- Dr. John Becker: [Talking on the phone] Oh C'mon! You owe me, if I hadn't met your wife, you'd still be married to her!
- Dr. John Becker: You know what's killing this country? Those idiotic TV talk shows. You know, I watched one last night. I should have just stuck a fork in my eye. You know, it's like America stepped in something and is scraping off its shoe directly over my TV set.
- Dr. John Becker: [to a clinic patient] Ah Geez! Mrs Zelmen put your clothes back on! You're here about an eye infection!
- Dr. John Becker: [Talking about television talk shows] I watched one the other day. I don't even know what the hell it was. Apparently some guy wanted to be a woman, so he chops it off. And he decides he likes chicks after all, so he becomes a lesbian. Tell me there's not a wasted step in there somewhere.