The Joker: [singing] Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg, the Batmobile lost a wheel, and the Joker got away!
[he puts a star on the Christmas tree; then it takes off through the roof with a concealed rocket engine, Joker riding it]
The Joker: [singing] Crashing through the roof, in a one-horse open tree, busting out I go, laughing all the way!
Dick Grayson: [Robin and Batman are about to watch some TV] Come on, Bruce. You're gonna love "It's a Wonderful Life".
Bruce Wayne: It's not relentlessly cheerful, is it?
Dick Grayson: No, it's about the difference one man can make to an entire city. Sound familiar?
Robin: Come on, Batman, it's Christmas Eve. Let's kick back and get into the spirit.
Batman: The Joker's escaped from Arkham Asylum, Robin.
Robin: And you really think he's gonna make his move on Christmas Eve? Even scums spend the holidays with their families.
Batman: He has no family.
Robin: Okay, I'll make a deal with you. If we go out on patrol and Gotham is quiet, with no sign of the Joker, we come back here, have Christmas dinner and watch "It's A Wonderful Life".
Batman: You know, I've never seen that. I could never get past the title.
Robin: It's a deal, then?
[in a toy factory, Batman and Robin are attacked by small flying planes; Batman swats them away with a baseball bat]
Robin: They don't call you "Bat-man" for nothing!
The Joker: "It's A Wonderful Life" will not be seen this year. In its place is the following: Joker here. Greetings, Gotham, and merry Christmas. I hope you're watching, Batman. This one's for you.
The Joker: [the Joker gives Batman a Christmas present] Well, go on, open it!
[Batman opens the gift, a custard pie splatters in his face]
The Joker: [laughs hysterically] Oh, I can't stand it!
Bruce Wayne: [to Robin] We have to find Joker.
The Joker: [popping out from behind a curtain] I'll save you the trouble.
Robin: Well, Batman, you were sure right about the Joker. Any leads?
Batman: I've accessed Gotham's electrical mainframe. And I am zeroing in on the power surges to pinpoint the location of Joker's broadcast signal. That's it!
Robin: I don't know, Batman. It seems too easy.
Batman: It's never easy with the Joker.
Batman: Keep your eyes open for the Joker.
The Joker: I'll save you the trouble, Batman! Come and get your Christmas present, or the kiddies get it!
Batman: Let them go, Joker. It's me you want.
The Joker: Merry Christmas, Batman!
[Joker has three hostages tied up, and introduces them on his special as "The Awful Lawful Family."]
The Joker: Meet... Daddy Lawful!
[He takes out the candy cane gagging Gordon]
Commissioner James Gordon: YOU DISEASED MANIAC! I'LL...!
The Joker: [sticks the cane back in] Looks like someone needs to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful!
[takes out the cane gagging Summer]
Summer Gleeson: HELP! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP US...!
The Joker: [sticks it back in] Ho, ho, ho, isn't she jolly.
[He comes to Bullock, dressed in an oversized baby outfit]
The Joker: And here we have little Baby Lawful!
[tickles his chin]
The Joker: Coochie-coochie coo!
[takes out the cane]
Det. Harvey Bullock: WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU I'LL RIP YOUR...!
[Joker puts the cane back in]