is speaking, Don Speekinglesh is interpreting what he says into Spanish]
Archbishop: Do you, Edmund Plantagenet, take Maria...
Don Speekingleesh, An Interpreter: [interrupting] Usted, Edmund...
Archbishop: [shouts at him] Oh, do shut up!
Don Speekingleesh, An Interpreter: [in Spanish, to the crowd watching the marriage] !Silencion!
King Richard IV: [clapping his hands] Where is she? Where is she? Where is Princess Leia?
[Edmund eyes the four beautiful ladies in the room and waits patiently. Princess Leia enters]
King Richard IV: Ah, good. Good!
[to Edmund, who is surprised to see that Princess Leia is a child]
King Richard IV: Husband, meet your new wife.
Princess Leia of Hungary: [very pleased] Hello Edmund.
Prince Edmund: [looking displeased] Hello.
Princess Leia of Hungary: [suddenly looking displeased] Are we getting married now?
Prince Edmund: [slightly happier] Yes. Yes, I believe we are.
Princess Leia of Hungary: Come on then.
[Princess Leia takes Edmund's hand]
Princess Leia of Hungary: Can I have a drink of water please?
Prince Edmund: [almost whispering] Yes, yes, yes! All right!
Harry, Prince of Wales: I wanted to have a word with you about my speech at the wedding feast. I thought perhaps I'd go for a fruit motif.
Prince Edmund: Yes...?
Harry, Prince of Wales: Something like, er, "It is with extrawberry pleasure that we welcome you, er, may you be the apple of your husband's eye, and may he, in turn, cherries you..." - 'Cherish', you see - "... even though it's an oranged marriage." Good, eh?
Prince Edmund: Brilliant. Quite, quite brilliant.
Harry, Prince of Wales: Yes, I thought it was rather good. I'm hoping to squeeze in a 'banana' by the end of the day.