Batman: [Talking to Joker on a moving train] She almost had me, you know. Arms and legs chained, dizzy from the blood rushing to my head. I had no way out other than convincing her to call you. I knew your massive ego wouldn't let anyone else take the honor of killing me. Although you have to admit she came a lot closer than you ever did... Puddin'.
[Joker stares for a second, then goes absolutely berserk and attacks]
[Joker bursts from the door, to see Batman hanging above a tank filled with piranas]
The Joker: HARLEY!
Harley Quinn: Hi, Puddin'! You're just in time to see the...
[Joker slaps Harley across the room, then turns to Batman]
The Joker: Excuse me just a minute.
Harley Quinn: But Puddin', I-I don't understand! Didn't you want to finally get rid of Batman?
The Joker: Only if I do it, idiot!
Harley Quinn: But it's still your plan, see?
[shows him his blueprints]
Harley Quinn: Everything just like you said, except I hung the guy upside down so he sees the little frowns as little smiles. Now it all works!
[Joker grabs the blueprints and tears them up]
The Joker: Except you had to *explain* it to me! If you have to explain a joke, THERE IS NO JOKE!
[He advances on Harley, growling. Nervously, she grabs hold of a swordfish]
Harley Quinn: Now calm down, Puddin'...
The Joker: You've forgotten what I told you a long time ago. One of the painful truths of comedy...
[grabs the swordfish out of her hands]
The Joker: YOU ALWAYS TAKE SHOTS FROM FOLKS WHO JUST DON'T GET THE JOKE!
[Joker whacks Harley with the swordfish, sending her crashing out the window and plunging down several stories to land in a pile of garbage, apparently dead]
The Joker: And don't call me Puddin'.
Harley Quinn: You know, for what it's worth, I actually enjoyed some of our romps, but there comes a time when a gal wants more. And now, all this gal wants is to settle down with her lovin' sweetheart.
Batman: You, and the Joker?
Harley Quinn: Right-a-rooney.
Harley Quinn: I've never seen you laugh before! I don't think I like it!
[Batman laughs even harder]
Harley Quinn: Cut it out! You're giving me the creeps!
Batman: You little fool. The Joker doesn't love anything except himself. Wake up, Harleen. He had you pegged for hired help the minute you walked into Arkham.
Harley Quinn: That's not - no. NO! He told me things, secret things that he never told anyone!
Batman: Was it his line about the abusive father? Or the one about the runaway mom. He's gained a lot of sympathy with that one.
Harley Quinn: Stop it! You're making me confused!
Batman: What was it he told that one parole officer... Oh yeah, "There was only one time I ever saw Dad really happy. He took me to the Ice Show when I was seven."
Harley Quinn: [softly] Circus... He said it was the Circus.
Batman: He's got a million of them, Harley.
Harley Quinn: [wiping away her tears] YOU'RE WRONG! MY PUDDIN' DOES LOVE ME! HE DOES! You're the problem! And now you're gonna die and make everything right!
Harley Quinn: Oh, come on, Puddin'! Don't you wanna rev up your "Harley"? Vroom vroom!
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: [narrating] It soon became clear to me the Joker, so often described as a raving, homicidal madman... was actually a tortured soul crying out for love and acceptance. A lost, injured child trying to make the world laugh at his antics. And there, as always, was the self-righteous Batman. Determined to make life miserable for my angel. Yes, I admit it. As unprofessional as it sounds, I had fallen in love with my patient. Pretty crazy, huh?
The Joker: Not at all. As a dedicated career-oriented you woman, you felt the need to abstain from all amusement and fun. It's only natural you'd be attracted to a man who could make you laugh again.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: I knew you'd understand.
The Joker: Anytime.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: [last lines, as a heavily bandaged Harleen is taken into Arkham Assylum] Never again. No more obsession, no more craziness, no more Joker. I finally see that slime for what he is: a murderous, manipulative, irredeemable...
[she turns her head to see a rose on her bedside table with a note attatched saying "Feel better soon. - J."]
Harley Quinn: ...angel!
The Joker: Well, Batsy, it's been a hoot, as always. May the floss be with you!
Harley Quinn: Face it, Harl, this stinks! You're a certified nutso wanted in twelve states and hopelessly in love with a psychopathic clown. At wait point did my life go Looney Tunes? How did it happen? Who's to blame?... Batman, that's who. Batman! It's always been Batman! Ruining my life, spoiling my fun! Coming between me and my Puddin' from the very beginning...
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: [Holding a note] Care to tell me how this got in my office?
The Joker: I put it there.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: I think the guards would be interested to know you've been out of your cell.
The Joker: If you really were going to tell, you already would have. You know, sweets, I like what I've heard about you, especially the name. Harley Quinzel. Rework it a bit, and you get Harley Quinn.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: Like the clown character, Harlequin. I know. I've heard it before.
The Joker: It's a name that puts a smile on my face. It makes me feel there's someone here I can relate to. Someone who might like to hear my secrets.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: [narrating] It took me nearly three months to set up a session. I studied all his tricks and gimmicks, and felt I was ready for anything.
The Joker: You know... my father used to beat me up pretty badly.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: [narrating] Anything except that.
The Joker: Every time I got out of line, BAM! Or sometimes I'd just be just sitting there, doing nothing. POW! Pops tended to favor the grape, you see.
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: Uh-huh.
The Joker: There was only one time I ever saw Dad really happy. He took me to the circus when I was seven. Oh, I still remember the clowns running around, dropping their pants.
The Joker: My old man laughed so hard, I thought he'd bust a gut! So the very next night, I ran up to meet him with his best Sunday pants around my ankles. "Hi, Dad! Look at me!"
The Joker: ZOOP! I took a big pratfall, and tore the crotch clean out of his pants!
[Both start laughing hysterically]
The Joker: ...And then he broke my nose. But hey, that's the downside of comedy. You're always taking shots from folks who just don't get the joke. Like my dad... Or Batman.
The Joker: [examining his plans] Boring... lame... not funny... been done... too Riddler...
Harley Quinn: That's a real gasser, right Mr. J?
The Joker: [grabbing Harley by the hat] I make the punchlines here! Got it?
Harley Quinn: Yes sir.