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Jed Clampett: [remembering a time Granny broke her hip on the ice] The poor woman was limpin' fer two days.

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Jed Clampett: What do you think Pearl? You think I oughta move?

Cousin Pearl Bodine: Jed, how can you even ask? Look around you. You live eight miles from your nearest neighbor. You're overrun with skunks, possums, coyotes, and bobcats. You use kerosene lamps for light. You cook on a wood stove, summer and winter. You're drinkin' homemade moonshine, and washin' with homemade lye soap. And your bathroom is fifty feet from the house. And you ask should you move!?

Jed Clampett: [ponders all this] Yeah, I reckon you're right. Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.

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Cousin Pearl Bodine: Jethro, tell your Uncle Jed why there ain't no snow in California.

Jethro: Don't look at me, I didn't take it!

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Daisy Moses: Well, the first thing to do is get her into a dress. She's gettin' too old to be wearin' a man's duds. Lookee here - she done popped the buttons off her shirt again.

Jed Clampett: Well, Elly May carries herself proud... with her shoulders thrown back.

Daisy Moses: It ain't her shoulders that's poppin' these buttons.

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Daisy Moses: She oughta be doin' women's work - helpin' me with the still.

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Jed Clampett: I know it don't sound like much, but Mr. Brewster seemed to set great store by the fact he's going to pay me in some new kind of dollar.

Cousin Pearl Bodine: There ain't no new kind of dollar.

Jed Clampett: Well it was new to me. I've heard of gold dollars, silver dollars, paper dollars, but he said he's gonna pay me in a... what'd he call them, Granny?

Granny: Million dollars.

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Jed Clampett: [while asking about Beverly Hills] Is 'Tom Mix there?

John Brewster: No, I'm afraid Tom Mix is dead.

Jed Clampett: Oh yeah, what's the matter with me. Remember Pearl, he got shot at the end of that picture.

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Milburn Drysdale: We want you to know how happy we are to have you, your handsome nephew, your lovely daughter, and your beautiful money er mother.

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[first lines]

Jed Clampett: Well, come on. Let's find that house we bought.

Narrator: House they bought? In Beverly Hills? Whoa, hold on, wait a minute! How could a bunch of hillbillies possibly buy a mansion like this? Let's take them back to their home and see how the whole thing started.

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Geologist: Mr. Clampett, you're a very rich man!

Jed Clampett: How big a rock did you bean him with?

Elly May Clampett: No bigger than a hedge apple.

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Cousin Pearl Bodine: Jethro, I told you to get rid of them worn-out brakes.

Jethro: I did Ma. That's how come we ain't got none.

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Granny: That there fella's from the peetroleum company.

Jed Clampett: What's a peetroleum?

Granny: I dunno. He asked me if he could do some wildcattin' down by the slue. I said "Help yerself, we're glad to get rid of the critters"

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Jed Clampett: Whatta ya think Pearl, ya think we ought'a move?

Cousin Pearl Bodine: Jed, how can ya even ask? Look around ya... ya 8 miles from ya nearest neighbor! Ya overrun with skonks, possums, ki-yotes, bobcats... ya use kerosene lamps for lights, ya cook on a wood stove summer and winter! Ya drinkin' homemade moonshine... washin' with homemade lye soap! And ya bathroom is 50 feet from the house, and you ask if ya should move?

Jed Clampett: Yeah... reckon you're right. Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.

[Pearl reels and falls backwards]

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Cousin Pearl Bodine: Whatta ya think Pearl, ya think we ought'a move?

Cousin Pearl Bodine: Jed, how can ya even ask? Look around ya... ya 8 miles from ya nearest neighbor! Ya overrun with skonks, possums, ki-yotes, bobcats... ya use kerosene lamps for lights, ya cook on a wood stove summer and winter! Ya drinkin' homemade moonshine... washin' with homemade lye soap! And ya bathroom is 50 feet from the house, and you ask if ya should move?

Jed Clampett: Yeah... reckon you're right. Man'd be a dang fool to leave all this.

[Pearl reels and falls backwards]

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